manifest..

i've heard a lot of people say or write it in a bunch of different ways and i've always mostly believed it.. what you think is what you get. the power of intention, thoughts manifest reality, however you want to put it. attitude in general tends to shape our experience.

every time i change my mind, so changes my situation. perhaps i'm more in control than i allow myself to believe. i have a hard time with decisions most of the time, and i tend to wait for some sort of a sign before making a choice. but i can't help but wonder if those signs were mine to begin with. the signs are perhaps from my subconscious finally deciding, and showing me what i want to see. follow the yellow brick road..

what seemed like the toughest decision at first has become clear to me, no matter what way i cut it, i'm dead set on giving up my Ontario residency. but i have to pick a province.. my driver's permit is only good for so long, and i'll have to choose a place to be to upgrade. for years i didn't ever want to drive, but there are so many opportunities i have allowed to pass by because of saying no to the ultimate mode of mobility. if i stay in BC it'll take two years before i can take a test for a full license that will be transferable to other provinces. in order to stay here though i need to make a lot more money, and in order to afford to drive, i need a better job that requires me having a license. so..

at the moment i'm living on a prayer, and gently leaning on a line of credit. it's a little unnerving not knowing if and when i'll be able to pay it back, but fuck that shit anyways it's numbers on a screen. i can't help but worry about it much like 99% of the population, but at the same time.. it's hard to give a shit about money at times. maybe that's why i never have any.. but i'm working on that.

anyways.. as soon as i made the decision to finish getting my drivers permit, more opportunities immediately began to present themselves, and even line up for the time i'll be able to drive. i'd been batting around the idea of going to Alberta for the past couple weeks, and during that time dozens of job opportunities have been screaming my name there for double the pay.. but that winter tho! seriously.. seven months of bullshit cold, shortest growing season, and crazy far from the sea. all things i'm not really down with, especially considering my excitement regarding finally existing in a place where the ground doesn't freeze solid and get a ton of snow.

other things too. like when i decided that having a social/party life was of ultimate importance my schedule reflected that. i only worked one shift on the weekends for a month straight. as soon as i had the thought 'if i keep going like this i'm going to destroy myself'' everything changed. my days off coming are Wednesday and Sunday. that seems a little safer. thanks, i think?  yeah. right down to the people in my life.. near and far. sometimes it's hard to remember at the end of the day it's your choice who you allow to be a part of your life. for a while i was overcomplicating my process of decision making by allowing far too much input from outside sources. lately i've been far more 'selfish' than usual, having more concern for my own needs before considering what others want from me. it's... liberating.

work tonight, off at 4 in the morning. which reminds me, i have something to say about that... later.