Saturday, January 31, 2015

it's all so... 2015

phh blog fail. it's been over a month since i last hit this thing, but hey what can i say.. shit's been crazy. i'm still having a hard time making words for how i feel about it all, there really aren't any that fit the picture. but i'll giver a shot. where do i start...? let's try where i left off..

first of all, i'm glad i've managed to keep this thing going. a good friend reminded me the other day that it's nice to have something to look back at to 'remind myself how strong i can be when shit gets too real', and i think i can't handle it. i'm certainly blessed to have the friends that i do, you're likely reading this, so thank you. i promise to remember not to forget. ha. i still think blogging is really fuckin weird, but for some reason you freaks wanna read what i have to say, and it's kinda neat to write it so..

alright then. december.. this was my first 'holiday season' away from the home base. no matter what or where i was, i always made it back in time for mom's birthday, seven days before the solstice. this time i decided to stay away. an interesting perspective gained on the whole 'christmas' thing. though i always kinda had a hate on for it for a bunch of different reasons, being so far removed from it all allowed me to really feel out the parts that bother me. and appreciate the parts that i missed.. or should i say miss the parts that i appreciate.

holidays were always a clusterfuck of obligations and emotions that seem almost pointless given it's a season meant to be reserved for joy and sharing and family celebrations. and of course my mother couldn't handle it, both the loneliness and the not-so-joyous memories from every christmas before.. i couldn't blame her. this year none of that applied to me. i'm too far away to get caught up in the circus, too broke to send any gifts, and my mother is finally at peace. the parts i miss are having conversations and laughs with my folks by the fireplace with some baileys, chillin with my awesome baby bro, the sudden influx of random home baked goods, and seeing everyone i hadn't for a year.. watching children grow like weeds. these moments will only happen when i can make them, when i have a minute to run away home.

this year i was on my own. no plans, no obligations, just go with the flow. which led to spending christmas eve with a good friend trippin around the city, visiting the other misfits, and later stumbling home in deep appreciation of the lack of blustering winds and zero feet of snow. i really, really love the 'winter' here. i had already accepted the fact that christmas day would be all mine to do with what i please, i and i alone. and of course, in the least likely of places and with very unexpected timing i managed to make a friend. how fitting. presence is a gift..

then 2015 hit. BEEP BOOP!! a sudden awakening reminder that life rarely goes according to plan, everything can change in an instant, and things always happen in their time. i knew when i settled in to this little groove of having a job and living under a roof that there was a very good chance it was all temporary, and here i am. i handed in my keys today, finished stashing all my shit this past week, ditched out on the job that was wearing me down and picked up my ticket for the next whirlwind of craziness. i'm about to end up right back where i started only this time much lighter in more ways than one.

no regrets. i needed a minute. sometimes you just fuckin need a minute. i didn't come here to slave my ass off for a minimum wage, spend all my weekends holed up in a cave, and end up in a miserable rut like the old one in a new place. hell no. i came here to simply uproot. to unplug. reset. just another one of those kids who went west for vacation and forgot to go home. home is here now where i'm at. somewhere and nowhere in particular. enjoying a little random adventure, good company and a healthy dose of recklessness before deciding what it is i'm going to do with myself.

the best and maybe scariest part is, i have no fucking clue what's going to happen. in just about every aspect of my life. i put off buying my bus ticket for as long as i could to postpone feeling obligated to leave at a specific time. there's only so much i can do to set myself up here before i leave, so my hands are tied. i miss the shit outta my family and friends but the idea of going back there right now is making me anxious. it's like the last goodbye for some truly unknown amount of time, plus closing up shop, and liberating pieces of my past both physical and not.. basically a three week long get'r done style 'welcome back, see ya later' party. it's gonna be one hell of a journey.

and then coming back west.. my original plan had me simply on leave from that job, but it was really affecting me, i'm too damn old for the night shift. i had to give it up. missing out on a social life was starting to get at me too. ditching the job meant ditching the room i was renting, which at first was nerve racking. full blown panic mode for a minute there.. i'm over it. as much as i'd love a little stability, right now might not be the moment. i'll accept that. for now. i kinda feel like i'm ten years old again, shit just got real, and i have no idea what i'm doing. moments are more vivid, time lost it's relevance, and i can't for the life of me remember what day it is.

what is this kitchen? cheque please..