one day at a time.

it's easy to get overwhelmed when you leave a life you've grown accustomed to and rejoin the chaos that is the rest of the world.. especially when you get more than you bargained for, most of your plans fall through, and people happen into your life that tend to change the course of things. i'm caught up in that frantic mode of 'hurry up and wait'.

i wanna get stuff done, and i'm still waiting on paper mail from my previous job and an account that i opened so i can get all my legal junk out of the way. i was sort of in a rush to get here and get myself situated before the winter set in. and i was hoping to enjoy some summer sun while it lasts. for leaving as soon as i can, i had left some other things undone. things that i'll have to return and take care of before the spring comes.

almost six weeks i think it's been already since i've worked for money.. i've kept busy with gardening and getting myself ready to be on the move, then being on the move, and the past couple days i've just kind of done... not a hell of a lot. if i sit too long i start to feel useless, and that's a terrible feeling. doing my best to make other plans to fill the time where others fell through and in the meantime living in the moment. just have to relax a minute and let life be.

i've let a few things slide since i've been out, my workout regime went right out the window but i'm slowly attempting to get back on top of it. it's different now though, walking around this city is like climbing a small mountain every day so the muscles i need to work on my own time are changing. i've even lost a pound since my arrival without even trying! ha, slick..

well anyhoo, though my plans all fell through i'm starting to collect new ones. there's a few bands i wanna see while i'm here [there's live shows everywhere, all the time] and even a birthday party i wanna hit up before heading to the island. a friend of mine from back home is coming this way for a couple weeks to puppysit a couple dogs so imma get in on that action! i love hanging with homies from back home in other places, always makes for a unique adventure. from there i'll head back to Vancity for thanksgiver and halloween, and then perhaps pick up some work for the start of the winter.

i didn't come out here with much in the way of apparel, my rucksack was packed with camera gear and a crank juicer. thankfully Vancouver appears to be the king of second-hand stores, which i love. the seasons are starting to change [not summer snowfalls like Calgary], and it's getting cooler. the rains will come in the next few weeks as well. my first excursion to a Salvation Army proved very successful. i found four teeshirts, two pairs or pants, one being a really kickass pair of sturdy lightweight snowboarding pants, and the most comfy green hoodie in the world, all for under forty bucks. all i need now is a rain coat, a couple long sleeves and maybe a pair of long underwear for the chill.

speaking of chill i think i've done enough of that for a couple days, today i'll venture early and find something to get into. it's only seven in the morning here but i'm still a few timezones ahead. onward..

Selfish.

i suppose it's about time. it took me a really long time to realize [and a bunch of people telling me] that a lot of what i do with myself is to the benefit of others before [or at least as well as] myself. but i rarely just do something for me. examples? well...

just about everything... i travelled for myself, but i came back out of guilt. i share living accommodations, and when i do, most usually i consider everyone in the house's comfort and convenience before my own. i take the smaller [or crappier] room, i most usually end up cleaning up after more than just myself, and somehow assume responsibility eventually. maintaining rooming houses for my homies to have homes... even at work when i delegate tasks i give them to the people that i think would like them most and do the crappy jobs myself. when sharing meals i [used to, not so much anymore] accommodate to the others' taste regardless if the food would make me feel like crap. all that said, of course there's no regrets, some incredible lessons and experiences for sure. point is, i never woke up to all this until recently.

today a conversation with a friend really hit it home. "will you come back for Matt?" she asked about my leaving the province. my answer, no. no i'm not going to come back for anyone but myself. i'll be back when i'm done with that part of my journey. i've been doing so many things with other people in mind, i rarely think of myself. i've been so bogged down by guilt to even realize i have nothing to feel guilty about, and it's okay to do things for me sometimes. i am learning to love myself enough to take better interest in my personal well-being. what do i want with my heart? i'll do that. life is too short to daydream about the things i wish i was doing. i'm almost thirty now, and i'm glad it didn't take me any longer to figure it out.

the greatest part is, eventually, once i get myself figured out, i'll be in a way better position to help others. when i find my health, when i get into the field of work that has fully consumed my interests and dreams.. it will actually benefit those that i care about. and i'm on my way.

i'm glad i finally let go of the lifestyle that i have outgrown. it's not easy once you become comfortable. i used to hate the idea of working full-time 'for the man', and now departing from this way of life [though i'm excited] feels strange. i have no definite plans right now, and for right now that's what i need. lately opportunities and connections that i fancy have been coming to me, which tends to happen when i learn to let go. i always forget this until the next time. maybe now that i've written it down i'll learn faster.

so, that's it. this is me, doing stuff for myself. i will get healthy. i will get fit. i will learn to live and grow more things sustainably. then pass it on. each one teach one.

mid-july

it's been a strange summer. when the sun is out, the heat is intense. but otherwise, cool.
the sun hasn't been out as much as most summers. lots of overcast and rain. almost coastal weather..
not complaining, but it's strange no less.

i woke up this morning with a headache. not unusual i suppose, i've been getting them the past couple weeks. but today it was too much. i think the couple days of sun and humidity there got to me. i realized that i've been pushing myself pretty hard the past few weeks, and not sleeping. trying to get as much done as i can, and forgetting to rest. all of everything caught up to me, and i spent most of today in the garden or on the bed.

i'm glad that i got to see the first sunflower open. i was worried that i'd be gone already, as last year they didn't open til september when i was just leaving for Nova Scotia. they're huge this year, almost eight feet tall. i love them. i can't help but smile when i see sunflowers. some of the mammoth seeds were pushed into the ground the morning my mother passed, before i even knew that she was gone. only she was there with me..

i miss her. it's getting easier in the day-by-day, but those times that waves of emotions surface from the ocean within, there is no stopping their tidal force. some days i wish so much that she could see me now, that she could see me driving or taking off for the coast. sometimes i don't need to wish so much. sometimes i can feel her smile in the sun, her laughter in the wind.

one week left until retirement.