Sunday, October 13, 2013

ThanksGiver SunDay

i am thankful for many things.. my family, my friends, my hunny whose birthday it is today.. our home, our garden, our love. i'm grateful that we had this opportunity [as random as it came] to become a part of each other's lives. to grow together, and reap the bounty of a garden built on love.

i am thankful for a new perspective, and all the lessons this past year has taught. i think our greatest lesson came from the sunflowers. we started them from seed a little late in the season, but we learned it's better late than never. they sprang forth from tiny little seeds, and given the necessary time, care, and the right amount of sunlight, they grew to be tall and strong. and eventually with the right amount of patience, they gave us seed to sow and share and eat.


Friday, October 11, 2013

a new appreciation..

well maybe not so new, i've always appreciated having a reliable job and everything.. but i finally have a steady shift, something i can make a routine around. a routine is something i need to succeed in a domesticated lifestyle. even when i'm on the road i have rituals that i follow to keep me safe and sane.. i guess it's just how i deal with things.

being on the night shift for so long reminded me why i got off the shift in the first place.. it kills me in so many ways it shouldn't be legal. but i know there are people cut out for it, i used to think i was one of them. as it turns out, it's not where i wanna be. i had my first day shift yesterday in almost a month, and i was so happy that i was walking to work in the morning time i could barely contain the smile. i left extra early to enjoy the morning mist, and decided that no matter what happens nothing can phase me, i'm so happy to be back to what i've been missing. even if everything went wrong at work i would accept it with a smile on my face. at least i'm here..

i suppose you could say, it's a good thing i feel that way. it's not that everything went wrong...

and i'm okay! no panic.. the fact that i know i'm only back for a week before i fly out to a tropical island might have a little bit to do with it, but in all seriousness.. i really do have a new appreciation for my 'regular life'. it's what i want for now, so i can focus on other things. it might be crazy while i'm there but worth having some stability in my schedule.. and a healthy challenge. it's a good thing.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

just today..

a strange sense of panic washed over me
when i realized,
the closest place to find firewood
is at the store.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

i sea and so

i am..
finally free to drop everything.. my camera, my sweater, my shoes, my ego..
and sit seaside with the sun on my face
breathe in..
the fresh ocean air fills me up
and surrounds me
as i exhale i feel myself expand into the space around me
and up over rocks and down the cliff to the water
i am no longer separated from the sea, the sky, the ground beneath me..
from you.

i am finally free of all the worries of the city life,
rushing to get to work on time, come home and pay the rent
the lord of this land wants no money
only presence.
my eyes open when a sudden wave crashes a little closer than expected
baptized by the sea
and i do feel cleansed..
it's all too beautiful to describe with words or capture in photographs
but still i try.

love to the Maritimes..

Friday, October 4, 2013

midnight train..

i seemed to have hopped on again for the long haul. one week quickly turned into four, and i have no idea where the time has gone. or where it is in general.. i tried to take a nap this afternoon and while i was sitting there i had a random thought 'i wonder what time it is' feeling as though it's about 3am. but no, of course it can't be, it's 2pm and i've lost all sense of the time and day.

the scary thing is, it's my last week i'm going into tomorrow, and i'm starting to get 'used to it' again aka my body is starting to adjust to this backwards eating pattern expecting lunch at 3 in the morning, and i've just accepted that i feel like a piece of crap every day because my circadian rhythm has been all but blown to bits. i'll just have to take it as a learning experience so i don't feel so much like it was a horrible mistake.

and what did i learn? well, i suppose a better appreciation for my regular job, which i used to think was tedious.. well what i'm doing overnights is ten times the tedium on less than half the sleep. when i go back to my regularly scheduled program i'll be much happier knowing it's not so bad as i thought, and even though it seems 'boring' there's lots of room to learn and expand.

another thing i learned is that i do have limits and that i have pushed them. this was okay for me a few years ago as a temporary solution in my work situation, but i just can't handle it anymore. that's why i begged to get off nights, even transferred to get out of the shift.. it started to affect my health and my life in ways i'm not willing to just accept. my house, my garden and my social life are all suffering from neglect.. same with my creativity, my diet..

i was heartbroken a couple mornings ago when i realized that half of my garden had died already. was there a frost? it's been warm for a while it would have had to been nearly a week ago. did i miss it? how did i not notice since? and the sink and counter was overflowing with dishes. 90% tupperware from us bringing lunches to work, i barely eat besides once a day on this shift because i'm too exhausted to cook or prepare a meal during the day. anyhoo back to the garden, when i took it down today and saw how much had been wasted, i was heartbroken. how could i let this happen?

i'm not trying to get down on myself or anything, i just want to remember this feeling.. which is why i started blogging in the first place. i can't remember anything. how can i appreciate life's lessons if i can't remember them? biggest lesson yet; time management. i can't believe i thought i had so little time before, i have so much less now.. and with that realization comes the motivation to make better use of the time i now know i have.

that being said, autumn is upon us, garden season is coming to a close, and it's time to move on to other projects. many of them indoor ones.. something to keep the mind occupied and growing during cabin fever months. i have already got a jump start on a couple of courses i'm interested in, and a decorating project in our kitchen. we have also been dreaming up ideas for next year's garden design, which will be much better next year based on what we learned this time around.

for now i'm going to enjoy the one night i have off and be satisfied that i finally got around to taking care of much needed gardening, got the house in a much cleaner state than it's been in all week, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's only three nights away.