Sick and Tired.

I can't believe we're already getting into March. I guess what they say about getting older is true, every year that passes seems to go faster than the one before. In just over a month, I'll be turning 34 years... That in itself is hard to believe.

I don't know if I'm ready to blame it on the Mercury retrograde, but I've been feeling a little strange this week. I'm not usually an incredibly emotional person, but everything seems to be getting to me.

I could chalk it up to a midlife crisis type thing, or maybe the fact that the 5 year anniversary of my mother's passing it's coming up soon... or that it's also been five years since my cousin died from cancer. It could be a combination of all the things. Whatever it is, so many feels.

On one hand I just want spring to hurry up already, but on the other hand I wish I could just hibernate. Part of me can't wait to get out there in the garden, while the rest of me is so bloody tired. I just want to take a big long nap- and still be able to function as required in society.

Actually, if I could do without the society part, I'd probably be fine. Maybe if I didn't hate money so much I wouldn't have such a hard time acquiring it. And stressing about it. And letting the lack thereof be the biggest factor in a lot of my life decisions.

I feel like lack of time and money are my two biggest hurdles- or should I say excuses as to why I've been neglecting my health. I don't know what my problem is. I found the strength and energy and time to somehow pull it off back home, and I was making less money back then.

Perhaps it's true that I had nothing else pressing besides my job at that point in my life, and finding my health became my obsession and my pastime. I need that again. I need to feel better to truly enjoy this life. But i'm struggling at finding the strength, willpower and motivation.

I'm sick and tired of carrying all this extra weight around. I don't want to wake up feeling like shit every day anymore. I'm sick of my guts hurting every time I eat. I'm sick of the intense pain I suffer for several days every 4 weeks. I'm tired of waking up tired all the time. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and even more sick and tired of complaining about it.

I need to find the energy to take care of myself so that I can continue to take care of all the beautiful animal friends I've made. I need to find my strength so that i'm still strong enough to handle them when they need to be. I need to find my will to make it up those beautiful mountains and wade the streams to hunt and fish and enjoy all the beauty I'm surrounded in.

 So, where to begin..