Tuesday, June 14, 2016
i love Wednesdays. it's hard work. playing in the dirt. the sun. planting, pruning, snacking, laughing.. making some decent loot. it's using every muscle in my body. lift, bend, dig, climb, haul. it's epic views. the smell of the ocean twenty feet from the shore. the rain up on the side of the mountain. since i moved to BC, it's been my favourite day of the week.
it's been my only constant. everything else has changed several times over. i've had four other jobs, lived in several places [or no place at all], had many friends come [close] and go [far, far away], experienced varying levels of health and sickness, love and loss, been ballin' and broke [especially the latter].. Wednesday was the one thing i could count on no matter the circumstance.
i want more. more garden time. more working for someone local and independent who actually gives a shit, rather than being a number in a box. something more fulfilling. something i can be proud of when i leave for the day. more hard work that feels like play. more outside with better pay.
i'm on the hunt.
the grass doesn't care what you dress like. the weeds give zero shits if you're having a bad day. head down, music on, and work the hours away. the arborscapes absorb my anger. the sweat always hides my tears. and when i have something to smile about, the flowers melt away my fears.
i need this for my sanity.
that and.. if i don't make something happen real soon, me arse be back out on the street. i have some leads. just gotta keep my shit together to make it happen. it's hard to get out of bed sometimes. to leave the house.. now that i'm in one. it's hard to maintain a balance. to not become anxious when it's time to walk out the door. to be confident the world won't crush me. or my mind or my heart..
but it's Wednesday tomorrow. my favourite day of the week. rain or shine. the soil calls me.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
pshh yeah right. i'm trying. realllly really trying not to stress. it's literally what's eating me. i've been on my own more or less since high school and i've always been really conscious of my financial situation and staying employed, even when i travel. i'm now in the worst financial state i've ever been in, and i can't really work full-time right now.
i broke the bank, and i broke meself. i can stretch the rest of my income from the spring to get me through til the end of this month, which works perfectly as i need the time to heal. but i pretty much need to find work immediately in July to keep a roof over my head, my shit in storage, and my credit in good standing. oh yeah, and like.. eat and stuff. and i'm having a hard time getting it out of my head so i can just relax and do what i gotta do.
i'm not typically one to worry too hard about a place to live, don't usually have one for long when i get one, evade leases like the plague. for right now though, in order to ensure i have a proper chance at getting my health back in order, i need this. i know it isn't going to last forever and i have no idea how long til it ends but i have to stop over thinking. it is what it is right now. i have a kitchen and running water and electricity that i can make use of in all the ways i need to to getr done.
spent the morning spending what little i have left right now collecting some the tools. i busted out the hand crank juice press and made a delicious mix of veg and fruit juice. probably the most satisfying thing i've sipped in a couple years. i forgot how much i loved this shit. healthy and delicious is a thing! went and grabbed a cheap immersion blender for all the soups, a big ass bucket to grow some sunflowers in, and some mason jars to seal in the freshness. i'm just about set for a relaxing, cleansing month of gardening, patio farming, juicing and healing my wholeness.
yeah i said that.
ultimately i'd like to continue this trend moving forward. i'm kinda done busting ass long hours just to get by. i'd rather just work enough to keep my shit in order, for someone who actually cares, and then spend a lot more time working for myself, and taking care of myself so i can take care of my loved ones and get shit done.
i'd like to make more headway into the lifestyle i've been dancing around all my life. i'm transient, i don't need much, and i love to grow things. next mission: tiny home [on wheels], space to grow, and time to live it. it's really all i need, and all i've ever wanted. oh and someone rad to live it with. that's a thing.
just live. stress free.
i can do this. i gotta write it out to psych myself up, and share it to commit. thanks everyone who reads this shit and kicks my arse into gear. if it wasn't for you cheering me on and checking in i wouldn't be here. literally. imma sit here with my green medicine, and worry about nothing else but the veggie soup stock i got rockin on the stove. work can wait. money can wait. the world can wait. me first. sorry not sorry.
Friday, June 3, 2016
ahhh that was a depressing visit to the doc. i'm in a little worse shape than i thought, but overall i'm confident i can fix this. to summarize, i need to give my system a boost and a really good cleaning before my innards decide to stop working completely. gotta cut out all the bullshit for at least a month to let myself recover. stress included.
lucky for me i kinda dropped out on that garden center job. i still have the gardening and hopefully enough incoming from the last couple weeks to float me until July. six days a week burnt me out in 3 months after being laid off [and stressing hard about it] for almost two months prior. i think the experience as a whole since last december threw me into survival mode for so long it wore me out completely. there's no way, right at this moment, i could go back to living out of a pickup truck and working labour jobs every day of the week, and busting ass in the woods that one day i have off. it'd kill me for sure. i need a minute.
sleep is key. i need to do more of it. the sketchy scheduling at the garden center threw me off. some days i'd start at 6am, others i wouldn't get off till ten at night. followed by a long hard day in the sun/rain/whatever landscaping. i need this time of working part time to recover my health so that i can ready myself to make some loot and enjoy what i've got. i'm no good to nobody if i'm dyin' or losing my mind. my full time job for the next 30 days is to get better. or get a damn good start on it at least. i know it's gonna take time, and a full out permanent change to keep me good for a while. i kinda want to stick around n see what happens so.. i'll do my best.
i have to stop worrying. anxiety is my enemy. i have to not worry for a minute that i won't find enough work to cover my ass when i'm ready. i have to not worry about the impermanence of my living situation and embrace the fact that i have what i have right now, and do what i can. i have stop worrying about things i can't change. i have a lot to be thankful for. and look forward to. and enjoy right now. there's no sense in this wrinkle in my forehead.
i dug out the old health n fitness blog. it needed to see the light of day again. i had to call myself out.... again. i did so back in december '14 when i realized i was slipping. and i did nothing to fix it. in fact i made it worse. go me. i rock at life. well i did once and i want to again so this be the mission.
got the hand crank juice press ready for the morning. can't locate the extra bits for my blender, and imma have to grab a few things hopefully cheap to get the ball rolling. i'll need a thermal lunch container of sorts to keep ma shiz cold and fresh, a case of mason jars, and a few jugs and bowls for prep. good thing i've done this a few times. sigh.
i choose to live.