14 months. I stopped writing when I got stuck. Maybe I got stuck when I stopped writing.. it was only ever meant for me. Putting the words into the universe was my biggest form of therapy, and I stopped doing it. So here's my attempt. A look back at how the past year has affected me.
...
Nothing went according to plan. I think I knew it wasn't going to. I never made it back out west to deal with my belongings- after the fires, and amidst the ongoing pandemic came the floods and landslides. Chaos had yet to subside before winter rolled in. Some time in between, travel restrictions were tightened down again. There was no good time to go before it ran out. I lost track of what I had left. But it's just stuff, right?
I didn't know when I came here what my situation would be. I didn't think I would be able to stomach living in the city, and I honestly didn't think I would stay. But I got lucky. With a place to be, and a somewhat 'light duty' and familiar job that would take me. I had just returned to work from medical leave a few months before I decided to come home, and I wasn't ready.
I convinced myself that I was okay. That I didn't hate the fact of leaving the 'dream' life behind. With not being able to go back for my belongings like I had planned to. With walking away from a career that was ultimately suffering due to the suddenly turbulent economy. With breaking off a long term relationship that I had built my life around- but was toxic and unhealthy. With missing out on the medical care I had waited so long for. With the fact that my mental health had diminished dramatically and I needed this change to begin to recover. But maybe I wasn't okay with it all. I didn't give myself a chance to be- to process everything.
My first few months in the province were softened by a series of distractions and adventures. I filled the void by attempting to reconnect with as many people as I could, and fill every conscious moment of every day with some sort of interaction. So I didn't have to be alone with my thoughts. So I didn't feel useless suddenly not having all of these living things to care for. The idea of attempting to work through my feelings was unbearable- so I did my best not to.
That burned me out too. I cut everyone off but a select few. I had to.
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A few weeks ago it hit me. A quiet Sunday with nothing to do but sip coffee, watch a show and enjoy a peaceful moment with a friend. They couldn't help but notice the obvious anxiety that was creeping over me. I couldn't just sit in the moment. I explained the nagging feeling like I was missing something, or there was a deadline that needed to be met, a task that needed to be done, an obligation that required my attention. But I couldn't place it..
"So then relax and maybe allow yourself to enjoy the fact that there's literally nothing else you need to be doing right now"
That brief but critical conversation stuck with me. That's what I've been missing. The space to just allow myself to be. To relax on my days off. To simply enjoy the presence of my company. To spend some time not worrying about what I think I should be doing.
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My natural state of being is so engrained with 'survival mode' anxiety that I lost track of the off switch. The majority of my adult life has required me to rise before the sun and get moving. Whether it was due to sleeping outside in a place I shouldn't be, or a mountain of morning farm chores that was waiting for me. I haven't allowed myself to relax and enjoy my current state of comfort or safety.
This is the first time in a decade that I have nothing else to worry about but me. I have a chance right now to figure out my next move. To take the small but necessary steps towards building myself up again. I have a place to sleep. There's always food to eat. And though it's not the best paying job, I know my hours are guaranteed. This might look like complacency, but I need this right now more than anything. I need to allow myself to take a little comfort in what I have. I know as well as anyone that discomfort is a motivator, and believe me I'll get back to that in a minute..
To be continued.
