Friday, November 7, 2014

all for what?

there's a few mistakes in my life that i'm glad i made early on.. one of them is doing things for the sake of others without really considering myself or how i feel about it. i've done that a lot in my past. most particularily returning to and staying in a place i didn't want to be. all in all i'm glad i did because friendships and positive relationships came to be that wouldn't have otherwise, but in the grand scheme i was fairly uncomfortable.

being at where you came from isn't easy, especially when where you came from houses the demons of your past. these demons are not just my own, i shared them with the other streets, other addicts.. and they're still out there doing the dirt. i think one of the most uncomfortable things about being in my hometown is not being able to walk down the road without them seeing me, calling at me.. hating me for rising out of the dirt to become a working-class citizen, able to afford shoes without holes and food from the market. they feel entitled to what i've earned.. a couple would threaten to jump me. having my back up all the time, i never realized how much tension it was causing me on a daily basis. anxiety welled up in my throat every time i'd go to leave the house or work.

i had a sort of sanctuary in my back yard. the garden we would build in the summer was tall enough to block the view from the road, and private enough to camp and have a fire. when my garden was suddenly under attack by vandals i felt like my bubble had been burst. the last place i could feel safe was no longer mine. the garden i'd built in memory of my mother had to be sacrificed.

she's a big part of the reason i stuck around. i'd use other things as excuses, like a boyfriend or some other situation, but really i felt horribly guilty for leaving her to rot in that place alone. even though i'd only see her seldom as at times we could barely stand one another's company, i couldn't go far for long. a lot of what i did i did for her without even realizing. i think she realized it before i did, and the weight of that guilt added to her discontent. staying in the city that consumed her was another big factor in my urge to take leave.

i'm not saying she gave up on life to let me live mine, but i know that's how she felt at times. she would tell me that she felt like she was holding me back. though i insisted otherwise. now that she's gone it's almost like she isn't gone at all. she's more with me now than she was when she was living. people talk to god when they witness the beauty of this life or become afraid, i talk to my mother. she's around. i know she'd be happy that i made it out alive. and when i hit a hilltop or venture down by the water and say, 'hey ma, check this view!' she can hear me.

so what am i here for? do i want to go back? am i homesick? these are questions that have been coming up these days. i'm here for the adventure. everything is a challenge, it's all brand new. i think i'd like to enjoy that for a while. i'm here for me, because i want to be, because it makes me feel good. i like being surrounded by mountains and close to the coast. i thoroughly enjoy the view from my part-time landscaping job up on the harbour. i love that i can hop on a ferry and leave the mainland from here. i love that there's salmon and eagles and bears all within reach. i'm stoked about this place that i'm staying in, that there's new housemates every week from all over the world, and i get to tell them about all the places in Canada they want to hear about because i've been to most of them. i love the climate zone here, and that the spring comes early and fall drags on. i love not having my back up all the time...

the only reason i would want to go back is the people i miss. my friends and extended family, a lot of whom i'd seldom see. though it's amazing to have them close by, the discomfort i'd have to endure to keep them at arm's reach almost makes it moot. thanks to technology it's a lot easier to keep in touch than it was even the last time i took off from the homeland, which certainly helps. i do have a select few friends where i'm at now, thankfully so.

am i homesick? ...i am home. maybe it just hasn't hit me yet, but there's been no urges to go back. i'm waiting for it, still giving it a chance to sink in, and another 'major holiday' to pass, christmas and the new year. if i make it through that, i think i'll be okay. i'll miss going to my folk's house out in the country to sit and talk life with them around the white tree sipping kahlua and listening to the trans siberian orchestra. i already do miss random roadtrips with my baby brother, and latenight tea with my girlfriend down the way. i miss my team, i miss my housemates and the animals and my partner in crime.. will it bring me back? maybe. but not right yet. this is for me.

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