well, here i am again, writing.. it's not always easy to make the words go. i'm not sure how many people actually read this thing, i suppose it doesn't matter. it's for me. but i think i'm afraid sometimes to write things into existence, permanently.. it's one thing to think something, another to say it, and yet another to write it down.
i promised i'd share my story. for whatever reason, people want to hear it. but it's not that easy. mostly i write about the good things, shine a light on positivity and and share my lessons. but i skip the in between. i leave out the real feelings, the fear, the negativity. maybe because i don't like being judged even though i say it doesn't bother me. maybe it's because i don't want to bring anyone down that might read it, to think that the ambassador of positivity has some mighty dark days.
the honest truth is, i'm afraid. i'm not really sure how to explain it. i'm not afraid of death. my death anyways.. i'm more afraid of not living. i have no fucking clue what i'm doing anymore or what i'm in it for, but i'm here. sometimes i have a hard time believing that everything happens for a reason, but i'm beginning to see that everything does happen in it's time. right then, that's when it needed to be. and sometimes that shit hurts and it isn't easy to accept. but it's happening. i can't always be as patient as i'd like to be. maybe that's today's lesson..