i'm standing in it, and still i'm not so sure.
days don't pass the way they used to. something is different, they don't fly by at work anymore, they drag. every moment takes forever, and there's too much time to wonder what i'm doing. i mean, i know what i'm doing at work, maybe that's the problem. it's too easy. so easy i don't really want to do it anymore. don't get me wrong, i love what i do and who i work with, i appreciate full-time employment which is hard to come by in these parts. but right now, at this point in my life it's not for me.
i've been wondering for a while what i can do about it. take a step this way and that, seeking options, hunting opportunities.. embracing the idea of change. i signed up for driving school to get the next degree of driver's permit, i built a resume for the first time in 11 years. i had a plan. get the job on the powertrain, get a truck, bank half my pay, go to school. a very straight-forward, getr done, five year plan. solid auto-pilot routine to certain success.
now that i'm ready for change, i don't think that's the change i need. at least i came to the realization that i wanted something different, at least i took those forward steps to getting out of the trance i'm in. it's good to have a resume, to know what you can do. and now that i've made peace with the idea of parting with what i'm doing right now, i'm in a perfect state of mind to do what i really want to do. what is that?
i think.... i think i've been spending too much time thinking. too many numbers, too much paper, adding, subtracting, budgeting for the next pay... all good things to do to keep yourself in line. but i think right now it's the lines i'm having trouble with. my mind won't let me sleep at night, it needs a vacation. and by that i mean, more than a week away to collect my thoughts, i need however long it takes to feel human again.
there's something not sitting right with me right now, about the idea of devoting so much of my time to running on autopilot through my life to save up money to buy myself a sure and determinate future. there's something that seems strange about saving up to pay an institution to teach me things i can learn out there for free. and to struggle to get by, just to save a bunch more money to pay for a sunny vacation to get away from this automated life. as much as i appreciate the travel and the great company i'd have there, that saved money right now can be better spent on an adventure that lasts a little longer than a slotted seven days.
i'm hungry for change, for learning, for doing something new. i long for fresh mountain springs, for the ocean, and the giant red cedar forest and it's delicious air. i long for freedom from the automated environment that i'm currently in, to get my hands dirty in new soil, a new path to wander. i have arrived, i am home, my destination is in each step. the sage vagabond is unretired. time to dust off the rucksack and move along.
in the meantime, i have been given some of my time back, some moments.. meaning and deep reflection seep back into each day, every step in the garden, each raindrop that lands on my head. as i prepare for departure i weigh the value and necessity of each possession. what can i do or make or sell to gather some funds for travel and make space in my garage.. what do i need to let go of before i step out of the picture for a while and into a new and changing landscape. it's time to pack that rucksack.. let the countdown begin.