dandelion fluff.

i've experienced some pretty incredible triumphs in my lifetime, and some pretty horrible and gruesome failures.. and though they were horrible and gruesome [and some incredibly expensive], i can hardly regret them. i am beginning to realize that sometimes you must see something fall apart completely to understand how it works.

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i haven't been writing much.. or at all really, on any blogs or anything at all. it's not that i don't have anything to write about, or the lack of words to write it out [for once!], it's just that i haven't had the time. so much has been happening. it's hard to digest. meaningful coincidences, things suddenly making sense... and i've been pretty busy too. getting organized has a sudden sense of urgency behind it, and i've been pretty focused on that in many aspects of my life. at home, on the job, in my mind.. putting things in their place to maximize their potential. observing things, their strengths and weaknesses, trying new systems to see how they work. and did i mention the garden? all that, one word... permaculture.

don't get me wrong, i miss my mother. terribly. it still kills me in solitary moments when i deeply realize that us kids will not hug her again in this life. but we can still tell her stories.. through our hearts and through our actions. and i suppose, that's what i've been up to. my brother too. we just have different ways of going about things. always do.

we spent so much time worrying ourselves about the poor woman, and it was hard knowing there wasn't much we could do to help. she wouldn't take it. and it was sad to see her uncomfortable for so long. we miss her so much, but it's relieving to know she no longer has to suffer. that she isn't stuck here, immobilized by pain. now that she's safe and warm, we can live our lives to the fullest without guilt and worry in our hearts. just love. ps. she missed her mother too.