Friday, June 3, 2016

repairing the vessel

ahhh that was a depressing visit to the doc. i'm in a little worse shape than i thought, but overall i'm confident i can fix this. to summarize, i need to give my system a boost and a really good cleaning before my innards decide to stop working completely. gotta cut out all the bullshit for at least a month to let myself recover. stress included.

lucky for me i kinda dropped out on that garden center job. i still have the gardening and hopefully enough incoming from the last couple weeks to float me until July. six days a week burnt me out in 3 months after being laid off [and stressing hard about it] for almost two months prior. i think the experience as a whole since last december threw me into survival mode for so long it wore me out completely. there's no way, right at this moment, i could go back to living out of a pickup truck and working labour jobs every day of the week, and busting ass in the woods that one day i have off. it'd kill me for sure. i need a minute.

sleep is key. i need to do more of it. the sketchy scheduling at the garden center threw me off. some days i'd start at 6am, others i wouldn't get off till ten at night. followed by a long hard day in the sun/rain/whatever landscaping. i need this time of working part time to recover my health so that i can ready myself to make some loot and enjoy what i've got. i'm no good to nobody if i'm dyin' or losing my mind. my full time job for the next 30 days is to get better. or get a damn good start on it at least. i know it's gonna take time, and a full out permanent change to keep me good for a while. i kinda want to stick around n see what happens so.. i'll do my best.

i have to stop worrying. anxiety is my enemy. i have to not worry for a minute that i won't find enough work to cover my ass when i'm ready. i have to not worry about the impermanence of my living situation and embrace the fact that i have what i have right now, and do what i can. i have stop worrying about things i can't change. i have a lot to be thankful for. and look forward to. and enjoy right now. there's no sense in this wrinkle in my forehead.


i dug out the old health n fitness blog. it needed to see the light of day again. i had to call myself out.... again. i did so back in december '14 when i realized i was slipping. and i did nothing to fix it. in fact i made it worse. go me. i rock at life. well i did once and i want to again so this be the mission.

got the hand crank juice press ready for the morning. can't locate the extra bits for my blender, and imma have to grab a few things hopefully cheap to get the ball rolling. i'll need a thermal lunch container of sorts to keep ma shiz cold and fresh, a case of mason jars, and a few jugs and bowls for prep. good thing i've done this a few times. sigh.

i choose to live.


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