the balance

i want to remember this, but i'm having a hard time keeping track. i rarely write anymore, almost never tote around my camera, even my sketchbook is suffering neglect. i'm not sure what my problem is. a part of it may be time management, and admittedly part laziness.. a healthy dose of forgetfulness too. forgetting to remember, yeah that sounds like something i'd do.

this is me making an effort. i'm writing something which is better than nothing, right? i suppose shit got too real there for a minute. did the Ontario and back thing, made a somewhat triumphant return to VanCity, happened into a place to live and sourced out two jobs real quick to make ends meet. and they almost do.. almost.

be careful what you wish for. that seems to be the theme of the year. the past couple even.. that shit just might come true. and then what? am i satisfied? i should be. i got what i wished for. now i need to find the balance.

sometimes i forget to smile, to be grateful for every little thing i have. as i should be. i'm in a beautiful place, i made a few friends, there's plenty of opportunity for adventure and to learn new things. yet i'm still somehow exhausted at the very notion of keeping up with it all. sometimes all i want to do is sleep for an entire week, camp out on a couch for a month or spend half a year getting cozy with my tent, but at this point in time those are non-options. what i can and should do is learn to deal with the cards i've been dealt.. drew from the deck myself rather. this is my own doing.

...


a couple weeks have passed since i started writing this. summer is making itself known as the sun grows hotter each day. it's hard to sleep at night. not that i ever had much luck with that. it's been a few months since i returned from Ontario, nine since i decided to leave in the first place, and thirteen months to the day since my mother died. i'm lacking in direction lately. back home i had the house and the garden, a job i'd had for years, comfort, structure. i grew bored, but it was simple. long term goals, plans, and the direction i'm currently lacking. all these things i didn't have my whole life and when i finally had them, i walked away. the only thing i can be sure of, is that everything will change.

i don't know what else to say about all that, except that i'm feeling strange. still, i don't want to forget this.. another month later i finally hit the publish button. it's July. what is wrong with me?