2014.. up in smokes.

well, holy shit. it's almost the end of the year already. what a freakin year.

2013 was a big one for me. lots of travel and adventure, lots of work, lots of focus externally. i found myself very distracted and even overwhelmed, but i don't regret any of it. in fact, i'm grateful i got to experience it all, as unexpected as it was. it was also year 5 for me being pretty well planted in one place, which began to weigh in. and so did i... i was very heavy.

i think my major problem was [and still often is] that i wasn't sure what i wanted. i thought permanence and stability was it [gain credit, buy a house, fill it with people, get a career etc]. but the further in i got, the greater my anxiety. i didn't realize while i was in it that the very things i was striving for was causing me so much stress. i was so distracted by it all that i neglected to take care of myself, my vessel.. and as it grew more and more unhealthy, i became depressed. change had to happen.

2014 saw a lot more changes internally for me. my thinking, my actions and reactions, and ultimately a change of environment to support my internal needs. after trying hard and failing to regain my health in 2013, i made it my main focus this year and made a lot more progress. though i had my own motivations, losing my cousin to cancer in early spring, and then my mother's untimely expiration a couple months later really drove it home. how important it is to take care of myself, i'm only gonna get one shot at maintaining this body so i have to put a little more effort into ensuring it doesn't fall apart too soon. i did a month long juice cleanse, started eating mostly raw and vegan, and even ran a couple decent seminars to teach people how to use a juicer. i got all over the healthy scene..

and now here i am kicking myself in the ass. i've come this far and accomplished so much health-wise, reduced the stress of anxiety by a lot, lost them pounds.. and started effing smoking again. smoking! i had a pack or two on the bus ride out here, bus rides ugh.. but then stopped. for a couple months almost.. and as soon as i started working that job, holy shit all i wanted was a cigarette. juuuust like the last time i worked nights. well i really gotta cut that shit out. i can feel what it's doing to me, my chest, my throat, i can feel the arteries constricting in my limbs... it's just gross and i'm sure it's not doing me any favours. i've had this pain right in my chest for a few days that's telling me it's time to quit. no more excuses, it calms my nerves and my guts, i like to smoke, all that shit. one life, take it or leave it. it's time to pull up my socks on this.

2015 is coming. time for another one them lists.. i do this every year and it usually works. however i'm pretty sure quit smoking has been on the list a few years in a row. and i do quit, just not forever. but really if i want to get any further health and fitness wise, i need my heart and lungs. smoking is fucking terrible for those things and chest pain is a scary time. i need to check that thing off to continue on down the list. i want to focus more on my diet, maybe start jogging again if my foot/knee can handle that now with less weight, and basically better refine my self-care healthy habits before summer comes around again and i get distracted. i need a sort of routine established before everything gets crazy again, cuz who knows where i'll be or what i'll be doing.

and i need to get creative again. beyond just blogging and snapping a few pics. i want to try my hand at poetry, i used to do that shit all the time. and writing styles, get some markers and a sketchbook, and doodle more in the one that was gifted to me. i need to finish the process of getting a drivers permit so i can plan some adventures. i'm jacked to get organized and give most of my shit away. and i'd like to learn something new. a new skill, or trade, or maybe a whole new job, who knows. something i've never done before.

well let's see what happens. i'm putting it out there, first step to manifest.