Monday, December 18, 2017

Yet still hopeful..

I should be overwhelmed with anxiety right about now.. I just can't let it eat at my brain anymore. Looking back over the past few years of blog posts I noticed a couple of things. One, there is a fairly consistent pattern of ups and downs, and second.. I wish I wrote more. And thirdly, I seem to have predicted every change somehow. Could have been keen sense or lucky guesses, who knows.

Right now, I'm blank.. it's hard to say which way this will go. Since being a subcontractor work has never been so slow. There was so much work this summer we were turning jobs down.. even last year at this time we were swamped. This season was a killer combo. We lost one big contract that would have held us over all winter as it was postponed. Then the next one we got we lost money on HUGE. And now we've been waiting two weeks for a job that was due to start mid November.. today was supposed to finally be the day we begin. And nothing. 

*sigh*

There's one week til Xmas, and we were hoping to be able to spoil my partner's kids a little. Last year was rough for both of us but we managed to pull something together. This year we're praying just to make it through. Thankfully we'd hoarded most of the recycling we accumulated this year in the shed, and made two trips to town to cash it in.. 160 bucks in cans and drink containers. We were able to get a couple bags of produce and a tank of gas, with a few bucks to stash for emergency. 

But that, unfortunately, won't cover the rent. Or the hydro, or insurance.. Or any of the other crap that ties me in. 12 days till the end of the month and I'm praying for a miracle. We've thankfully found a few day jobs to keep us afloat but nothing major. This isn't the way I'd expected things to go, but then again, it's my life which is nothing short of unpredictable. 

The past week or so I've felt so guilty that we might lose out on this place that I've barely been able to leave it. With any bit of rain (and there's been lots) I hide inside as if to savour the roof over my head keeping me dry instead of bothering to venture out from under it. I've been using this as an excuse in my mind to sit inside.. pondering if perhaps we should be using up what's left of our food stores as to not waste it in the case that we might have to pack up and live in the van.

...

I can't foresee- after everything that's happened to get me where I'm at- that this is all over. I refuse to pack it in, I'm not giving up. Something must give. We will find the miracle contract. We will make the rent. Our little farm will live on.. somehow.


I finally got up out of my puddle of depression and went for a walk this morning. I reveled in the mystical beauty of the rainclouds dancing around the mountaintops threatening to snow. I stood in awe of the massive eagles and heron as they effortlessly sailed between the trees right beside me and the mountains way off in the distance. I took many deep breaths while I watched the ducks bob about in the water.

Something happens when suddenly everything is under threat of being lost or ending. Reality seems more real. Food has flavour that floods in memories. The feel of rain on the skin, the smell of the air... Moments seem to drag on for eternity. There's a quiet and a stillness that is peaceful inside the chaos. Time stops.

And then it catches up with you..

...

Tomorrow is a new day. Today, I'm hopeful.

No comments:

Post a Comment