...on a boat

my first ferry ride to Vancouver Island. it was pretty sweet... with a combined seven hours of public transit and BC Ferries i made it from the 'big city' all the way to island haven cottage country. and what a journey. of course there was that moment where the captain announces the presence of a killer whale off side the boat, and by the time i'd gotten my camera up [and through the crowd that rushed the rails] i'd caught a glimpse with my eyes but missed with the lens.

it was sort of a strange feeling watching the mainland drift away on the horizon, knowing i would be passing briefly through american waters to get to the rest of Canada. the last time i'd experienced something similar was taking a shuttle bus over the 11km long bridge from New Brunswick to Prince Edward Island.. though the feeling just wasn't the same. i felt so... disconnected. which was a welcome break from being immersed in city life.

i couldn't take my eyes off the scenery as we approached the little islands. coastal cottages, dreamy little places down by the water and lighthouses at every corner. my eyes and mind scrambled up the mountain side as i dreamed of what adventures may come. certainly no regrets taking some 'retirement' time.. every second has been a blessing.

vague projections into time and space...

i was having a bit of a rough go there for a minute. honestly, i've been having a bit of a rough go all year. sometimes it's just unrealistic to stay optimistic all the bloody time. sometimes shit hits the fan, and the only thing you can do about it is sit down and cry, all covered in it. and then, i must pick myself up and move along.

one of those things you learn as a backpacker is to plan ahead, but be prepared for a complete change of plans. it's been a while since i've been out, and i almost forgot about this... not really, i did have backup plans, sort of.. but of course everything i had in my head before i left the province had since fallen through. thankfully someone kept to their word, and has been more help than i could ever ask for. and i made a few new friends who feel like they've been around forever. lesson re-learned, don't rely on others too often. and when they duck out, don't take it personally. life goes on.

so just about the moment i realized that everything i was riding on for future plans had crapped out, new things-to-do started popping out at me 'from the universe'. and the craziest part is, i get to be in vaguely the same places around sort of the same time i was planning for, only to visit different people and accomplish different things than i had set out for originally.

now my main stressor is waiting for the money. it's been 6 weeks since i 'retired' from my job, and since so many others did at roughly the same time, it's a hurry-up-and-wait game getting my hands on my account of deferred profits. i had given myself a month between retiring and skipping the province to allow things to settle in that department. the last time i had called the financial place, the company i was working for hadn't yet sent them the validation that i was no longer employed, and that was a month after i'd left the company.

i was kinda sorta relying on that loot coming in at some point around the beginning of this trek, and i'm running low on funds. hopefully that'll all be worked out shortly so i don't have to dip too far into credit, i'd like to be able to continue to travel and visit and learn for the rest of the year before settling to work again. and when i do that'll only be temporary too. i get anxious after a couple seasons in one place, i have come to accept. i am a transient being...

so anyways, i'll do the island thing for a week or two, however that works out.. then i'd like to be back here in Vancity for thanksgiver and halloween. My next stop will hopefully be Alberta for a good long while, until i get sick of the winter and head back to the coast for winter solstice and the new year. back to Ontario shortly thereafter to chill with fams and friends, and rack up some loot for the next adventure. onward!

one day at a time.

it's easy to get overwhelmed when you leave a life you've grown accustomed to and rejoin the chaos that is the rest of the world.. especially when you get more than you bargained for, most of your plans fall through, and people happen into your life that tend to change the course of things. i'm caught up in that frantic mode of 'hurry up and wait'.

i wanna get stuff done, and i'm still waiting on paper mail from my previous job and an account that i opened so i can get all my legal junk out of the way. i was sort of in a rush to get here and get myself situated before the winter set in. and i was hoping to enjoy some summer sun while it lasts. for leaving as soon as i can, i had left some other things undone. things that i'll have to return and take care of before the spring comes.

almost six weeks i think it's been already since i've worked for money.. i've kept busy with gardening and getting myself ready to be on the move, then being on the move, and the past couple days i've just kind of done... not a hell of a lot. if i sit too long i start to feel useless, and that's a terrible feeling. doing my best to make other plans to fill the time where others fell through and in the meantime living in the moment. just have to relax a minute and let life be.

i've let a few things slide since i've been out, my workout regime went right out the window but i'm slowly attempting to get back on top of it. it's different now though, walking around this city is like climbing a small mountain every day so the muscles i need to work on my own time are changing. i've even lost a pound since my arrival without even trying! ha, slick..

well anyhoo, though my plans all fell through i'm starting to collect new ones. there's a few bands i wanna see while i'm here [there's live shows everywhere, all the time] and even a birthday party i wanna hit up before heading to the island. a friend of mine from back home is coming this way for a couple weeks to puppysit a couple dogs so imma get in on that action! i love hanging with homies from back home in other places, always makes for a unique adventure. from there i'll head back to Vancity for thanksgiver and halloween, and then perhaps pick up some work for the start of the winter.

i didn't come out here with much in the way of apparel, my rucksack was packed with camera gear and a crank juicer. thankfully Vancouver appears to be the king of second-hand stores, which i love. the seasons are starting to change [not summer snowfalls like Calgary], and it's getting cooler. the rains will come in the next few weeks as well. my first excursion to a Salvation Army proved very successful. i found four teeshirts, two pairs or pants, one being a really kickass pair of sturdy lightweight snowboarding pants, and the most comfy green hoodie in the world, all for under forty bucks. all i need now is a rain coat, a couple long sleeves and maybe a pair of long underwear for the chill.

speaking of chill i think i've done enough of that for a couple days, today i'll venture early and find something to get into. it's only seven in the morning here but i'm still a few timezones ahead. onward..

between places.

i'm in an interesting place, my life divided between two distant provinces. i have a love for the coast and the sea and the mountains, and roots back home in niagara that i have yet to explore. just like every other situation and scenario in my life, i am torn.

suppose it's time to do the pros and cons thing. weigh it out, which province is more beneficial for me to make residence. whichever it is i hope not to sit still for a good few years, so i'll have to determine which is a better anchor point to come back to.maybe i'll find a way to hold down both..

the gameplan for the next whatever span of time is to establish a system where i can work and nest and bank money seasonally so that my summer and fall is free to travel and farm and harvest and enjoy. this should be doable in either place as both are university towns and tend to have lots of short-term student housing available. i know i'm pushing thirty but i still get asked for identification when i go places that require being of age, so i think i can ride out the student thing for a good few years.

thing is i have stuff in ontario. stufffff. not worth anything, just sentimental. some furnitures from my mother, that's cram packed with a bunch of other sentimental junk like pictures and mine and dan's first outfits. random junk that through all the moves and living out of the station wagon mom still managed to hang on to. stuffed into this big black trunk. and then a cabinet my dad built, with little shelves for my little beanie toys. i loved those things, eff barbie dolls i wanna be an animal! ha! ...and then a few crates of my own photos, a small library's worth of books, art and old camera gear that i somehow kept all these years. anyhoo..

it's not stuff i have any means of transporting any time soon. i'm not exactly comfortable enough to drive across the country nor do i yet have the proper documentation to do so. something i gotta take care of when i go back. having a license to drive is one thing, i'm not sure i'll ever be comfortable enough to transport myself around in a giant steel and plastic box on wheels. i chose to learn to drive just to have the knowledge of how to operate a motor vehicle if the need were ever to arise. is this a need? hmm. or i can continue to pay for the locker... i just don't know yet.

what i do know is i quite enjoy the climate here. i like that the ground doesn't really freeze in the winter and here on the coast they almost never see snow. i'm not sure how i'll feel about the lack of sun for so long, but then again when working all day i never saw it in ontario in the winter anyway. i don't know, i don't know.

and then the people. like the sweet boy i'm sure i'd never convince to come here for a while. and some friends that i know would really dig it.. ahh that i think is mainly why people go back. i know i'll make a few friends here, but i'll always miss my homies back home. i always do when i leave for any amount of time. and the bit of family i have still exists in the region. *sigh*.

transience is the only answer really. i'm never decided on what i want, i can't make up my mind ever, and i always want the other. plus there's tons of neat stuff to do when you needn't be anywhere in particular, so i may as well figure out how to exist everywhere and nowhere all at once. it is decided. onward...

the journey west

it began about a week before i left.. living on greyhound buses traveling the peninsula to visit friends. it gave me a chance to get used to being seated and in motion, just a little taste of the 75 hour trip ahead. it turned out to be not so bad. meeting some of the most amazing people made up for the lack of comfort.

greyhound is the cheapest way to get across the country [i'm too old for hitching anymore haha], but it isn't for everyone. two hundred bucks from 'down east' all the way to the west coast. three days straight. worth it? if you're ready... mind state. yea, i know imma be sitting on my ass for days on end, i might not get to shower, and the food is gonna suck. but someone on that bus is on a mission just as epic and imma meet them.. and i usually do. all of them by the end of it. and i did.

in the end it comes down to self-reflection. what's behind no longer matters. even forget about what's coming or where i'm going... just existing in the now, on this bus, with these people, by myself. the long dark night in northern ontario was crisp and breathtaking. i couldn't sleep for the cold and the motion, but as my eyes drifted outside the window to the blackest of skies i could see the stars coming through clear as day. and after a few moments when my eyes had adjusted, i could see the milky way. love.

the prairies are always a favourite. not saying i'd be likely to live there [not a fan of the winters], but what a place to watch a storm. i was thankful that a storm was chasing our greyhound across the grasslands. with nothing obstructing the view of the clouds i could see both edges of the storm. it rained and rained, cleansing.. the entire sky overtaken. then after a good lightning show, the clouds let the sun shine through. double rainbow over the trans-canada..

almost home. once through the prairies the rest of alberta and bc goes rather quick. the ever changing terrain keeps me fixated outside the window, awaiting every rest stop so that i can jump off and taste the air. the most exciting part of course is leaving calgary. one because i get to leave calgary, and second because that's about when you can really start to see the mountains creeping up on the horizon. permasmile.

i love it. the mountains are amazing and majestic and i can't wait to wander them. autumn is coming, and you best believe i brought my cameras. haha! october is my favourite colour. i love pumpkin spice, i'm white as hell, and fuck starbucks. the adventure continues.. as i land in VanCity.

day 22

well that went quick. sometimes. other moments lasted a day themselves. i'm a pretty firm believer that everything happens in it's time, and i'm glad i took this time to just be. i'm so grateful that i was able to spend an hour almost every morning this month slowly pacing the garden, picking snacks, harvesting lunch and care packages. it feels so much more natural waking with the sun to toil in the garden or work for food than to get up by alarm and miss the day while inside hustling the best hours away.

it takes time to learn the value of a dollar. it takes wisdom to learn the value of time, of days and of moments. to me right now, nothing means more than taking my time. at any moment it could be over, and i'm particularly sensitive these days about not wasting any more time.

every day since i decided to opt out of the common north american lifestyle has been a blessing. i don't regret opting in in the first place. having lived both domesticated and not, i have a good idea of the balance i can achieve to have some sort of stability with the freedom i need to move around. i learned a lot about myself and the world, and now have a better idea of what i want to do with myself, a greater sense of purpose. the basis of my purpose being to get the most out of life while helping others do the same. and to give back, always giving back.

finally i've had time to give back to the people in my life who have helped to make it the epic experience that it has been. walking around the hometown i've taken for granted with the loved ones i never had time for, and traveling to other towns and cities in the peninsula to hit up friends and family for more laughs and moments. i'm especially grateful for this time after years of 40 hour work weeks and having weekends to juggle relaxation and recuperation with getting chores done and maybe, just maybe visiting friends. i like this better. the sacrifices i have to make to sustain this mode a while are well worth it.

i leave for the west coast tuesday. i've been living out of a pile in the corner that will be all i am bringing with me. i prepared my packs a couple weeks ago so that i can get a feel for what i'm bringing, and have time to swap things out that i may not need as much as other things. i haven't really been home much except to sleep which was out in the tent most of the summer.

today i'm mostly catching up, doing some laundry, maybe another trip to the garage, and sorting out my funds. soon come mountains, soon come ocean, soon come one long-ass bus ride. but first, a few more slightly less long bus journeys to visit more homies before i go. tomorrow, KW.

moving on..

 we are thinking of moving in the spring..

so i look around the yard for what i might take with me.

i can leave the garden, perhaps take a plant or two,

and the planter box most definitely, it's from my brother.

and the water barrel from my dad

and of my mother, all i have are these hands

that plant the seeds into the soil.

my sisters are beckoning me
the white tipped tops of mountains calling..
before we make the move i must go sailing
to find the place where the sun sets
to put my mind at ease.

when my mother left, she took time with her
as if she was the only one keeping count.
the days no longer exist if not on paper
minutes no longer pass without the digits on the wall.
so this is freedom..