The crash.

I haven't published a post in a while, though I have many sitting in draft that I just haven't been able to finish. Sometimes it's hard to find the words. 

I'm coming up on my 3 year mark of permanently uprooting myself from Southern Ontario, and a lot has changed since then. There have been many ups, and some pretty severe downs.. and though on the outside I have made a lot of progress and achieved some pretty rad life goals, on the inside I'm falling apart. 

My health is failing, being the number one down. My physical health, which I had come to master on my own through nutrition, exercise and meditation, I have all but lost touch with. This is affecting my mental health in a serious way this past 9 or so months, and as a result I have been pushing away my partner. 

I'm on the brink of losing everything I have worked so hard to achieve, just as I'm about to finally make a huge step forward in my career. If I don't get my health in order, and fast, I'm going to be in some serious trouble. I don't want that. I don't want to lose out on decent job opportunities, on the homestead I've put my heart and soul into, and the partner that helped me make it all happen. I must make a change before it's too late. 

One day at a time, right?

I woke up this morning, sick and tired of being sick and tired. I awoke to the realization that if I don't take control today, I won't have the energy to keep on working, to maintain that beautiful garden, to keep getting out into the world, on the water, into the mountains. 

I have everything in life I could have ever dreamt of and then some, and I have been letting it go to waste by letting myself go to waste. I don't want to be sick anymore, or angry, anxious or depressed. I want to live the life I have, and be happy. 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I will make it a good one. I will only eat healthful, nutritious foods, I will do my best not to have a cigarette, and I will smile. 

...

If you're reading this, thank you. For your love and support and kind words and thoughts. I would have never had the strength to keep my head above water the past few years without you. I will get through this, like everything else. One day at a time. 

December.

I've written and backspaced the first paragraph of this post probably a dozen times by now. It's hard. That's about all I can say. December is a hard month for many, for so many reasons. And it's almost over, thank the gods. I didn't think I'd make it through without a complete meltdown, but I'm lucky to have understanding friends and family, and a solid partner at my side. Even as the west coast saw it's first actual winter in several years, I managed to keep it together while everyone's world was seemingly ending, under a blanket of ice and snow. Once you get out on the roads, you can really tell who's from the east coast. We spent Christmas day helping push people out of the snow, and taking on mini winter rescue missions while on our fishing trip.

2016 flew by so fast, I didn't have a moment to panic despite how absolutely crazy, turbulent and ever-changing it has been. Pain, joy, loss, celebration. A balance of extremes. Connections and deaths so unexpected. Lessons learned that I wasn't even aware were in the program. I could have never imagined in January where I'd have ended up twelve months later. Sitting on the stairs of an unfinished basement, awaiting further instruction on how to assemble the section of duct I'm working on, with all the required takeoffs spaced appropriately to accommodate the necessary heat runs.. HVAC. Who knew I'd get into sheet metal. Not me..

Then again, most of this year took me by surprise. What else is new, I guess. Life is an adventure. Expect the unexpected, and all that.

Most of last winter was spent living with my good friend and his dog in a pickup truck in the woods. No running water, no cell service, no power but the truck battery, no heat besides the fire. I spent most of the season laid off with the occasional day of gardening, and eventually found a temporary greenhouse job at a hardware store in the city. Nights were long and cold, but thankfully never lonely.

Spring meant more work for me. My friend and I had to part ways so that I could be closer to the city. I set out with my tent, moved my gear into a storage locker, and worked nearly 7 days a week to get caught up. Between two jobs, one of them with horribly long hours, I burnt out after a few quick months. I was lucky enough to find a couch to crash, and find better work before summer rolled around.

Shortly after turning thirty-one, I met someone whose lifestyle inspired me to change my own. I finally acquired a BC driver's license, and swore off working weekends. Weekends are for adventure, for fun, for church, aka nature. I spent every weekend of the spring camping, traveling, venturing out on the water, and making new friends. My connection with that particular individual ended abruptly, and shortly thereafter, I made an unexpected journey home.

One of my closest friends, a brother so to speak, passed away suddenly in late June. The thought of his passing is still difficult to conceive. The journey home stirred my mind and my spirit on so many levels. I nearly stayed. I miss my friends, my family.. [which extends far beyond any blood-line]. Returning west was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make, but I had a feeling the coast wasn't done with me yet. For now the only cure for my anxiety lies up in the mountains, and along these river banks.

I went back to work until it broke me. My partner [who I thankfully met along the way] finally convinced me to stop working a job that was slowly killing me, and instead, work towards my freedom. We bought a vehicle so that I could find my own direction. I found some contract work that I could schedule around my existing life, and rode it out until I found something even better. Trades.

And so begins another new chapter of my life. One completely unlike any other, and I have no idea how it's gonna go. No pre-determined schedules, no guaranteed paychecks, long-term contracts, everything is day-to-day. Just playing it as it comes. This spring the challenge will be to keep steady work rolling in, find an actual place to live, and start planning for the future. Finding a plot to build a garden would be nice, it's been too long.

While I'm at it, I'll take this opportunity to call myself out one last time this year.. with my focus being scattered all over the map [literally], I've completely lost track of my own physical health. Though I have a better grasp of my mental health now than I have in a few years, my body is suffering. I finally managed this past week to ditch the cigarettes, after who knows how many attempts, and the rest of it is to come. No more crap. Don't need any more junk in my trunk, if you know what I'm saying. Time to offload those pounds I found again that I'd once worked so bloody hard to get rid of. Bring it on 2017, I'm ready.


xo

killing me sweetly

This isn't the first time in the past few weeks I've rolled over at 3a.m. writhing in pain, in fact it's probably been nearly every day for a while now. I'm killing myself here. The fact is, my body simply can't handle the stresses I've been subjecting it to, and once again, I'm feeling the consequences tenfold. I wrote a couple weeks ago about the changes I need to make in my lifestyle to get back to a better state of health, and the only one I've had somewhat of a success with was the quitting smoking. I've maybe had nearly a pack's worth of cigarettes in the past two weeks as opposed to a pack a day. But that ain't gonna save me..

I'll admit it, sugar is my weakness. Cola too. Most specifically, Coca-Cola. I swear they still put drugs in that sh*t.. I've got to get away from it. Before absolutely none of my pants fit..

...

Yesterday was one of those days of great awakening. I got up at the crack of dawn to drive a couple hundred kilometers and put my brand new chest waders to the test. It wasn't just the waders that were tested, my strength and endurance barely made the cut. How the hell could I let myself slip like this? I was doing so well before I moved out here. I just let myself go. Gained more than half the weight back, picked up all those horrible habits I had finally done away with, neglecting my health completely.

The hike nearly killed me. My goodness was the scenery ever gorgeous. Surrounded by mountains, wild waterways, fish swimming around my feet, eagles perched by the dozens in the dead standing trees.. It was enough to take my breath away. If my lack of physical fitness didn't get to that first. And if I keep going on like this, I fear that hike will be the last of it's kind for me.

I don't want that.

I gotta get back on track. Now time. No more excuses. Yes I'm broke, I'm always broke. I'll be far more broke if I can't get me arse out of bed to go make money. I want to come home from an epic adventure and write about how amazing it was to get out there, and not have to bitch about how it nearly killed me. I want to hook a fish and actually be able to reel the thing in on my own so I can take it home and eat it instead of getting all down about it and going out for sushi instead. I want the healthy me back. I know I only had it briefly, but it was enough for me to know how I want to live my life. With a lot less [preventable] suffering.

...

So yeah, the hike. My fella warned me that it wouldn't be easy, but I wanted to go anyways. Though there were a few moments I wanted to just call it quits [not an option, of course..] I kept on moving. I didn't turn back or wimp out, I pushed through. And I'm sure glad that I did. There's something so completely humbling about being at the mercy of the rising waters, feeling the pressure and weight of the river around my body as I waded deeper to cross. One slip and you're in there, one wrong step and you're gone. I could barely contain my excitement to see the fish stir up the mud around my feet.

The sky was layered with cloudy patches, the rain came in waves. Breaks between the rain were timed perfectly for breaks in our hike. We stopped on a sand bar for a bite to eat. We could hear nothing but the sound of the water rushing past, the eagles screeching all around us, and the rain drops hitting our hoods. As I munched my timbits I daydreamed about building a tree house on the side of the mountain, facing the river, having the huge dead old tree filled with eagles as the view from my front window. I could stay out there forever.

When we finally arrived at 'the spot', the water was almost a foot higher than when we had set out. The path was nowhere to be found, so we dropped our packs on shore close to a fallen tree and cast our lines. Not six casts in, I hooked a fat silver coho. Not expecting to have a fish on so soon, I didn't have the best hold on my rod. Before I could get into a better position to reel it in, the f*cker jumped and spit my hook. Damn it! After barely a minute of fighting the thing, my wrist was killing me. Even if I had been able to keep it on the line, there's no way I would have been able to land it. Where'd my strength go?!

I stood there wading in the ice cold water until my feet went numb. I didn't want to give up. The rain came on heavy, the river kept rising, and we had to call it a day. The hike back to the van was deadly. With the water as high as it was, some of the crossings we'd used on the way out were much higher than chest level. We had to find other points to cross most of the waterways, finding ourselves to be lucky we'd left when we did. Any longer out there and we would have been stranded, or swimming quite a way with all our gear. There were many beaches on the way out that were now more than a foot under water.

The rain persisted, as did we. I noticed a little caterpillar waving in the wind atop a single blade of grass, about to be overtaken by the rising water. I snatched him up, and carried him gently in my palm for the last kilometer of the hike. For whatever reason, having this fuzzy little guy at the mercy of my path made me tread more carefully, and I was focused less on how soaked and cold I was, and more on getting us both back to shore safe and sound. It reminded me to slow down a little, and take in my surroundings. Not to panic. Just breathe.

What seemed like forever later, we finally reached the bank by the road where Delilah was parked. I scrambled up the slope, fuzzy little caterpillar still in hand, and a giant smile on my face. I made it! Despite my shit state of health, I still mustered the spirit to endure the hike. I didn't collapse in defeat at the end as I figured I might. We peeled off our gear and sat in the van with the heat cranked as the worst of the storm blew in around us.

Never again I thought. Not that I never want to do that hike again, but I never want to find myself cursing my horrible lifestyle choices for not allowing me to enjoy the nature around me the way I'd like to. This has to end now. I must regain my health. I can not be defeated, I am not weak. The choice is mine and I'm making it. This is what I came here for.

Forever Forward.

xo

change- the only constant [part.2]

The air was crisp and cool last night, the sweet delicious smell of wood burning stoves warmed my heart. I love autumn. Sweater weather makes me smile.

It's kind of hard to believe just a few weeks ago I was praying for summer to be over, then seemingly overnight my wishes were granted. It took all summer to adjust to the days getting ever hotter, toting liters of water with me to work. The weight of the water was traded in for rain gear.

The weather isn't the only change I'm getting used to. Having my own vehicle is one of the biggest changes of my life. And finally, a winter coming where I don't have to worry about where I'll be sleeping at night. My fella and I were offered a room in his family's modular home until we get back on our feet. Having a warm bed instead of a couch or tent is a sweet treat.

It's been a good few years that I've essentially been living out of a storage locker. This week I finally pulled out my belongings to store inside the house. And to make use of.. my camera gear hasn't seen the light of day in quite some time.

...

Speaking of time, I've been trying to finish this blog post for a few weeks now. I just haven't had time to sit in front of a computer to write. If I'm not working, I'm commuting to/from work, or driving my arse out of the city to camp and [attempt to] catch some fish. Suppose I shouldn't complain, 6 weeks from now I'll have 6 weeks of very little work as the season winds down. Then I have to make some decisions as to what I'll do with myself..

Back in Ontario I never could have imagined myself being a landscaper. The seasons are too harsh, the heat far too unbearable in the summer, and the cold too bitter in winter to spend nights outdoors working the snow removal shift. It's been nearly a solid 14 months I've been pulling it off out here, minus the 3 month hiatus I took at layoff where I tried my hand once again in the retail scene.

I'm beginning to see that perhaps neither scene is fully for me. I love gardening, that's for sure, and I've been doing that for cash a couple days a week since i moved out here. i'd like to keep it up, but I'm exploring other options as well. I'm finally making a decent wage with the commercial landscaping, but the work plus the elements is doing a number on me physically.

...

It's noon on a Saturday, and here I am for the first time in a long time, sitting indoors in my track pants sipping tea and relaxing my bones and joints. I haven't been this full-body sore before without it being caused by some sort of flu. And I know I'm not sick so... something has to change.

A bunch of things really. I've been talking about it for a while, but nothing will change unless I do..

Not that I haven't done it before, change up the things I need to for the benefit of my health.. and I'm running out of excuses. My job has been a big one for me. An excuse not to take fantastic care of myself, and I can definaltely feel the effects. I still smoke, or again rather.. It's hard not to in that industry. It's a good excuse to kind of take a break [or at least do something less impactful for 5 minutes], it's a reward after a tough job done, it's a social moment. And dammit, for whatever reason, I just bloody well enjoy smoking.

And then my diet.. I need calories or carbs or salt on demand in quick to consume formats, and that rarely equals out to anything healthy. Especially since fresh things are hard to keep that way in an ever fluctuating climate. The work truck gets hot when it sits in the sun. And real soggy real quick in the rainy season when she's loaded up with us and our rain soaked gear. The job plus the commute takes up far too much of my day to take a moment to eat properly, or prepare better foods and pack them in such a way to keep them edible until I need them in a day. Plus I gotta carry that sh*t around haha.. I know, I know.. excuses, excuses.

Looking back, at least I made an attempt this year. I let circumstances get the better of me and gave up quick. Here I am again, calling myself out, this time I gotta make it stick. It's about hard work and dedication at first, but after a while healthy lifestyle becomes easier, routine, reflex, even enjoyable, if you let it be. It's always step one that's hardest.

Here we go again, thank goodness for the change of scenery. Next [and most critical] step, my health. Can't take many other steps without that one.


xo

home[less]?

november. i'm not entirely sure how i always end up 'homeless' in the winter, but it happens. here i am. the second last night of october, vancouver was hit with the first big rain storm of the season. as per expected, the roof of the slanty shanty finally fell through. it rained for two days into my bedroom. and almost every day since. i had no choice but to leave. i knew it was only a matter of time..

it's a really good thing that i started to talk to strangers. if i hadn't, this whole 'homeless' thing would be a lot more difficult. i've worked full time off and on for most of my adult life, and been homeless for several long stretches spanning all of the seasons [especially winter], but this is my first time having all of the things at once. the environments are reversed, instead of being homeless outside and working inside, i now work outside and have somehow managed to find a few places that i can crash to cover each night of the week. so far.

that said, it's probably more of a challenge than it was working part time and living outdoors. because i pretty well need an indoor space in between my work days, i have to stash all of my belongings divided equally to correspond with where i am each night, where i'm working the next day, and what i'll need to do so. the biggest part of that of course is dealing with my rain gear. by the end of almost every shift, myself and all of my gear is soaked and full of mud so my top priority is getting clean and dry and ready for the next day. not being in the same place every night makes it difficult at times, especially since my two main crash sites are cities apart.

so is all my stuff. i mean, besides just my work gear... all of my belongings are now spread out over five different houses in four different cities in two different provinces, and a pickup truck. oh yeah, i bought a truck. with the sudden failure of my dwelling timing out with the sudden failure of my partner's vehicle, it made most sense to me to just buy a truck right away instead of waiting until spring. the original plan was to wait until the next time i go to ontario, buy a truck there, load it with all of my things and drive it back. i have to get my driver's permit updated before i can do all of that, at least now i have a vehicle to do my road test in when the time comes. that time being my layoff period, which is another factor in the game. soon enough i'll be floating without a source of income for any given amount of time, living on hope and a prayer once again.

and not because i'm 'homeless'... i am home.

now back to the headline. i was sitting on the drive next to my streetkid friend at one of his regular spots, as i have several times before for hours at a time, and for some reason this last time was the first time i noticed this giant sign [that's apparently been there forever] that reads "how do you define 'home'?" i was baffled. had it really been there the whole time? anyways.. home is where i'm at. it's my best friend's kitchen floor, it's under a hat, attached to some backpack straps, a forum on the internet, a particular park bench.

even when i had a place of my own, i've always essentially lived out of my backpack. only difference now, that backpack is a little heavier than when i had my own dwelling. i'm like a turtle, i carry my home around with me. sea turtle. just 'cause. that said, despite shit seeming utterly crazy from the outside, and there's far more insanity to the story than my living situation, i'm actually for the most part quite comfortable with the [potential] arrangement. unfortunately pretty well all of the people closest to me are suffering some sort of unfortunate living situation, tragedy or health malady. me too.. i gotta get myself fixed up soon. i'm no good to anyone else if i'm falling apart myself. all i want to do is help. and i am. me next. i gotta quit smoking, that's for absolute sure. one of my many 'home's is this vessel. i'd like to find a dwelling someday soon, it'd make improving my health a lot easier. in the meantime i have to figure out ways to start the process despite my situation.

anyhoo, the saga continues. december soon come..

...really?

wow.. it's been a month since i've hit this blog... well, i've been busy i suppose! getting ready to fly out to Arkansas [i won!], definitely more decisive [i'm moving!], and excited to plant some gardens!! not only do i have a bunch of different plots to help out with, i get to have my own.. the new place has a big ol' back yard, and i can do what i want to it. overjoyed..

what have i been up to? dang.. everything. i'm still on my get healthy venture, i managed to quit smoking, it's been 25 days! unbelievably, i don't want a cigarette. i'm on a mission, this is my year to get fit and kick ass, and i'm bloggin' it out right here:
http://sagethrivechallenge.blogspot.ca/

hmm.. then there's the gardening.. always about the gardening. at the beginning of the year i was under the impression that i wouldn't have my own garden space, but many people had offered up their yards. now we discover that we're moving to a place with a yard and i can garden all i want... and i still get to help others too! it's gonna be a busy year.. and i'm blogging that stuff here:
http://southernontariourbanpermaculture.blogspot.ca/

what else? oh yeah, i came up with a new style of 'gardening'... similar to guerrilla gardening but not quite the same.. more like hiding food plants right out in the open. i blended my two favourite hobbies, gardening and geocaching.. and came up with gardenCaching! and i'm excited to get on it.. and yup, you guessed it, it has it's own blog too:
 http://gardencaching.blogspot.ca/

well that's all i got for now.. i gotta get packing! only two more weekends before we move, and i've only just begun to go through my stuff. it's the perfect rainy weekend to do so, probably a blessing in disguise that the weather has been so cold. i'll stay inside to get my chores done, and save playing outside for may. peace for now..