Eastward bound

 I started to write this blog post a couple months ago. I haven't written since May. I knew big things were happening. I could feel the impending change.

Last time I wrote, my world was shaky. My job no longer secure- both for lack of materials, and the physical strength to install them. Realizing that I'm no longer physically capable of many job things I could do before was a blow to the psyche. I knew I'd have to figure something out. I didn't know that once I had decided I was done, the universe would align almost immediately.

It never looks good in the moment. It's always an intense, sudden uncomfortable event that kicks me into motion. Discomfort makes us move. It's necessary, the biggest motivator. I found myself at my breaking point. I had to make the hard decision to walk away from the life I'd built up but could no longer handle.

There were other factors at play in my decision. After years of struggling to convince my partner to take a little bit of the responsibility weight off my shoulders, it finally did me in. The constant stressors that came with our lifestyle falling mostly on me shortened my burnout time. I reached it rather quickly- and then decided to try and drag myself along anyways. Until that moment on that one fateful day.

Thanks to covid delays, like thousands of others, not all of our permits were up to date. We were stopped on a routine check and told we could no longer drive the van until it was dealt with. We still had a 4 month wait. There's no way.. it's not impossible but it's certainly not easy living in a semi remote community without driving. That was the last straw. That bit of weight shifted enough to tip the scale. Instead of feeling angry and upset, I felt relieved that the choice had been made easy. I got my sign.


A few days later I'd set the date. Seven years was a long time to be anywhere for me. I never realized how deeply I wanted this change. It seems like going backwards. But after this long, and maybe just in general.. sometimes you have to take a big step back to continue to move forward. And I don't feel the least bit upset about it.

Don't get me wrong, it was a wonderful thing to experience being out there. I made great friends, had a million beautiful experiences, I learned a lot of stuff about things, and of myself. But it was long past due for my departure. I had to balance getting rides to the city for work and shipping my life to the east coast for the remainder of my time out there. It's a blur. Most of it was left there with my intent to return. But that didn't exactly go the way we thought it would either.

Shortly after my departure, the impending disaster that was the farm quickly unfurled. As the heat continued to be outrageous and the fires socking the valley in with smoke, the well system on the farm finally failed. A month has passed, and with several failed attempts to make the repair, we were left with no choice but to disband the farm. All of the animals are in the process of being rehomed, and our materials moving to neighbouring homesteads.

My belongings are still in the farmhouse. The moment I left I had to mentally write it all off as though it burned up in the fires. In order to get my head around leaving everything out there, I made a plan for my return to deal with it. I might not get the chance before the premises are vacated. But that was the point of letting it go. Just in case. I'm hoping it will be safely stored up the road until the world settles down a minute about this covid shit. It would be an easy flight out and back to ship it homeward if it wasn't for that. Hindsight and whatnot. At least I thought to put it all together before I left..

So I'm here. There's still a pandemic happening through which my timing to switch provinces was pretty on point. It was about as 'open' as the country had been this whole time, and shit shut down again pretty quickly not long after. I'm trying to enjoy the blessings in the moment without being overtaken by worry and guilt about leaving the farm in the middle of everything.

I had help writing a resume for the first time in years and I'm starting over to find a job. Pretty well back to where I started. In a room in a basement in my hometown on foot. It's kind of crazy to think about after everything.. that said, it's somehow been the best summer. I really missed my people. My place.. the comfort of knowing no matter what, I'm safe. I just need a minute to rest here a little.

Change

 I'm not working today because there isn't any. This week more than half of our crew was let go. I was thrilled to survive the cut (and not at all surprised, I'm good at what I do). But when our foreman came to us at the end of the day yesterday and said there's no work for any of us, I became nervous for the first time in my construction work history. 

I always thought this would be secure. There's always new houses. More people. People need places to live. I would retire from this company many many years from now making fat money. I finally work for a company that truly cares for its people. I can take leave as long as I want, and come back like nothing happened. I finally have security. Or not..

Materials are becoming scarce. What usually takes a day or 2 to order is now on a several month back order, and 5x the original cost. Companies on our same site are going bankrupt. Work is grinding to a halt. I never thought this would happen, especially considering there wasn't a single day of shutdown in our field during the pandemic. I thanked my stars for being 'essential'.

This kind of makes planning ahead a little difficult. I'd just finished revamping my whole ass budget so I could afford a vehicle upgrade and a cross country road trip in the hopefully not too distant future. But now that future is looking more blurry than ever. Not gonna lie, I'm a little concerned. I take my time deciding these days, and it seems when I finally do, things change. The only constant in life, indeed. 

3-11

 March 11th 2020 was the day it hit me- this whole pandemic thing is really happening, we're gonna do this. It seems like yesterday, but at the same time, forever ago. I remember chill of hearing about schools and theaters and businesses closing their doors. I'm typically a very adaptable person and can go with the flow, and even I felt mildly threatened by this sudden upheaval. 

This was the day I'd finally gotten my energy back after being sick for over a month. I decided to attempt to restock our now decimated pantry which had been depleted by weeks of staying home sick, and weeks before of winter weather keeping us grounded. Walking the aisles I quickly became numb and anxious- even our hidden little grocer had been gutted for every bag of rice and pasta. Panic had stricken the population into buying up all the dry food, canned goods and paper products they could- for fear of being locked down or quarantined. Luckily for me, no one had touched the produce.

Speaking of produce- I guess I spoke too soon. I was also late making my seed order, and was shocked to find that many of my regular items were long out of stock (and many still are). It's equally as encouraging as it was frustrating. At least people are taking interest in growing food. I hope that's a trend that continues, and the supply catches up with demand for seeds.

It's not just the food gardens people are after.. land is another thing that's becoming even harder to find, and selling at a premium. People want more space for those gardens- and a greater distance from others. Green space, room to breathe. Maybe they always wanted it as much as I ever did. But it took this global event to present a moment of "awakening". For lots of folks. An exodus from the city is in full swing. Land is changing hands quickly.

...

I knew looking back over my media posts this past year would feel.. strange. 311 has been showing up. I've been showing up.. it feels so much like I told you so...

...


It's been a whole year. It's been the longest year ever, yet it's gone by so quickly. It's hard to believe that in this amount of time, everything happened that did. February 3rd 2020 I went to the BC Women's Hospital for an appointment at the endometriosis Clinic that I have been waiting for for so long, and I got sick. The sickest I've ever been. Which eventually landed me in the hospital by the end of March, and my life hasn't been the same since.

I have now been back to work for over a month, and I'm not sure how much longer I can handle the job that I'm doing. Despite having almost a year off to find medical help and healing, I wasn't quite able to find the help I needed. And I'm not quite done healing yet.


2021 has only just begun, and already I'm feeling the weight of the season. Our crops must be carefully planned. Our time must be carefully utilized. And it is absolutely critical to stay positive.

Sunday words

 I've been a little stuck for words lately. Particularly the written ones. Hell I can't even speak what's on my mind the way it appears. Sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't say a damn thing. I worry what'll happen if I do. But then.. what'll happen if I don't?

Anyways.

So 2021 eh. It's been interesting so far, I guess.. it's raining. Last day of January and it's only snowed that once since the solstice. I finally ran out of medical leave monies and had to go back to work last week. I ended up right back on the same site I left, 10 months before to the very day.

Not much has changed on the homefront since the farm sold. Did i mention that? A physician owns our farm. I mean, it's a lot more peaceful. Doctor farmer doesn't come around much in winter. He says we're nice people. We're only just doing what we do. Watch over the land, fix things when they break, make sure nothing gets taken. He's been here a few times. Bought a new tractor. Asks questions here and there. Drives here to pick up rent instead of me going all the way to the city. He's nice.


I'm still working on my health. It's not like I didn't already know I wasn't going to get any help with it. Pandemic or not, our medical system has no interest in healing chronic illness. Suppose I just felt I should go through the motions to further prove a point. Even doctor farmer says he goes to India when he needs medical help.. and he's a doctor!

I'm back where I started. Only I feel a little better for having let go of the notion that I could potentially find help outside of myself. For a minute there, I thought I'd wasted time taking leave, stressing about not being at work, having a nice long moment to myself. Alas, the time itself was what I needed, and would never have had otherwise. I had time to observe, notice subtleties and changes in my health depending on input and environment. I would have never in any other circumstances had so much time to just.. do that. Thanks, pandemic.


I'm not out of the woods yet. But I feel like I've begun to forge a path out of its darkest places. I know a long term fix won't be an easy one. I need to simultaneously make small but impactful steps on all facets of my health, not just the physical. I can't run this off, or diet it away. I'm also working on the headspace. And the spirit. A very slow and steady process.

Making very slow.... but steady progress.

I can do this. I mean, I have to, or I die slowly and uncomfortably for the rest of my life. I'm not into that. Happy suNday.

 

Switch

 I think it's safe to say that this year has been an Awakening in some form or another for many of us. For myself, experiencing a Health crisis amidst a pandemic certainly left me shook. Back in 2014 I was in the best health of my life. I promised myself then that I would never let myself fall into a state of dis-ease ever again. And here I am 6 years later, awash in a disarray of medical mystery. 

It took years of hard work and dedication to reclaim my health in my late twenties. Having diminished that almost completely by my mid-30s has left me mourning the loss of something that meant everything to me. Freedom from unnecessary daily suffering. I struggled my entire life with some autoimmune disorder or another, and for the most part I'd finally had them under control. I had found the will and desire to put in the effort to take the best care of myself that I could. I had shelter, a kitchen and a garden. I had learned to make do and thrive in an environment that was once killing me.

Then something happened. Well a bunch of things happened, a sudden change in my state of mind, my environment and my intention. I held onto the self care habits for as long as I could despite my situation, but somewhere along the way I lost the most important thing. My peace of mind.

I catch myself forgetting to breathe sometimes. Anxiety, guilt, depression.. internal things. Feelings I haven't dealt with following a series of traumas. And instead of addressing them, I've buried them in busi-ness and obsessive, damaging behaviours. I've been exporting my efforts into rearing animals and keeping gardens, yet failing to allow myself to fully benefit from the positive environment I'm attempting to create for myself. From the outside looking in, it appears that I should be healthy, but I'm not. I'm sick, and tired, and often and a great deal of pain.

I find myself mindlessly going through the motions of the day. Perhaps I have been stuck on autopilot more than I realized. I find that being more mindful in my actions and more specific in my intentions alleviates anxiety, but I have been forgetting to do this... I feel like I've spent this entire year just waiting for something. All the medical testing, sudden flare ups and fear of the unknown has me stuck in this vicious cycle of distracted inaction.

I'm taking a moment to recognize this, and to write it out as a reminder, and to share it for the sake of accountability. I owe myself better than my current experience. I deserve to enjoy the life that I have built up for myself without being stuck in the clutches of discomfort caused by a myriad of probably preventable health issues that could be avoided by diverting all of this stress. I need to flip the switch.


It's time to do better.

Essential.

I'm one of the "lucky" ones whose job is considered essential. A couple weeks ago, my health began to fail me as I realized I was in the throes of a terribly painful autoimmune flare. My entire innards are inflamed and bleeding. Wedging me firmly into the "at-risk" category, as if I wasn't there already. For a couple weeks before all this, I was conflicted.. thankful I still have a job to go to, and afraid to go to work.

Just as I was leaving the hospital, my doctor called me. She'd received the reports from my weekend stay and had to check in. I explained to her what was going on and said, maybe I shouldn't be going to work.. I could hear her stand up on the other end of the line as her voice changed, realizing I was still going in..

Stay. Home.

That is what's essential right now. To not go to work and let my body heal. It took me more than a bit to accept this. And even though I have mostly come to terms with it, I keep pushing myself to feel good enough to last a full shift on my feet and moving. Some days are better than others. I've had two days this past week that amount to spending 90% of my time in bed, feeling like garbage.

As it turns out, my staying on the homestead has become my essential role these days. It's been an unusually dry, sunny April which means the freshly seeded beds need to be watered several times a day. Given the current state of things, our ever important food gardens feel extra critical to produce this season. I'm hardly surprised anymore to go to the grocery and not find things like carrots or fresh greens.

Speaking of food availability, another item that's been harder to find these days is eggs. As luck would have it, a friend has the hookups with a local free range organic flock and we're able to source a case of eggs a week to disperse to our neighbours. Not for profits, just for the accompanying joy and sense of accomplishment that comes with knowing you can help someone even in a small way. The experience in doing so has been one that will stick with me for years to come.

I feel the most essential thing to address right now for many of us is our mental health. It's not every day that every facet of our lives is affected by a global pandemic, and the effects unseen can be the most damaging. I spent 2 weeks having panic attacks about still having to work, and harder panic attacks about my job situation possibly shutting down. My body forcing me into taking leave had me scared about getting employment insurance, and even now receiving the funds has come with it's own pile of stress. It's imperative both for my recovery and to make it though this mentally, that I learn to chill the fack out.

To all my essential and frontline working friends, my heart is with you. Thank you for keeping us safe and fed. To my homies working from home, I'm glad you are safe. Please take good care. To everyone caught in the vortex of uncertainty, don't forget- we're in this alone, together. Don't hesitate to reach out if you need a friend to talk to.