Change

 I'm not working today because there isn't any. This week more than half of our crew was let go. I was thrilled to survive the cut (and not at all surprised, I'm good at what I do). But when our foreman came to us at the end of the day yesterday and said there's no work for any of us, I became nervous for the first time in my construction work history. 

I always thought this would be secure. There's always new houses. More people. People need places to live. I would retire from this company many many years from now making fat money. I finally work for a company that truly cares for its people. I can take leave as long as I want, and come back like nothing happened. I finally have security. Or not..

Materials are becoming scarce. What usually takes a day or 2 to order is now on a several month back order, and 5x the original cost. Companies on our same site are going bankrupt. Work is grinding to a halt. I never thought this would happen, especially considering there wasn't a single day of shutdown in our field during the pandemic. I thanked my stars for being 'essential'.

This kind of makes planning ahead a little difficult. I'd just finished revamping my whole ass budget so I could afford a vehicle upgrade and a cross country road trip in the hopefully not too distant future. But now that future is looking more blurry than ever. Not gonna lie, I'm a little concerned. I take my time deciding these days, and it seems when I finally do, things change. The only constant in life, indeed. 

Taking Back Time.

I'm having a hard time with something, I always have. And I know I'm not the only one. I'm just gonna come right out and say it- 40 hour work weeks are bullshit. When we were indie contractors, we basically made our own schedule. We would work when the materials/ stages were ready, and if we finished earlier we'd leave early, still getting the flat rate that we had billed for the job. Our jobs were completed efficiently and on time, and we still had time for our lives. Every once in a while we'd have to do long days to get a project finished, but for the most part, worked on average 30 hours a week. Unfortunately as indie contractors, the work wasn't always guaranteed, so we decided to seek out a company to hire us as a team. 

When we were hired by this company, we did our first week like 'normal' workers. We tried the 8-8.5 hour work days, plus the drive, plus our home and farm chores. The company had a sample of our work ethic, and we had a taste of 40 hour weeks on top of our busy half way homesteading life. Then we had our official 'on the books' hiring meeting. We explained how we love the work, take pride in our work, but can't fit a 40 hour work week plus commute into our lifestyle. Much to our surprise, they were more than willing to work with us, given the quality of work we provide.

It's been over a year. We have it worked out to have every other Friday off. We work 7 hour days, and a four hour day evey other Friday. We're paid biweekly, so we'd work a half day, get our checks, do our banking, groceries and errands with the rest of our 'shift'. 28 and 32 averages to 30 hour weeks, or 60 hour pays. Because of tax brackets and whatnot, we only make roughly 60-80 less a week missing those 10 hours. Let that sink in for a minute..

When we worked 40 hour weeks, we were making 600 more a month combined. But! We had 40 hours *less* time a month. Divide that up, that's only an 'additional' 15 bucks an hour... COMBINED. that means those 'extra' 10 hours a week, we were only taking home an extra $7.50 an hour each because working more hours meant we were making more money- and thus had more deductions taken. Plus we save on fuel and miscellaneous spending that happens when we go to work. After all said and done, we're basically giving those extra 10 hours a week away for free. Going to work every day costs time *and* money.

And to what advantage? The company doesn't get any more or better quality work out of me. In fact, longer days means I'm more exhausted the next day and production slows down. It's an observable fact that we as 30 hour a week workers get more done than the "full timers". The company benefits by getting the same or more and better quality work without having to pay for more hours. We get more hours a week to live our lives. Win, win.

There's 168 hours in a week. I spend roughly 50 hours a week sleeping or resting, that leaves 118. My 30 hours working, so 88 left. 13 hours average commuting takes us down to 75. 30 hours a week on farm chores, 25 left.. so if we were working 40 hour weeks, we would have 15 hours a WEEK of idle time. That's it. That's for extra projects, reading, shopping for stuff we need, volunteering, going for a walk, spending quality time together and with our animals, friends and family, leisure activities.. life outside of work. Real, life.

No....

No. That's not enough. This is our life we're talking about here, and we should really consider living life before we're too old to do anything about it..


I understand that it's my choice to have 30 hours a week of farm chores, gardening, working at home. But some people work two jobs to get that food, or to be able to afford various lifestyle choices. I choose to grow my food, and live this life. That's the kind of 'work' I'd rather do to keep myself fed. I'm not at all saying that my way is the right way, and everyone should work less so they can stay home and grow food. I realize that's not possible for everyone. What I'm saying is, I feel that we truly undervalue our time on this earth. And not just monetarily. Our hourly wages, is that really all we're worth?

Someone, somewhere at some point in time set this standard of living that many of us in this current societal structure have adhered to. I think it's about time that we reevaluate these standards as individuals. What do we really need in our lives? What are we paying money (and thus time) for that really doesn't benefit us? Is there some way we can shift our energy to be put into something more self-fulfilling instead of selling the best of ourselves to someone else and not getting an appropriate return? What can I do or create that I can use myself or sell/ barter/ trade for what I do need?

This is just the beginning for me. As my lifestyle shifts to one more rooted in nature, I am exploring more opportunities to be self-sufficient. I am working to shift to a more home-based means of accumulating income, and less of a need for one. When I envision 'retirement', I'm not old, leaving a company I've given my best years to, settling down and waiting to die. For me, retiring will be when my own life and how I live it provides enough abundance to no longer need to hit a punch clock on someone else's dream. The following 'meme' is basically a summation of what I'm getting at..

"My goal is to build a life
I don't need a vacation from"

That is essentially it. No one is saying anything about not having to work. A productive life will always require work. My goal is to get to a point where I only have to attend a "regular day job" enough to cover basic bills, and have the time I need to build, grow, seek and trade for the things I need myself. Put the effort, and time and hard work into my life, the land on which I live, and my community. For now, it is what it is. Slowly buy truly, we're taking back our time.

Flux

April and October are equally my favourite months. Spring and Autumn, life and death, rise and fall. Intensity of the tumultuous spaces between Equinoxes and Solstices. The seasons in which you may require an umbrella, a parka, sunglasses and a tshirt in the same day. I never really thought so deeply about why that is before. I always thought because I'm born in April, and October is it's calendrical opposite. Is that a word? It is now..

I'm addicted to change. Hooked on the tides.. the moon has me wrapped around her finger. I've been that way my whole life. Hence the vagabond lifestyle. I spent almost a decade rotating my location depending on the seasons. Working a job that I could take leave from for months at a time to do something different.

I never thought I'd pull off the whole setting down "roots" thing. But having a foundation has turned out to be a little different than I initially percieved it to be- perhaps due to my transient nature.

It's not like one big taproot that's anchoring me firmly in place, it's more like widespread reaching root systems that can survive if sections of them are severed. Like tubers, or multiplier bulbs. I'm finding that I feel much more secure this way, yet if ever I can't stay in one place, there's always plan b. Or c.. but they're all connected to the tree that is me.

This moon did not disappoint. It was every bit of flux that I come to expect from this time of year. The bit of mystery and uncertainty and change that makes the experience exciting and challenging and keeps me on my toes.

Last October was epic on the scale of change in my personal and professional life, as well as spiritual. April seems to be following up with the intensifying ripples of the changes set in motion. It's almost too much to drink in..

That's all I have to say for now. I probably could be more vague, but it's the point that matters.. 

Juneuary.. and sorta summer.

I can't even.. it's been almost two months since I've had a chance to write. June was.. strange. Cold. Like.. unusually cold. And rainy. Not that I'm complaining, but It's been an interesting season for the crops. My bro came to visit pretty well a month exactly after my folks had come and gone. The farm has been busy, work has been busy. Even our sworn 'church days' aka Garden Sundays have been infiltrated by laborious tasks when usually we try to stay home in the garden to enjoy nature's bounty.. and catch up from the week.

Three weeks into June we were thrown a bit of a curve ball. StarShip Delilah died on the side of the highway, luckily just off our road.. close enough to slowly limp her home. I wasn't ready for her to die on all levels. I had become attached to that little blue vessel. We were put out for a week in the process of finding her a replacement. Given that we had zero cash saved, and made it by on the gracious help from family and associates, we are now back on the road. Playing catch-up in the busy season though, has proven to be all kinds of exhausting.

All kinds. So effin tired.

I feel a little bit like we've bitten off more than we can chew. I'm up at 5am [well, if I can drag my arse out of bed that quick], and we might be lucky to take our work boots off at ten. We work metal in the daytime, farming in the evenings, and market on the weekends- and a landscaping gig whenever I can fit it in. I cheat and drive barefoot just to enjoy those moments of freedom from being shod. But besides that, my available time for self-care has been reduced to brushing my teeth while I'm taking my morning.. well, you know. I just can't bloody well find the time. And I'm suffering profusely for it. I did it to myself, though.. I did promise myself I'd find things to do. Now if I could just manage my time.

Between my autoimmune disorder dropping my thyroid into first gear, adrenal fatigue, the weight gain that comes with it, and the heat.. I'm just spent. Sleep is elusive yet I struggle to stay awake. Anxiety cranked to max, especially when city is involved. Something has to give. One thing I'd like to do less of, is spend all my time leaving our little town to go work for money that we wouldn't need so much if we didn't have to go to the city for work. Such a catch 22.

To gain a bit of balance, catch up on home and farm work, and spend a little less time on the road, we have decided that starting this week- Wednesdays are farm days. Be it here on the homestead, on one of our other sites, or down at the shop... we need more time to do our own things. Hopefully this will help to break up the week for me so that I can start to get my health back in order as well.

The goats are doing awesome. They are my joy, and our mascots on the farm. I never would have imagined they'd be so easy to train, and so well adapted to our space in such a short time. Which is good.. because the rabbits have proven to be a lot of work. It's still worth it for my partner to have healthy organic meat, but we need to work on tightening our system of caring for them so that it is far less time consuming. We're about half way there.

It's been a strange season for the gardens. Everything fruit finished early, and our vegetables are struggling to catch up. The heat this past couple weeks is pushing them finally.. I can't even wait to bite into my first vine ripened homegrown tomato. I swear I dream about it..
 
That's about all I've got for now. One of these days I'll have a moment to sit and write about it. About all the strange happenings and coincidences, the new opportunities that have shown up as if we had called them into existence ourselves, and all the weirdness in between. But for now it's Sunday, and I have a little more enjoying of that to do before we get back to business.

Thoughts become reality- never stop dreaming.

If someone told me 5 years ago that in five years I'd be building a microfarm in beautiful rural BC, living in a tiny home, writing my own schedule, and actually driving, I would have said something like 'in my dreams'. Because it's true.. 5 years ago those were the kinds of things I was dreaming of.

I had no idea how I'd get there, all I knew is that is what I wanted. As time went on, unexpected events occured. Not all of them were 'good'. Some of them broke me down to the point I wasn't sure I'd get up again, but I did. Big losses, reaching a dead end in a 'career path', devastating realizations, dissolving relationships.. Instead of letting negative experiences of loss scare me into a corner, I allowed them to be gateways into positive change.

Visualization is key in manifestation.. and I've always had a pretty keen imagination. It seems as though these visualizations left a cookie crumb trail [in a roundabout way] to get me to where I'm at, but it was up to me to pick up on it. It was my responsibility to act.

Moving to BC [and throwing down roots] was never an immediate option for me. It was always more of an 'early retirement' plan. But it was there. I could never bring myself to uproot, and plant so far away from my mother. She suffered a long time with degenerative dis-ease, and I couldn't bring myself to leave [except to travel]. She lived my journeys vicariously through me and it brought her great joy.

Losing her suddenly was for many years a possibility, but I certainly didn't see it coming when it did. She was doing well, feeling better, and for the first time in a long time, smiling and happy. I was just about finished building her an epic little microfarm that she could visit and enjoy. It was a shock that slipped me into a downward spiral.

I too had been feeling better, I worked hard to get myself in the best shape of my life, and I had a home after a long stint of vagabonding, couch crashing and room renting. Life was pretty good, I felt 'settled'. Well, mostly. I still had dreams.. After she passed, I felt that my purpose had shifted. Many other things ended for me in the following few months. A few not-so-ideal changes in the company that I had been with for over a decade sparked my sudden retirement from the industry.

Lost and feeling unsure of what to do next, I sat in that garden. For days.. weeks. I set up my tent and slept in it. I allowed everything around me to just be. In my silence, a concerned friend reached out. I was offered some couch space.. in Vancouver BC. I agreed that I could use the vacation, and accepted. I spent the end of that summer moving my things into a storage locker. Then had an epic greyhound journey west.

From there, I cycled through a few temporary housing solutions while changing up my career objective. Whether I was planning to stay in Vancouver or I was just visiting was yet to be determined but one thing was for sure. If I was gonna stay a while, I needed to make money. After a few temp roles doing random shit I found myself working two jobs back and forth [and all at once]. Home and Garden stores, and landscaping.

Somewhere in there, I found myself living in a truck in the woods, then a tent, then a couch- then a trailer.. while I continued to do all of those things. Handling building materials and maintaining a garden center inspired dreams of building things, having a home and planting a garden. But living the way that I was worked me into isolation and exhaustion. At about that point, I'd met someone who had ended up in the same situation, but had just as large ambitions to get ahead.. to get back to living deliberately.

We collaborated on our dreams and discussed them out loud. We started reading books and watching shows and looking on the Craigslist. Tiny homes and living simply. In the searching and reading and dreaming I stumbled upon an ad for a little farm cabin for rent in the valley.. a few months after he had happened upon the ad that found us a sweet deal on some wheels.
 

Fast forward to today.. we've been out here over a year. We're in a tiny home, although it is rented, it has given us ideas (and space!) to build one of our own, eventually. We are about to plant for the second year on our microfarm, and I'm now writing my own schedule by getting contract work instead of typical scheduled 40 hour work weeks.

Once I had realized that I'd arrived at the threshold of my dreams becoming reality, I kept dreaming.. I began visualizing things that would improve our quality of life. Imagining other ways we could become more self- sufficient. Making more lists...

It almost seems like a snowball effect of my thoughts becoming my reality. Once I'd seen it happening, my faith in possibilities grew, which opened up my mind to even bigger possibilities.

Upon moving here, the land owner was very strict on his 'pet' policy. He doesn't want any animals in the house. We'd asked one time before how he'd felt about us keeping rabbits, but he never really gave an answer.

He summoned us to the big farm last weekend to help with a project, and when we were done, J asked why it was that he didn't want us having animals. Once he'd learned that we intended to keep them outside the house, and mostly wished to have them to help us clear and maintain the land, he agreed to let us have livestock. I couldn't believe it, I'm still in shock! I thought for sure my dream of having goats was one I had tucked away for further in the future. Now all I have to do is build them a home..

...

Never stop dreaming.

- once you've achieved your goal or arrived to your dream situation, don't let that be the end! Expand on your dreams.. there's always room for improvement!

- Make a list! Listing goals, to-dos, and things you want or need is a great way to jumpstart visualization. You have to see it happen to make it happen!

...

Thanks so much for reading and following. This is part two of a blog series I'm writing about thoughts becoming reality. I was inspired to write this based on many social media comments from friends and family saying that I'm 'living the dream'. I am, I'm living my dream. And I believe this is how I got here. There were many unexpected turns along the way, and a good number of 'why me' moments that came full circle to an eventual 'oh, that's why'.

I can't promise anything, but I'm sharing because I believe that there has been more than luck and good timing involved in my dreams becoming my reality. I truly believe that mindset shapes our reality. That's why 'waking on the wrong side of the bed' leads to a shitty day. That's how many athletes win competitions over and again. Visualization is a powerful tool, and mindset is half the battle!


xo

Yet still hopeful..

I should be overwhelmed with anxiety right about now.. I just can't let it eat at my brain anymore. Looking back over the past few years of blog posts I noticed a couple of things. One, there is a fairly consistent pattern of ups and downs, and second.. I wish I wrote more. And thirdly, I seem to have predicted every change somehow. Could have been keen sense or lucky guesses, who knows.

Right now, I'm blank.. it's hard to say which way this will go. Since being a subcontractor work has never been so slow. There was so much work this summer we were turning jobs down.. even last year at this time we were swamped. This season was a killer combo. We lost one big contract that would have held us over all winter as it was postponed. Then the next one we got we lost money on HUGE. And now we've been waiting two weeks for a job that was due to start mid November.. today was supposed to finally be the day we begin. And nothing. 

*sigh*

There's one week til Xmas, and we were hoping to be able to spoil my partner's kids a little. Last year was rough for both of us but we managed to pull something together. This year we're praying just to make it through. Thankfully we'd hoarded most of the recycling we accumulated this year in the shed, and made two trips to town to cash it in.. 160 bucks in cans and drink containers. We were able to get a couple bags of produce and a tank of gas, with a few bucks to stash for emergency. 

But that, unfortunately, won't cover the rent. Or the hydro, or insurance.. Or any of the other crap that ties me in. 12 days till the end of the month and I'm praying for a miracle. We've thankfully found a few day jobs to keep us afloat but nothing major. This isn't the way I'd expected things to go, but then again, it's my life which is nothing short of unpredictable. 

The past week or so I've felt so guilty that we might lose out on this place that I've barely been able to leave it. With any bit of rain (and there's been lots) I hide inside as if to savour the roof over my head keeping me dry instead of bothering to venture out from under it. I've been using this as an excuse in my mind to sit inside.. pondering if perhaps we should be using up what's left of our food stores as to not waste it in the case that we might have to pack up and live in the van.

...

I can't foresee- after everything that's happened to get me where I'm at- that this is all over. I refuse to pack it in, I'm not giving up. Something must give. We will find the miracle contract. We will make the rent. Our little farm will live on.. somehow.

I finally got up out of my puddle of depression and went for a walk this morning. I reveled in the mystical beauty of the rainclouds dancing around the mountaintops threatening to snow. I stood in awe of the massive eagles and heron as they effortlessly sailed between the trees right beside me and the mountains way off in the distance. I took many deep breaths while I watched the ducks bob about in the water.

Something happens when suddenly everything is under threat of being lost or ending. Reality seems more real. Food has flavour that floods in memories. The feel of rain on the skin, the smell of the air... Moments seem to drag on for eternity. There's a quiet and a stillness that is peaceful inside the chaos. Time stops.

And then it catches up with you..

...

Tomorrow is a new day. Today, I'm hopeful.

December already..

11 months now I've had this lovely little house to call home... and I'm stressing every day trying to rustle up enough dough to keep it going. This time last year we had more work than we did time, and now we've been searching for weeks to pick up new contracts with no luck.

Don't get me wrong, I love having time off from work, it just came a little unexpectedly and we weren't financially ready. I'm so thankful that we invested in a big chest freezer to keep our summer garden goodies in, our produce stash along with a giant bag of rice has kept us going. We Also stocked up on flour and various other baking ingredients, so if we can't scrounge enough money for fuel to get to town, at least we have a somewhat full pantry for a while.

The bit of extra time just happened to coincide with the eagles returning to the valley. And an ankle sprain.. So the past couple weeks I've been slowly rolling up and down my road with my hazards on, a foot on the brake and a lens to my face with the driver's door open. Anywhere else but here you'd def get looks for that, but I live on a dead end road out in the country. And right now, it's eagle country. There's plenty of people rolling around with cameras pulling over at random to get the shot.

Unfortunately, a storm took out our greenhouse a couple weeks ago. This on top of the sprain and being out of work really got me down. We ended up having our first frost the other day, which means the crops that were inside the greenhouse are pretty much toast. I've decided to keep a little green in my life this winter by adopting some houseplants. I even found a perfect mini lemon cypress to stand in as our Christmas tree. It's so cute!

So in summation, lots of ups and downs this season. My ankle is starting to heal, so I'm doing my best to get back on my daily ten thousand steps. I'm hopeful that work will pick back up again soon, and our home will be saved for the winter.

As always, thanks to all my amazing friends, fams and fans that have kept in touch and kept my spirits up. It gets a little lonely out here at times, but man is it lovely. If I don't write again before then, I wish you all a merry ho ho.. and bring on 2018!


Xo 

October Love.

It's my favourite month of my favourite season, and this may be my favourite October yet. Rainbows, sunflowers, pumpkins and sunsets. I'm sitting in my living room, surrounded in Home. Pumpkins piled around my plants by the window [and on the porch, and everywhere], produce boxes filled with garden treasures, sunflower seeds drying in their trays, cedar, sage, lavender and mint.. and sweet views out my windows.

Which totally makes up for the chaos that my work life has become. Contractor life is very unpredictable at times. Some jobs are nice money makers, others are a near complete loss. We never really know when we'll be paid, so having the garden [and preserving it's goods] has really saved us through. I hope I never have to go another season without a garden. I'm getting good at my new trade, but still I dream of one day making a full-time gig of growing food.

So yeah, about them rainbows.. there's been one [or a few] every day this past week. The weather patterns out here this time of year make them a common occurrence. Cool mornings, a little sun in the afternoon and rain in the evening. The sun sneaks below the rainclouds for a final peek before setting, creating these beautiful rainbows and blazing sunsets. It's just incredible, I feel so blessed to be here to witness it all. This is our first Autumn in the valley, and I'd been looking forward to it.

And the sunflowers! This was my first time having a plot to plant them since Ontario [besides an attempt in a bucket on a balcony], and they grew to be giants here. The seeds I've been carrying since I'd planted the first handful [unknowingly] on the day my mother had passed. these were the last of that crop, and now I can save the seeds from these ones and continue on with the strain.

The best seeds from the biggest flowers will be kept for next season. The rest, delicious snacks! The seeds from this mammoth are big enough to cover my thumbnail. I'm hoping by spring we can find a place to plant a bit of a sunflower field. They do well enough on their own, and love arid conditions, so there may be a seed-bombing in our near-ish future.

And these pumpkins.. It's pretty safe to say I'm obsessed. I love growing them, and looking at them, I love their smell and colour and texture, I love pumpkin pie it's my absolute favourite! And soup and roasted pumpkin seeds too. So next year, more pumpkins. Their patch must be updated, as this year's attempt was a last minute one. They need better soil and more space to grow.

In the spring we plan to turn, amend, and hopefully mulch their entire bed. This year we just dug little circles to plant the seeds and let the vines sprawl around through the grass, but as soon as they became too big to trim between, the grass took over. Next time they'll have much more space. And we'll likely have many more varieties. I love our little microfarm.

...

This year out here in the valley changed my life. It made me realize that dreams can and do come true. That some chances, though scary, are worth taking. That a vagabond can find a home. And that perseverance pays off. Once I had finally begun to find my footings out here on the west coast, it was a huge risk to move out to the country. I didn't know if I could keep working the jobs I'd had once I moved, or if I'd find other work if i couldn't. But I moved out anyways.

And I did have to quit both my jobs. And I did find other work, doing something I'd never thought I would get into. So here I am, in my dream place, making it happen. It feels damn good.

The only thing missing is my [friends and] family. I have made new friends out here, but it's this time of year I really miss everyone back home. Even when I spent months wandering with a rucksack on my back wherever I could make it to, I always made a point to make it home for the holidays.

No matter where I've ended up, it's always been in the back of my head that if things don't go well, I can always go home and start again. But I never really pondered what would happen if things did go well. I suppose I wasn't expecting to last this long out here without returning to my homelands for more than just a visit. I guess I never really thought about how it might feel to be so far away from everyone when they're gathered for a legendary turkey dinner, and I'm out here contemplating what I'm going to do with a holiday Monday.

Probably load up the boat and go fishing. My new BC holiday tradition.

...

That garden tho. Seriously. It's hard to worry about anything too much when I'm standing there overlooking my edible landscape masterpiece, admiring a mountain sunset. Knowing that I've found my place, land that I can grow on, and a community I can thrive within. It's hard to miss a place I love but can't stand to live in, when I'm in a place like this.

I'm so thankful for every minute of it.

That said, if you're reading this, Happy Thanksgiver. Please know that even though I can't be close to you, you're always in my thoughts. They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I believe that to be true. Not that I didn't love you all before, but being so far away for so long, I've learned a whole different appreciation for the important people in my life. I'm thankful to have you in my life. My friends and family [same diff amirite?] are my lifeline and I know I wouldn't still be here if i didn't have your love and support. Cheers to you this turkey day, and every day. All the love.


xo

Just when you think it's alright...

Suddenly, it isn't. I mean it's not the end of the world or anything, it just feels like it in this moment. I suppose it's a good thing I have a hard time getting comfortable in life situations, because in a moment (especially when you least expect it), everything can change.

Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me, but sometimes it saves my ass. It's too soon to tell which way things will go, but I'm doing what I can right now to be ready for anything.

As I was saying the last time I wrote, this past year has been one of the best in my life. I've made so much progress on a personal level, overcoming my fear of driving, building on a career learning a new trade, and finally establishing a real home base. Having a partner at my side through it all that doesn't give up is a real plus. It all seemed 'too good to be true'. Maybe I was right.

But maybe it's just a bump in the road. Maybe we'll get it all sorted out. Maybe we can find work in time before we lose out on our place. The feeling of potential imminent loss has made me realize how much I truly do appreciate where I've gotten. But isn't that always how it goes.

...

We took a chance venturing out on our own as subcontractors in a trade that's greatly sought after. We had so much work, we hadn't taken a weekend in months. We were exhausted, but finally getting to a point where we could get ahead. A couple more weeks of plugging away, and we'd afford our vacation.

When we showed up for work a couple days ago, there was no material on site. When it finally arrived, so did a cheaper, inexperienced crew to install it. Which was all fine and good, as we were about to jump ship for another company that offered us full time work and an array of new tools. As we'd prepared to do so, we learned that it's not an option until spring.

So here we sit, broke and confused. What just happened? How did we go from too much work to no work at all? Is this because I asked for a day off?! Be careful what you wish for, I suppose.

...

With little else to do but think, we chose not to. We took to the lakes and rivers to calm our minds. We paced the garden picking produce from the vines. This morning I spent making calls out for potential work, with no leads as of yet. And now I sit here folding laundry, catching up on chores around the house we've been too busy working to get around to, wondering what the hell we're gonna do to keep it all. Or what the next step might be if we can't.

I'm prepared for the possibility that I could end up on this journey on my own, once again. But I'm hopeful that won't be the case. Flying solo has its advantages, but happiness is so much better when it's shared. Struggles are a little easier too. Just in case, my anxious mind is listing what to do if everything falls through.

Looking around the house, I'm taking inventory of all the things I need to keep, stuff we can get rid of, and what all could go to storage if need be. Preparing myself to once again be mobile, living in my van. Mapping out the towns that might be best to bum around in.

...


It's been a long day. I ended up at the beach, in the quiet. No sound but the waves of the approaching tide. The sun is setting and the heat of the day finally wanes. I'm thankful for these places I can tuck myself away. I'm glad that despite my ever changing situation I can find peace in the chaos. I'm grateful for all that I have, if only for today.


x

The valley under ice.

Just days after the valley was slammed with an epic snowstorm, the temperature rose as the next system rolled in. Snow turned to rain, but the windchill froze everything on contact. We woke up blanketed in a sheet of ice. We made an attempt to get out of the driveway, only making it to the next property over before having to turn around. With all the ice, snow and slush on the road, gaining traction was impossible.

Shortly after noon, as we'd suspected might happen, the power went out. Our area was one of two hundred other outages across BC leaving tens of thousands of people in the dark. Thankfully I'd just finished my baking for the day, so I had some fresh made snacks to load up in my pack.

With not much else to do, I decided to go for a walk. The rain had subsided for long enough that I could bring my camera out and capture some of the epic scenes left behind by the storm. And meet some of our neighbours in the process.

A couple houses down, one of our neighbours with the farm tractor (the one that dug us out before) was clearing the driveway for the old man at the wood shop. I had a chance to say hello. The old fella struck up a conversation and noticed my camera, and invited me onto his property to get some shots.

He commented on the sheet of ice that coated the barn reflecting the daylight, and insisted I take a shot. He has dozens of bird houses that were strung with icicles all over the yard. Old machinery equipment and a canoe hanging outside his shop looked as though they had been frozen for decades.

As he pulled the door to the wood shop open I felt a pulse of warm air hit me. He had the wood burning stove pumping and it felt nice to be warm. He showed me around, and he had a few customer orders sitting up on tables ready to be stained. There's a local native woman that paints beautiful scenery, wildlife and folk art on panels of wood which he then inlays in his hand made hope chests. Their work is sold to locals in the valley.

After telling me a few stories and showing me every piece of work in the shop and all the types of cedar he uses, he showed me out of the shop. He said if I ever had nothing to do again, I was welcome back any time. I told him I'd be back some day with prints for him.

As I carried on down the road I was joined by an old black lab that lived on the horse farm. She led me down the gravel path looking back every so often as if to make sure I was safe. I stopped a few times to hear the trees splitting under the weight of the ice, sounding off like thunder as the branches and tree tops crashed to the ground. Ice bombs began to fall off the wires above. I'd have to tread carefully for the next mile where several giant trees lined the road along the river.

I made it to the middle of a long stretch of trees when I suddenly heard the cracking right above me. I tucked my camera into my jacket quickly and ran for it. Smash! I looked back to see a huge branch shattered to bits on the road right where I was standing. I thought to myself, now I've done a lot of crazy things to get a good shot, but this might just be up there amongst the most dangerous. My heart was pounding, and I kept on going.

Finally I crossed the bridge over the creek where the old man with the scrap yard was shoveling his driveway. I wasn't expecting him to say hello when I waved, but much to my surprise, we ended up chatting for an hour. I've passed him a few times driving by and I always wave, and he never seems very eager to interact, so I was pretty stoked about our conversation.

After our long talk and the show around the yard of his massive inventory of trucks and parts, I was on my way again. I'd just made it to the end of my road when the plow turned down. I jumped out of the way with an enthusiastic wave, we'd finally be dug out of the mess! Moments after I'd sent a text home warning of the incoming plow, I got one back saying the power had been restored. I took a few more shots and turned back.

Just in time too, when I was about a hundred meters from the house the wind picked up again knocking down all the ice. More rain blew in, and in less than an hour there was no evidence that our world had been coated in ice. I was thankful that I'd made it out for my walk when I did, had I not gone I'd have missed out on a photo opportunity of a lifetime. We don't often get weather like this here, and the conversations I had along the way made it an amazing journey.

Today the sun is out, and the air smells like spring is on the way. I'm so thankful that our roads will be safe again and all the snow is melting, as beautiful as it was. The adventure continues...

December.

I've written and backspaced the first paragraph of this post probably a dozen times by now. It's hard. That's about all I can say. December is a hard month for many, for so many reasons. And it's almost over, thank the gods. I didn't think I'd make it through without a complete meltdown, but I'm lucky to have understanding friends and family, and a solid partner at my side. Even as the west coast saw it's first actual winter in several years, I managed to keep it together while everyone's world was seemingly ending, under a blanket of ice and snow. Once you get out on the roads, you can really tell who's from the east coast. We spent Christmas day helping push people out of the snow, and taking on mini winter rescue missions while on our fishing trip.

2016 flew by so fast, I didn't have a moment to panic despite how absolutely crazy, turbulent and ever-changing it has been. Pain, joy, loss, celebration. A balance of extremes. Connections and deaths so unexpected. Lessons learned that I wasn't even aware were in the program. I could have never imagined in January where I'd have ended up twelve months later. Sitting on the stairs of an unfinished basement, awaiting further instruction on how to assemble the section of duct I'm working on, with all the required takeoffs spaced appropriately to accommodate the necessary heat runs.. HVAC. Who knew I'd get into sheet metal. Not me..

Then again, most of this year took me by surprise. What else is new, I guess. Life is an adventure. Expect the unexpected, and all that.

Most of last winter was spent living with my good friend and his dog in a pickup truck in the woods. No running water, no cell service, no power but the truck battery, no heat besides the fire. I spent most of the season laid off with the occasional day of gardening, and eventually found a temporary greenhouse job at a hardware store in the city. Nights were long and cold, but thankfully never lonely.

Spring meant more work for me. My friend and I had to part ways so that I could be closer to the city. I set out with my tent, moved my gear into a storage locker, and worked nearly 7 days a week to get caught up. Between two jobs, one of them with horribly long hours, I burnt out after a few quick months. I was lucky enough to find a couch to crash, and find better work before summer rolled around.

Shortly after turning thirty-one, I met someone whose lifestyle inspired me to change my own. I finally acquired a BC driver's license, and swore off working weekends. Weekends are for adventure, for fun, for church, aka nature. I spent every weekend of the spring camping, traveling, venturing out on the water, and making new friends. My connection with that particular individual ended abruptly, and shortly thereafter, I made an unexpected journey home.

One of my closest friends, a brother so to speak, passed away suddenly in late June. The thought of his passing is still difficult to conceive. The journey home stirred my mind and my spirit on so many levels. I nearly stayed. I miss my friends, my family.. [which extends far beyond any blood-line]. Returning west was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make, but I had a feeling the coast wasn't done with me yet. For now the only cure for my anxiety lies up in the mountains, and along these river banks.

I went back to work until it broke me. My partner [who I thankfully met along the way] finally convinced me to stop working a job that was slowly killing me, and instead, work towards my freedom. We bought a vehicle so that I could find my own direction. I found some contract work that I could schedule around my existing life, and rode it out until I found something even better. Trades.

And so begins another new chapter of my life. One completely unlike any other, and I have no idea how it's gonna go. No pre-determined schedules, no guaranteed paychecks, long-term contracts, everything is day-to-day. Just playing it as it comes. This spring the challenge will be to keep steady work rolling in, find an actual place to live, and start planning for the future. Finding a plot to build a garden would be nice, it's been too long.

While I'm at it, I'll take this opportunity to call myself out one last time this year.. with my focus being scattered all over the map [literally], I've completely lost track of my own physical health. Though I have a better grasp of my mental health now than I have in a few years, my body is suffering. I finally managed this past week to ditch the cigarettes, after who knows how many attempts, and the rest of it is to come. No more crap. Don't need any more junk in my trunk, if you know what I'm saying. Time to offload those pounds I found again that I'd once worked so bloody hard to get rid of. Bring it on 2017, I'm ready.


xo

change- the only constant. [part.1]

I know I've said it a million times... be careful what you wish for, it might just happen. A couple posts ago I was complaining about how my commercial landscaping gig is killing me, and that I should be looking for something else to fill up my work week. That day I'd ended up taking off to go to the doctor as the heat was overwhelming, I was having a hard time recovering after each day out in the field. The following Monday it had finally cooled off. I had come to terms with my job situation and decided that I'd stick it out, considering there's only 6 weeks out of the year that the heat is unbearable. I'd just find ways to cope and carry on.

My boss and I were raking up at the end of the day, and we were talking about our health situations. She's been dealing with some issues for a long time and had told me back when I was first hired that she was going to grow the company and hire more labourers so that she could get out of the field in the next few years. A visit to her specialist threw a wrench in her plans. The state of her health is declining so rapidly that she was advised to stop working in the field ASAP as it's doing further damage. She can't stand the idea of sitting in an office, so she decided that this is it, this year will be the last season before she sells it off. So regardless of my decision to stick it out, I'll be finding other means of making money come the end of the year.

We discussed other ways to rack up some loot. She was considering getting back out on the road to chase forest fires and collect the mushrooms that come to follow. Or pinecone collecting, recycling, anything to make money on one's own time. She was throwing all these ideas at me and telling me that I should consider doing the same thing. Otherwise I'll end up like her, breaking myself to make a bit of cash. Living paycheck to paycheck simply isn't worth the damage that this line of work does to your body over time. I've got to figure it out.. there's two more months til the end of the season then I'm on my own. Again.

This is my 6th job in two years. I know I said I was retired and all when I left Ontario, but money needs to be made. I suppose I was simply retiring from the monotony of city living, from being employed by the same company for over a decade. Retiring from the idea that one needs a long standing steady career to get by in this life. I've already been living an unconventional lifestyle for years, so I may as well come up with some unconventional ways to make money. What to do, what to do.. I'm brainstorming ideas for this coming spring.

Some people find security in the idea of having a long term career to retire from, a pension, a mortgage or a lease.. I've never felt very secure in those kinds of situations. Every time I try to conform to that sort of lifestyle, I lose my shit. I feel far more comfortable and secure in the idea of being free to go with the flow. Change with the seasons, move on to wherever I need to be. It's not always easy to keep up to a pre-determined work schedule based on someone else's time when you don't know where you'll be crashing or camping out from one day to the next, or how the weather will be and what gear you'll need ahead of time. It's time to convert the money-making part of my life to match the living situation. Permanence in transience. The only constant is change.

truck life

it ain't all that bad. i bought a truck a few months back fully anticipating having no place to be, and i'm glad. as of today, the place i've been couch surfing is no longer an available option, so we're preparing [Sally] to be lived in. we already kinda do for how much time we spend on the road, it'll be a pretty easy transition. the camping gear is out of storage and tucked away in a tote under the canopy, with the tool box and emergency kit. my truck mate and I took the vacuum to her to get all the cedar needles and dog fur  [which i'm sure will accumulate again in no time] and organized the cab for maximum sleeping space. 

perfect timing too. i start my new garden centre job this week, apparently it's against my karma somehow to have a job and a roof over my head at the same time. i have to laugh.. at least i'll have a locker at work to keep a few things i need. 

finally got the blogger app to work on my phone too. no more excuses not to write i suppose. besides finding free wifi. it's around.

our Sunday drive, or church as i like to call it, turned into a two day boot into the Rockies. the journey served both as a spiritual and therapeutic retreat to prepare for the upcoming challenges of living in a truck, whilst maintaining an active role in society, and my mental health.. i wrote a bit about that in my last post [which i'd link if i could, but mobile app].

i do feel significantly less anxious, and sleeping a little better than before which will surely help me through. for whatever reason i tend to find a sense of comfort having fewer attachments at the moment. i know when the time comes to live in a more standard dwelling, i'll have a greater appreciation for it, as i usually do after spending several months floating around. March will be month five. 

it'll be interesting to see how this week goes. i don't anticipate the temperature dropping to freezing too many more times this season, even so, every last scrap of bedding is currently being laundered to line the nest. that's about all I've got to say for now.. time to hit the road.

home and back... home.

yeah. blog wagon, i broke it... so i'll make an attempt. i've been meaning to write for a while. i'm not entirely sure why i chose February of all months to return to my homeland, i suppose it made sense at the time. it was a reminder both of why i stuck around so long in the first place, and why i left for good.

i suppose the journey began as it would, at the greyhound station. i'm always buckled over with anxiety before travel for days or even weeks, until i'm sitting in my seat. not sure why, given the amount of times i've travelled ridiculous distances in this country but hey, it happens. the ride back to Ontario was long, cold, and for a brief moment absolutely terrifying. of course a massive snowstorm would roll into the Rockies just in time for my departure, which naturally resulted in some delays. one of which was a perspective changing, near-death experience.. the last thing i'd expected from the trip.

twilight before the sunrise is a strange and lonely time on a long distance bus ride. i have a hard time sleeping in general, so on a moving bus it's pretty well impossible. i was one of three passengers awake at the time, and the very only one sitting up in my seat looking out the window. coming down a hill to a bend in the road our coach passed a transport truck laying upside-down off the side of the highway, right before a drop-off in the mountain pass. glad that ain't us i was thinking, when all of a sudden the highway in front of us was coming at me through the side window. our bus began to spin, the back wheels and trailer hit the snowbank sending the rear of the bus fishtailing back in the opposite direction mere feet from the edge of the bloody mountain.. the moment the driver started yelling 'oh shit oh shit' was about the time the whole life flashing before my eyes thing began, the moment i thought it was all over.

everything was silent. what all had happened in less than a minute felt like an eternity. i could see and feel everything so intensely. the force of the coach losing control, the gently falling snow off in the distance, the heartbeat in my chest, the soft white blanket covering the trees, the icy ravine below.. it was all so real, so vivid. if this is it i thought, i lived a full life, i had a good time. i wasn't 'ready' to die, but i accepted the possibility. no fear and no regrets, in the moment.. eventually we coasted to a stop. finally i could take a breath. my ears stopped ringing. it's not over yet.

that incident sort of set the tone for the rest of the trip. winter was unforgiving, the task at hand was majorly daunting, and i didn't get to see everyone i'd hoped to. i'm grateful for the time i did get with my fams and a few good friends. i spent a good portion of my time alone and under ground trying to figure this part out. reflecting on just about every period of my life as i went through every little thing i've managed to hold on to, deciding what to keep and what to give away. photos, journals, art projects.. i'm not even sure how i still had most of it. my mother held on to a few things dearly, which i inherited back when she passed.

about that.. it's almost been a year now. when it first happened i had a hard time letting go. half of the stuff in that storage locker was hers not mine.. i panicked dealing with her sudden death and being responsible for 'cleaning up the mess' so to speak. it's not an easy thing to stay calm about, and there are things one feels when the mother dies that no one and nothing can prepare you for. cyclical waves of heart wrenching pain and hollow numbness. time does heal. returning to the locker of memorabilia was far less painful than it had been at the start. i still have my moments, this might be one of them..

...


i have arrived, i am home.

the journey back west was met with far less resistance. the sub-zero temps let up the day i left, the sun shone down on the greyhound bus the entire way through the prairies.. not a single flake of snow fell in any of the five provinces. i felt this was the correct direction of travel. Vancouver had been experiencing the warmest February on record while i was busy closing up shop down in the coldest Ontario had seen in over a century. the shock of returning to green lawns and cherry blossoms was overwhelming. on top of a smooth ride i managed to fluke out with an available room to rent in a house full of friends, and i have an interview for a job this coming monday in a place where i'd never have to work nights, weekends or holidays. fingers crossed.. could i be so lucky?

my destination is in each step.

every moment is brand new, besides the déjà vu of course. a friend told me once that when you experience déjà vu it is believed to signify that you are exactly where you should be in life, on the right path at the right time.. or something like that. i've always kind of felt that way even though i'm sure there's a perfectly good scientific reason for the whole phenomenon. anyways, it's hard not to exist in the moment. i've done a whole lot of moving around, but always ended up back where i started. this is the first time in my life that i intend to permanently transplant myself in a faraway land.

it feels good to be home. to feel like i'm someplace i should be.. to start over. it's hard to be homesick when home is where the heart is and i left my heart here on the coast. tomorrow is a new day. onward..

it's all so... 2015

phh blog fail. it's been over a month since i last hit this thing, but hey what can i say.. shit's been crazy. i'm still having a hard time making words for how i feel about it all, there really aren't any that fit the picture. but i'll giver a shot. where do i start...? let's try where i left off..

first of all, i'm glad i've managed to keep this thing going. a good friend reminded me the other day that it's nice to have something to look back at to 'remind myself how strong i can be when shit gets too real', and i think i can't handle it. i'm certainly blessed to have the friends that i do, you're likely reading this, so thank you. i promise to remember not to forget. ha. i still think blogging is really fuckin weird, but for some reason you freaks wanna read what i have to say, and it's kinda neat to write it so..

alright then. december.. this was my first 'holiday season' away from the home base. no matter what or where i was, i always made it back in time for mom's birthday, seven days before the solstice. this time i decided to stay away. an interesting perspective gained on the whole 'christmas' thing. though i always kinda had a hate on for it for a bunch of different reasons, being so far removed from it all allowed me to really feel out the parts that bother me. and appreciate the parts that i missed.. or should i say miss the parts that i appreciate.

holidays were always a clusterfuck of obligations and emotions that seem almost pointless given it's a season meant to be reserved for joy and sharing and family celebrations. and of course my mother couldn't handle it, both the loneliness and the not-so-joyous memories from every christmas before.. i couldn't blame her. this year none of that applied to me. i'm too far away to get caught up in the circus, too broke to send any gifts, and my mother is finally at peace. the parts i miss are having conversations and laughs with my folks by the fireplace with some baileys, chillin with my awesome baby bro, the sudden influx of random home baked goods, and seeing everyone i hadn't for a year.. watching children grow like weeds. these moments will only happen when i can make them, when i have a minute to run away home.

this year i was on my own. no plans, no obligations, just go with the flow. which led to spending christmas eve with a good friend trippin around the city, visiting the other misfits, and later stumbling home in deep appreciation of the lack of blustering winds and zero feet of snow. i really, really love the 'winter' here. i had already accepted the fact that christmas day would be all mine to do with what i please, i and i alone. and of course, in the least likely of places and with very unexpected timing i managed to make a friend. how fitting. presence is a gift..

then 2015 hit. BEEP BOOP!! a sudden awakening reminder that life rarely goes according to plan, everything can change in an instant, and things always happen in their time. i knew when i settled in to this little groove of having a job and living under a roof that there was a very good chance it was all temporary, and here i am. i handed in my keys today, finished stashing all my shit this past week, ditched out on the job that was wearing me down and picked up my ticket for the next whirlwind of craziness. i'm about to end up right back where i started only this time much lighter in more ways than one.

no regrets. i needed a minute. sometimes you just fuckin need a minute. i didn't come here to slave my ass off for a minimum wage, spend all my weekends holed up in a cave, and end up in a miserable rut like the old one in a new place. hell no. i came here to simply uproot. to unplug. reset. just another one of those kids who went west for vacation and forgot to go home. home is here now where i'm at. somewhere and nowhere in particular. enjoying a little random adventure, good company and a healthy dose of recklessness before deciding what it is i'm going to do with myself.

the best and maybe scariest part is, i have no fucking clue what's going to happen. in just about every aspect of my life. i put off buying my bus ticket for as long as i could to postpone feeling obligated to leave at a specific time. there's only so much i can do to set myself up here before i leave, so my hands are tied. i miss the shit outta my family and friends but the idea of going back there right now is making me anxious. it's like the last goodbye for some truly unknown amount of time, plus closing up shop, and liberating pieces of my past both physical and not.. basically a three week long get'r done style 'welcome back, see ya later' party. it's gonna be one hell of a journey.

and then coming back west.. my original plan had me simply on leave from that job, but it was really affecting me, i'm too damn old for the night shift. i had to give it up. missing out on a social life was starting to get at me too. ditching the job meant ditching the room i was renting, which at first was nerve racking. full blown panic mode for a minute there.. i'm over it. as much as i'd love a little stability, right now might not be the moment. i'll accept that. for now. i kinda feel like i'm ten years old again, shit just got real, and i have no idea what i'm doing. moments are more vivid, time lost it's relevance, and i can't for the life of me remember what day it is.

what is this kitchen? cheque please..

"be happy with what you have."

there's a church en route to work, and the sign out front always has some cut-and-dry, damn good advice posted up on it.. that seems to always be ironically directed at me and what's going on in my life at the moment. though i'm always on the bus as i pass, i never think to snap a shot not to forget what it says. but this one, this one i must remember..

"be happy with what you have."

i haven't been feeling myself lately. i can't say that it's the weather because i love the weather here, but maybe even that can't save me from the 'SAD'. maybe i'm just annoyed. there's girls in my house, two of them sharing a room for a month. and they're taking up everything... i forgot how-uhh-challenging.. living with females is. [i was so not meant to be one..] bathroom, kitchen, if i need it, they're in it. guaranteed. i gotta pee, i need a shower, and i'm bloody starving with that post-work hunger. and just now, i've had to move to the living room to type because i lost the only plug in my bedroom to a blow-out due to the girl's hair dryer. like fuckin really? it must be me... maybe that just happened right now because i forgot to be happy with what i damn well have. that and it's an old house... but you know.

sometimes i forget how lucky i am to have a place to go with a warm bed. it costs more than half of what i make a month to maintain, but still.. i have it. i tend to forget that even though i'm thousands of miles away from pretty well everyone i know, if i really need someone to talk to all i have to do is pick up the phone. i might be going through hug withdrawals, and i might spend the majority of my time alone, but i do have friends. they're out there, the best ones.

i am happy with what i have. i'm damn grumpy because i'm tired all the time, working midnights and failing at sleep. but i like my job for what it is, could use a higher wage to get some groceries up in here, but i dig the people, and the challenge. it'll get me through the next little while. eight weeks from now i'll be on the road again, cramped in on buses for days, hitting multiple cities and crashing couches in the dead of winter with zero income. so until then i'll have to appreciate my overpriced, not-so-par space on the hill for what it is, a safe place to lay my head. that said, it's still far better than places i've been.

there's still power in my house, just not my part of it for now. that's fine.. at least it's still accessible. there's still hot running water, which i plan to soak up soon. and there's still the mountains, and the sub-tropical climate, and new places to explore. i still have my sanity, mostly. i'm quickly realizing how spoiled i have been by having all of these modern conveniences at my fingertips most of the time i've been here, which is a switch-up for me. i'm more used to tenting it, bunking, couch surfing, and hunting for public power sources to charge my phone. laundry and showers were more of an occasion. this is nothing, and something.

well now that i've managed to express my gratitudes whilst complaining about my petty discomforts, it's about time i prepare to get some rest. 27 hours is a long time to be awake, and i do that far too often. i'd better get going while it's still storming because there will be no netflix to lull my head to sleep, only the sound of the rain. [for that, i can't complain.]

manifest..

i've heard a lot of people say or write it in a bunch of different ways and i've always mostly believed it.. what you think is what you get. the power of intention, thoughts manifest reality, however you want to put it. attitude in general tends to shape our experience.

every time i change my mind, so changes my situation. perhaps i'm more in control than i allow myself to believe. i have a hard time with decisions most of the time, and i tend to wait for some sort of a sign before making a choice. but i can't help but wonder if those signs were mine to begin with. the signs are perhaps from my subconscious finally deciding, and showing me what i want to see. follow the yellow brick road..

what seemed like the toughest decision at first has become clear to me, no matter what way i cut it, i'm dead set on giving up my Ontario residency. but i have to pick a province.. my driver's permit is only good for so long, and i'll have to choose a place to be to upgrade. for years i didn't ever want to drive, but there are so many opportunities i have allowed to pass by because of saying no to the ultimate mode of mobility. if i stay in BC it'll take two years before i can take a test for a full license that will be transferable to other provinces. in order to stay here though i need to make a lot more money, and in order to afford to drive, i need a better job that requires me having a license. so..

at the moment i'm living on a prayer, and gently leaning on a line of credit. it's a little unnerving not knowing if and when i'll be able to pay it back, but fuck that shit anyways it's numbers on a screen. i can't help but worry about it much like 99% of the population, but at the same time.. it's hard to give a shit about money at times. maybe that's why i never have any.. but i'm working on that.

anyways.. as soon as i made the decision to finish getting my drivers permit, more opportunities immediately began to present themselves, and even line up for the time i'll be able to drive. i'd been batting around the idea of going to Alberta for the past couple weeks, and during that time dozens of job opportunities have been screaming my name there for double the pay.. but that winter tho! seriously.. seven months of bullshit cold, shortest growing season, and crazy far from the sea. all things i'm not really down with, especially considering my excitement regarding finally existing in a place where the ground doesn't freeze solid and get a ton of snow.

other things too. like when i decided that having a social/party life was of ultimate importance my schedule reflected that. i only worked one shift on the weekends for a month straight. as soon as i had the thought 'if i keep going like this i'm going to destroy myself'' everything changed. my days off coming are Wednesday and Sunday. that seems a little safer. thanks, i think?  yeah. right down to the people in my life.. near and far. sometimes it's hard to remember at the end of the day it's your choice who you allow to be a part of your life. for a while i was overcomplicating my process of decision making by allowing far too much input from outside sources. lately i've been far more 'selfish' than usual, having more concern for my own needs before considering what others want from me. it's... liberating.

work tonight, off at 4 in the morning. which reminds me, i have something to say about that... later.

peace in chaos II

there's something comforting about the unknown. there's no need to feel responsible for anything but yourself and the path beneath your feet. i came here expecting nothing and ready for anything. there was only one thing i knew for sure, and one thing i hoped for more than anything, that my good friend would be waiting for me at the station upon my arrival. late on a friday evening despite the throes of party night, there he was.

i wasn't certain about the situation or exactly where i'd be staying or for how long. like me many of my friends gravitate towards a transient lifestyle, and even when seemingly content could pick up and change course at any moment. that said, the prospect of a place to crash had existed but wasn't expected. and then after all, i was blessed with more than one.

it could be good karma, or good fortune, or the fact that i've been making a point to accept whatever situation i happen upon with an open mind and heart. some things start out shady, and end up cultivating lasting friendships with people you'd least expect, or a home in a place you'd have never found without a nudge in the right direction. being open and also ready, i know when to trust my gut. some decisions are made or called off based on a feeling, only to find later on how lucky i was for my choice.

in fact, that's how i've been making my decisions thus far. feel it out. when i think things i over think them until they no longer make any sense. but when the critical moment arises [and i never know when until it's time], i act, or react accordingly. good things are coming but i don't know what. the adventure is here and now. no matter where i landed i would have found it, but i'm glad i am where i am. blessed.

i'd opened my mind to finding what i seek on the ferry ride back to the mainland. after taking time to relax on the island i started to get a feeling something was waiting for me. i chose a date of departure and started my search right away. not long after, i had found, or rather was found by something that could perpetuate into one of the greatest opportunities for both learning and future independent ventures. and shortly thereafter, sifting through literally hundreds of ads, i found my place in the world. a tiny haven on the side of a hill where i can garden, read and rest. if all goes accordingly, i can make residence there this week.

my destination is in each step. i've learned something about myself. i need to always find the balance, the best of both worlds. i crave an anchor of stability be it a homestead or a hole in the wall, someplace that is mine. yet i require the freedom to adventure, to move along, to start anew. to unlock achievements in a new game, to open maps unstepped. finally, i've begun to pull it together.

today is a new day. a rainy one, but refreshed no less. i wonder what will happen next..