where i'm at, where i'm going.

right now.. i only have one thing set in stone, a bus ticket west. i'm not really sure about where i'll end up, how long i'll be, what i'm going to accomplish while i'm out there, or any of the things i've been asked or wondering myself. i just don't know. planning things to a degree is good, but i'm leaving space for the universe to do with me what it will. usually works out better that way rather than trying to stick to a certain plan. i have lots of resources lined up, friends to visit and time to spend. there are opportunities to learn, to farm, to discover my own potential. and of course, to work.

there's been a lot happening between preparing for this journey, settling my mother into her resting place, and tying up loose ends. i'm grateful that i took a month before traveling to get everything done, or i'd have never had time to spend with the people i share my life with. another bonus of retirement, less stress on friendships and relationships. we'd never see each other, all working opposite shifts. i've been able to see friends i haven't been able to see due to schedules and general busy-ness, hang with my baby brother, and go on random adventures until late in the evening when usually it'd be far past my bed-time. what an amazing freedom. now i remember what i liked about this lifestyle. now if i can only make time to write.. working on it.

something else has happened since i've been off. i have a far greater appreciation for the place that i live, both my hometown and the house itself. having time to actually wander reminds me what i like about being here in the first place, and i'm already excited to return, whenever that may be. there has been talk here and there of the housemates relocating in the spring, so i've spent as much time as i could in the yard and in the garden. i have already opted out of my space in the house until further notice, and Matty will make sure the garden and the kitty are looked ofter while i'm gone. back to the garden.. the sunflowers are gigantic this year, the fruits so sweet. it's been nice having time to savour the literal fruits of our labour. and the shade.

i took down my tent finally after a few good weeks camping out behind the urban farm. the next week coming is filled with various mini adventures around the peninsula before i leave the province. most of my books and overflow seasonal gear has made it safely into the storage garage. it'll be nice to have my own personal library and mini inventory of clothing and gear all neatly organized and ready for my return. that and a little workspace set up for when i get back into my winter crafting. i have a feeling this winter will be a long one in Ontario, it's already hinting at moving in.

it's a good thing it's 'back to school' season. i had to pick up an agenda, since retiring i've been keeping busy and i have to keep track of my days. my money too, funds are finite and i must monitor my spending. i have about a week left until i hop the Greyhound west. the pages are pretty full.. i'm sure it will pass quickly. i thought a month would be a long time, but it feels like only a few days since i retired back to the rucksack. a good few though. now to get back to what i've been up to...

Selfish.

i suppose it's about time. it took me a really long time to realize [and a bunch of people telling me] that a lot of what i do with myself is to the benefit of others before [or at least as well as] myself. but i rarely just do something for me. examples? well...

just about everything... i travelled for myself, but i came back out of guilt. i share living accommodations, and when i do, most usually i consider everyone in the house's comfort and convenience before my own. i take the smaller [or crappier] room, i most usually end up cleaning up after more than just myself, and somehow assume responsibility eventually. maintaining rooming houses for my homies to have homes... even at work when i delegate tasks i give them to the people that i think would like them most and do the crappy jobs myself. when sharing meals i [used to, not so much anymore] accommodate to the others' taste regardless if the food would make me feel like crap. all that said, of course there's no regrets, some incredible lessons and experiences for sure. point is, i never woke up to all this until recently.

today a conversation with a friend really hit it home. "will you come back for Matt?" she asked about my leaving the province. my answer, no. no i'm not going to come back for anyone but myself. i'll be back when i'm done with that part of my journey. i've been doing so many things with other people in mind, i rarely think of myself. i've been so bogged down by guilt to even realize i have nothing to feel guilty about, and it's okay to do things for me sometimes. i am learning to love myself enough to take better interest in my personal well-being. what do i want with my heart? i'll do that. life is too short to daydream about the things i wish i was doing. i'm almost thirty now, and i'm glad it didn't take me any longer to figure it out.

the greatest part is, eventually, once i get myself figured out, i'll be in a way better position to help others. when i find my health, when i get into the field of work that has fully consumed my interests and dreams.. it will actually benefit those that i care about. and i'm on my way.

i'm glad i finally let go of the lifestyle that i have outgrown. it's not easy once you become comfortable. i used to hate the idea of working full-time 'for the man', and now departing from this way of life [though i'm excited] feels strange. i have no definite plans right now, and for right now that's what i need. lately opportunities and connections that i fancy have been coming to me, which tends to happen when i learn to let go. i always forget this until the next time. maybe now that i've written it down i'll learn faster.

so, that's it. this is me, doing stuff for myself. i will get healthy. i will get fit. i will learn to live and grow more things sustainably. then pass it on. each one teach one.

mid-july

it's been a strange summer. when the sun is out, the heat is intense. but otherwise, cool.
the sun hasn't been out as much as most summers. lots of overcast and rain. almost coastal weather..
not complaining, but it's strange no less.

i woke up this morning with a headache. not unusual i suppose, i've been getting them the past couple weeks. but today it was too much. i think the couple days of sun and humidity there got to me. i realized that i've been pushing myself pretty hard the past few weeks, and not sleeping. trying to get as much done as i can, and forgetting to rest. all of everything caught up to me, and i spent most of today in the garden or on the bed.

i'm glad that i got to see the first sunflower open. i was worried that i'd be gone already, as last year they didn't open til september when i was just leaving for Nova Scotia. they're huge this year, almost eight feet tall. i love them. i can't help but smile when i see sunflowers. some of the mammoth seeds were pushed into the ground the morning my mother passed, before i even knew that she was gone. only she was there with me..

i miss her. it's getting easier in the day-by-day, but those times that waves of emotions surface from the ocean within, there is no stopping their tidal force. some days i wish so much that she could see me now, that she could see me driving or taking off for the coast. sometimes i don't need to wish so much. sometimes i can feel her smile in the sun, her laughter in the wind.

one week left until retirement.