The end- and the beginning...

 After a few hours up the hill chopping wood, my partner came back to the farmhouse looking a bit perplexed. He asks if I want the good news or bad news first- I always opt for the bad news to get it out of the way. "Farm sold" he says. The sale closes at the end of the month. The good news is they're giving us an extra couple months to figure out what we'll do about that. 

It was the last thing we'd expected at this point in time. The shock of our home-base changing hands suddenly in November hadn't worn off yet.

Though it wasn't expected, the news didn't come as a surprise. Back in summer 2019 when we moved the farm base up there, we knew the owner was thinking of selling. In fact, the property was currently on the market but no one was biting. His wife had passed a few years back, and he felt the acreage was a lot to manage without her. He's right, it didn't take long in her absence for everything to become overgrown.

We stayed anyways. We had a somewhat functioning farm on the five acres that needed a place to go. We spent the remainder of 2019 hauling up all of our accumulated building materials, our fifth wheel trailer, tools, and all the posts and fencing we had. If nothing else, it would be a great spot to park all our stuff when the 5 acres changed hands. We visited often with loads throughout the season, and spent time attempting to keep the invasive bramble at bay.

It didn't feel any kind of permanent- until 2020 came along with a pandemic. The landowner was traveling as the borders were being shut down. Up until that moment, he was still hoping to sell. When he finally got back into Canada and up to the farm, his tune had changed completely. We sat down and hashed out a rough ten year plan.

He felt extremely grateful to have this beautiful remote mountainside property to isolate in while the world shut down around us. In the wake of food shortages and society losing its shit, he had this. And us. He took the property off the market, invested tens of thousands into an excavator and equipment, and we got to work.

We spent an entire year cleaning up and planning. Over a kilometer of waterline was repaired and connected to bring spring water from the top of the mountain down to the field. We first built a barn completely out of reclaimed materials- just big enough for the goats to hang out with us on long days up the hill, and of course to store things in the loft and keep our tools dry. When it was finished, we could take our goats up to camp.

Almost an acre of blackberry bramble was peeled back off the field. The ground was leveled, and an area was made for our RV to park somewhat permanently. We started collecting materials for the shelter we planned to build around it. We even have a woodstove waiting.

The property owner had put hundreds of hours into operating the excavator. Repairs to the long driveway, the trail system, and the removal of some large dangerous trees. He learned to fix the machines. We spent an entire weekend together getting the dump truck up and rolling to make quicker progress on the land. It kept all of us busy in the strangest year of our lifetime.

On top of the pandemic, we each had our own hurdles to overcome. Not being able to travel is problematic for the landowner. And me suffering my own health crisis on top of everything really slowed me down. My partner has previous injuries that are coming back to haunt him. None of us came to admit it, this was all very daunting.

Though shock was definitely in the jumble of feelings in that moment, I was honestly relieved to hear the news.

Don't get me wrong. It's a beautiful property, and I have always felt a deep sense of honour and gratitude for the opportunity to spend our time there. I was always stoked for everything we talked about doing. But also very aware that at any point, it could all be over.

I feel like our presence there gave us each the opportunity to let go of something. Instead of dropping what we were holding on to in haste, we were instead able to put it down gently. I'm glad we were able to do that together. I'm thankful for the opportunity to reflect, and let go of ideals that don't serve me. I'm grateful for this time to learn some things about myself- to be honest with myself. To breathe.


Permanence in transience.
To be continued...

A timely pandemic

I'm not sure I want things to go back to normal. I don't think the normal we had was doing us much good. Many of us anyways.. myself included. I've been struggling with my health for years, and this past year has been the most turbulent. It's kind of crazy to even think it, but if it wasn't for this pandemic I may have never woken up to the reality of my situation until it was much too late.

I spent the better part of a week in the hospital on an Intravenous. My pancreas, liver and kidneys went haywire, and my stomach lining was all but gone. I had just experienced the most intense pain of my life, and all I could think about was the fact that I was missing work. I wasn't worried about my health as much as my responsibilities- job wise and financially.

Quite literally I would not have voluntarily applied for medical leave if it was not absolutely required of me at that time. If it were my choice, and I would have been able to proceed with screenings and treatment while still going to work, I would have opted to do so. Even though it hasn't worked for me in the past. Even though I was aware it would be difficult, uncomfortable and possibly dangerous. Even though the likelihood of healing would have been greatly reduced.

It's been 10 weeks, and only now am I beginning to realize how imperative it is for me to be in the best environment possible to heal. I'm not better yet. Hell, I haven't even been able to complete the screening and diagnosis process due to the covid. I've been waiting in limbo trying to figure out for myself what's happening internally so that I can begin to correct it. And honestly, now that I'm getting into it, I truly believe any sort of actual healing would not have been impossible otherwise.

Being mostly homebound, I have the time and mental space to really pay attention to what I'm doing hourly and daily, so that I can monitor how it affects me and my condition. The food I eat, how much and when. How much sleep I get, or don't.. whether I remember to drink enough water to satiate my kidney function..what hurts, what helps, which organs are affected by what,  what becomes inflamed when.

Moving into my eleventh week on the homestead, I'm finally starting to get a good idea. A touch of a grasp on what's happening to me. And even starting to figure out how to manage my condition to keep up with everyday life. Thing is, in order for me to maintain and continue in the direction of healing, the reality of everyday life for me must change.

...

I'm 35 years old. I have been working since I was 14. 40-60 hours a week all summer if I could, and weekends in the school year. The further into high school I got, the more I worked. By the end of school I ended up finishing early so that I could work full time. Not always did I have a place to live, but I always had means of supporting myself. And between work and school it didn't much matter where I spent the very few hours of down time in between.

By 22 I felt the burn. I opted for a seasonal rotation of employment- load up on hours for a couple months at a time so I could take a few months at a time off to travel. The traveling of course came with it's own work, for several summers I'd go to either the east or west coast to work until work ran out, chill for a few weeks to enjoy it, and come back home. Being transient lessened my expenses for certain things, so I spent a little less time doing hard labour so I could spend more time on the trails and in the trees.

It worked well for me for nearly a decade. But as I made a running slide into my thirties, it all caught up to me quickly. My body isn't as keen as it once was sleeping on the ground or in the back of a truck. My recovery time is longer, I need a bit more actual rest. Having a place to call home became imperative, and now it's finally time I take advantage of the opportunity- to use this time at Home to Heal.

...

But I can't go through all this just to come out the other side and go back to normal, the very normal that got me to this level of dis-ease and discomfort in the first place. Every job I've ever had has taken it's toll. It's the only kind of work I know, what I'm good at. Physical. Hard. Work. I'm in construction now, before that was landscaping and gardening on all scales. Before that was warehouse jobs, garden centers, even the photo lab was hard on the body with repetitive heavy lifting of the giant paper cartridges and photo chemicals that I now know had long term effects on my inner organs.

When I ended up taking a dive with my health I'd gotten myself down to 30 hour work weeks already, with 15 hours of driving on top. Though I had the right idea limiting my hours a bit, I don't think it was enough. Reality is though, maintaining a role in society requires an income. I've had a bit of a break from having to stress about that aspect of daily life for a minute, finally utilizing the insurance I've been paying into for years- but my time is almost up.

Now I must consider my reentry into the game. I have to make a decision- going back to what I was doing is not an option if I wish to also maintain my health. I can either go back to work very part time and find other means of supplementing my income, or consider long term disability while I further pursue my health paradox. Both options have their own sets of benefits and drawbacks, so I must carefully weigh my options in the coming weeks.


It's been a timely pandemic indeed. I refuse to let the lessons learned- about my health, job and food security go to waste. It's been an eye opening experience on many levels, and now more than ever, it's time for change.

2020- going viral.

Friday morning I went to my secret little grocery store next to one of our job sites in the city. Up until now in this hysteria, nobody really knew about it unless they lived close by. I wanted to stock up on produce for the weekend for my juice feast, and the store was packed for 10 in the morning. Usually it's pretty quiet on my break.

There was barely 6 packs of toilet paper left, no water, very little canned food, almost no rice... it's setting in. The lineups were running back around the store to cash out. I was able to grab all of the produce I went in for... given the utter chaos, this surprised me.

I understand the CDC recommending people always have a month's worth of food on hand in case of things like this, natural disasters that close roads, weather events that close stores etc. I get that. Especially living out here, which is why we're always as stocked as can be. Our reserves saved us this winter when we were stuck at home during storms, and short on cash not having worked our regular hours. Life would have been hungry without it.

It's easy to do without waiting till shit hits the fan and having to join the masses in the panic buying insanity. Buy a couple extra things when you shop. If it's an item you use regularly and it's on sale, buy two. That sort of thing. Keep your cupboards full and wash your hands, and you'll more than likely survive the winter. Our reserves are a little short coming out of the slow season, but I don't have the money right now to fill a cart with dry goods, and my health right now depends on the fresh stuff.

I'm standing there in line with my hand basket full of produce, and the people with overflowing carts of everything under the sun are looking at me like I'm crazy. I was just grateful that no one had clued in yet to buy any fresh fruits and vegetables. I felt almost foolish stocking up for my weekend of juicing.

I wonder how far this will go, how crazy people will get before this is over. I wonder if in the next few days it'll calm down, or if the hysteria will ramp up tenfold as the government steps in to make us all stay home. I wonder if people going into panic mode will end us before any virus does. I wonder if this will change our generation.

Don't get me wrong, of course the virus concerns me. I have a compromised immune system, and my lungs are already damaged from years of abuse. I'm worried for the majority of my neighbours here that are well onto the most vulnerable age bracket. I'm concerned for my folks and older relatives back home. I'm worried that if it gets any worse, it'll affect our community economically, negatively impacting small local businesses and farmers.

We are doing our part by not going places we don't need to. Social distancing isn't really a problem for us, we're the type of people to keep to ourselves. Given people's behaviour the past week, I'm not enthusiastic about exposing myself to the madness. I have no problem with staying home. Gardening isn't cancelled. Speaking of which..

We're getting started out in the yard. Now that we know we'll be here for at least another season, we can start thinking about what to plant. We had considered putting the farm camp build on hold so that I can focus on regaining my health. The current situation has us thinking it will be in our best interest to proceed. It'll be a delicate balance of energy, and we have to remember to pace ourselves.

Things are changing quickly, and now with a global pandemic in the mix, 2020 is bound to be interesting.

I need a minute...

Life got real intense all of a sudden. The past year has been a complete whirlwind. Early in 2019 we were granted use of a five acre homestead, a field and a barn. We got a taste of working on a slightly bigger scale, and it challenged us to adapt quickly. Suddenly we had a couple pigs, then four, then eleven?! Along with an RV camper in the field next to a quarter acre garden. We had an opportunity to try growing dozens of crops we'd never had space for, including four varieties of potatoes and 27 kinds of heirloom tomatoes!

Somewhere along the line, our home base faced a threat and we were forced to figure out a backup plan. We scrambled to set up something somewhat livable in the field and figure out what to do with our belongings. Not a week later, we found out that the five acre acre homestead was also suddenly off the table. The renter that we were subletting the barn and field from was asked to leave after 15 years of renting- which was totally unexpected.

Our main focus at that point became very outward. We diverted all of our energy into looking for a new place to happen. At the height of our search we were presented with an opportunity that was impossible to resist- acreage, forest, orchard and pasture. Space to build, water on site, miles of potential and possibilities. But a completely blank slate.

In all of this, I've been waiting patiently to address my health more properly. After almost a year of waiting, I finally got the appointment that would start the ball rolling on getting a proper diagnosis. Admittedly, all of this finding my health stuff was tossed on the back burner with no chance of recovery in the near future.

Overwhelmed is an understatement. All of this on top of working in the city most of the week, having the farmer's market every Saturday during the growing season, and volunteering for the food waste diversion program every Sunday- life is very very full. My cup overfloweth...

We spent the fall and winter months pushing forward to collect materials and start rebuilding. Knowing that I was spreading my energy too thin, I allowed it. Embraced it.. and when I finally took that minute to take a look at my health, I got sick. Real sick. Perhaps if I hadn't drained myself of every drop of energy every day all season, it might not have hit me so hard. And of course in the thick of the sickness, our van sprung a leak.. and our well pump stopped working. Not having running water when sick is just as fun as it sounds. And the van needed fixing as if the extra expense was exactly what we needed.

So while I'm laid out here in bed, too exhausted to launder my clothes after a few days without water, too sick to take part in any of the rad plans I had this weekend, and too annoyed by the sound of my own wheezing to fall asleep... I reflect.

I need a minute.

That's a difficult thing for me to admit. I feel guilty for the things I miss, the work I'm not getting done, the people I might be letting down. I pushed myself too hard for too long and I'm paying for it dearly. I need time to think about my decisions, what I can do for myself, and what I might need to let go of. I need a minute to rest. 

Taking Back Time.

I'm having a hard time with something, I always have. And I know I'm not the only one. I'm just gonna come right out and say it- 40 hour work weeks are bullshit. When we were indie contractors, we basically made our own schedule. We would work when the materials/ stages were ready, and if we finished earlier we'd leave early, still getting the flat rate that we had billed for the job. Our jobs were completed efficiently and on time, and we still had time for our lives. Every once in a while we'd have to do long days to get a project finished, but for the most part, worked on average 30 hours a week. Unfortunately as indie contractors, the work wasn't always guaranteed, so we decided to seek out a company to hire us as a team. 

When we were hired by this company, we did our first week like 'normal' workers. We tried the 8-8.5 hour work days, plus the drive, plus our home and farm chores. The company had a sample of our work ethic, and we had a taste of 40 hour weeks on top of our busy half way homesteading life. Then we had our official 'on the books' hiring meeting. We explained how we love the work, take pride in our work, but can't fit a 40 hour work week plus commute into our lifestyle. Much to our surprise, they were more than willing to work with us, given the quality of work we provide.

It's been over a year. We have it worked out to have every other Friday off. We work 7 hour days, and a four hour day evey other Friday. We're paid biweekly, so we'd work a half day, get our checks, do our banking, groceries and errands with the rest of our 'shift'. 28 and 32 averages to 30 hour weeks, or 60 hour pays. Because of tax brackets and whatnot, we only make roughly 60-80 less a week missing those 10 hours. Let that sink in for a minute..

When we worked 40 hour weeks, we were making 600 more a month combined. But! We had 40 hours *less* time a month. Divide that up, that's only an 'additional' 15 bucks an hour... COMBINED. that means those 'extra' 10 hours a week, we were only taking home an extra $7.50 an hour each because working more hours meant we were making more money- and thus had more deductions taken. Plus we save on fuel and miscellaneous spending that happens when we go to work. After all said and done, we're basically giving those extra 10 hours a week away for free. Going to work every day costs time *and* money.

And to what advantage? The company doesn't get any more or better quality work out of me. In fact, longer days means I'm more exhausted the next day and production slows down. It's an observable fact that we as 30 hour a week workers get more done than the "full timers". The company benefits by getting the same or more and better quality work without having to pay for more hours. We get more hours a week to live our lives. Win, win.

There's 168 hours in a week. I spend roughly 50 hours a week sleeping or resting, that leaves 118. My 30 hours working, so 88 left. 13 hours average commuting takes us down to 75. 30 hours a week on farm chores, 25 left.. so if we were working 40 hour weeks, we would have 15 hours a WEEK of idle time. That's it. That's for extra projects, reading, shopping for stuff we need, volunteering, going for a walk, spending quality time together and with our animals, friends and family, leisure activities.. life outside of work. Real, life.

No....

No. That's not enough. This is our life we're talking about here, and we should really consider living life before we're too old to do anything about it..


I understand that it's my choice to have 30 hours a week of farm chores, gardening, working at home. But some people work two jobs to get that food, or to be able to afford various lifestyle choices. I choose to grow my food, and live this life. That's the kind of 'work' I'd rather do to keep myself fed. I'm not at all saying that my way is the right way, and everyone should work less so they can stay home and grow food. I realize that's not possible for everyone. What I'm saying is, I feel that we truly undervalue our time on this earth. And not just monetarily. Our hourly wages, is that really all we're worth?

Someone, somewhere at some point in time set this standard of living that many of us in this current societal structure have adhered to. I think it's about time that we reevaluate these standards as individuals. What do we really need in our lives? What are we paying money (and thus time) for that really doesn't benefit us? Is there some way we can shift our energy to be put into something more self-fulfilling instead of selling the best of ourselves to someone else and not getting an appropriate return? What can I do or create that I can use myself or sell/ barter/ trade for what I do need?

This is just the beginning for me. As my lifestyle shifts to one more rooted in nature, I am exploring more opportunities to be self-sufficient. I am working to shift to a more home-based means of accumulating income, and less of a need for one. When I envision 'retirement', I'm not old, leaving a company I've given my best years to, settling down and waiting to die. For me, retiring will be when my own life and how I live it provides enough abundance to no longer need to hit a punch clock on someone else's dream. The following 'meme' is basically a summation of what I'm getting at..

"My goal is to build a life
I don't need a vacation from"

That is essentially it. No one is saying anything about not having to work. A productive life will always require work. My goal is to get to a point where I only have to attend a "regular day job" enough to cover basic bills, and have the time I need to build, grow, seek and trade for the things I need myself. Put the effort, and time and hard work into my life, the land on which I live, and my community. For now, it is what it is. Slowly buy truly, we're taking back our time.

Flux

April and October are equally my favourite months. Spring and Autumn, life and death, rise and fall. Intensity of the tumultuous spaces between Equinoxes and Solstices. The seasons in which you may require an umbrella, a parka, sunglasses and a tshirt in the same day. I never really thought so deeply about why that is before. I always thought because I'm born in April, and October is it's calendrical opposite. Is that a word? It is now..

I'm addicted to change. Hooked on the tides.. the moon has me wrapped around her finger. I've been that way my whole life. Hence the vagabond lifestyle. I spent almost a decade rotating my location depending on the seasons. Working a job that I could take leave from for months at a time to do something different.

I never thought I'd pull off the whole setting down "roots" thing. But having a foundation has turned out to be a little different than I initially percieved it to be- perhaps due to my transient nature.

It's not like one big taproot that's anchoring me firmly in place, it's more like widespread reaching root systems that can survive if sections of them are severed. Like tubers, or multiplier bulbs. I'm finding that I feel much more secure this way, yet if ever I can't stay in one place, there's always plan b. Or c.. but they're all connected to the tree that is me.

This moon did not disappoint. It was every bit of flux that I come to expect from this time of year. The bit of mystery and uncertainty and change that makes the experience exciting and challenging and keeps me on my toes.

Last October was epic on the scale of change in my personal and professional life, as well as spiritual. April seems to be following up with the intensifying ripples of the changes set in motion. It's almost too much to drink in..

That's all I have to say for now. I probably could be more vague, but it's the point that matters.. 

Home on the Fringe

The 'simple life' does not equal easy. Living simply is hard work. I love it. So much about life feels more fulfilling when you really have to work for it. To sprout seeds, nurture and grow a plant- and harvest it's bounty, prepare and eat it may be the most satisfying experiences in life. I'm glad we can do that here with a small yet decent amount of space to utilize.

There are days that I feel overwhelmed. Working full-time-ish and maintaining a tiny hobby farm is very time consuming. But at the end of the day- the often very long days- it's worth it. The more we are able to provide for ourselves, the less general anxiety I suffer. There's a pattern forming here, and maybe it's not the worst one to be stuck in.

It's been a year and a half since I decided to become a contractor. Every work situation comes with it's own list of pros and cons, and the flexibility that comes with being independent works best for us most of the time. The unpredictable cash flow has served up it's fair share of challenges though. Some months we can rake in a couple grand a week, sometimes we can go weeks without work if the weather is bad enough. Sometimes, like this time, we work hard for weeks on end and wait far longer than we should have to for some dough.

One thing I've noticed though.. each lull that we've had in our cash flow has become easier to weather over time. Even the worst lull- this past winter lost us almost three months of work, we still had a stocked freezer from the summer before. If it wasn't for our garden and the pantry stocked with grains, it would have been a very hungry winter.

This time around, we have livestock. I've been making a habit of stocking up on feed for them every time I cash a check, and thankfully in the warmer seasons there's an abundance of free food growing for all of them. The rabbits can be harvested for meat if need be, the chickens lay eggs pretty well daily, and the goats are our security alarm/weed control/companions.

This gap in our money situation is the second longest one we've faced, and yet we are still rich in abundance. I may not have money for the phone bill or the grocery store, and rent may have to wait, but there's no longer the check-to-check fear of going hungry. Gardens+livestock=security.

Unfortunately, when money comes into play, so does my anxiety. It's almost as though my internal system is trying to tell me something. It would be far less stressful a life if we didn't have to trade so much of our time for money, when we could spend our time working to sustain ourselves without it. But there's all these things that come with being a part of society that require that loot.

So for the time being, we have made ourselves at home here in the fringes of society. It works better out here in a rural community where barter and trade are still a thing, and there's lots to go around. If ever the day comes where proverbial shit meets fan.. you know. Once the dust settles, we might just be better off.

New Year- Old World

There's nothing like ringing in the new year in the dark. Our region was slammed with an epic ice storm a few days after Christmas, taking out trees and power lines in it's wake. It's been over a week and there's still power lines dropping, and outages all over the map. Thankfully we were given a generator last year "just in case". After the first wave of the storm we made sure that it was running, set it up and built it a makeshift shelter, and ran power cords back into the house. And thankfully so, as when the second wave hit, everything was covered in ice and the power went out for a very long time.

The first couple days, we didn't bother to leave the house. Standing on our front porch, you couldn't count to twenty without hearing a tree come crashing down in the distance. We passed the time with a week-long cribbage tournament by candlelight, storytelling accompanied by a sketchpad, and mulling about the property. Our sea can workshop got a much needed cleaning, and we burned all our cardboard and wood scraps we'd been collecting throughout the year.

Day three, we were called out to work. Given that it's been two months without anything steady, we weren't about to say no to an opportunity to make a little loot. The drive kept us on our toes. In order to get off our road, we had to stop the van every thirty feet or so to clear fallen branches from the giant cottonwoods. I kept the van in gear and ready to move while he quickly cleared a path as branches were still falling all around us. It was a slow drive towards town, dodging fallen trees and ice bombs. It was one of the most absolutely beautiful sights i'd ever seen when the sun hit the ice covering everything, the landscape shone like a spotlight party in a chandelier shop.

When we finally arrived in town it was utter chaos. No street lights, cars abandoned on the roadside, power lines downed and roads closed left and right.We gave it a couple more days before our next venture in to town. This time we needed supplies and fuel, so we had our fingers crossed we would find at least one grocery store open whose shelves were not yet cleaned out. I was excited to see that our produce market had it's doors open for business. They like most other places had lost the products kept in coolers after not having power so long, but we were there for the basics. Potatoes and fruit mostly, things we hadn't grown ourselves.

Everywhere we go, we tend to talk to strangers, so it was no surprise that we'd gotten into a full blown conversation about the current situation while shopping for our fruit. We brought up how lucky we were that we lived in a small place, so it was enough to run a generator with a small space heater and a hot plate. If we needed water from the well we could plug in the pump and we're all set. He told us how it felt like going back in time, the kids had fun playing in the snow, and the family actually sat together to play some board games. We talked about how useless all those big fancy homes are without the services running to them, they'd be impossible to heat being so big, and their inhabitants would be better off setting up a tent outside during times like this.

Heating the house was our main challenge. If we don't keep the house warm when it's below freezing the pipes will burst, and we'd have a lot more problems than sitting in the dark. When we met up with the landlord to pay the rent, we were discussing alternate heating options inside the house, and he said he was thinking of propane. I'd mentioned how the stack for the chimney was still installed and it would be awesome if we could put a wood burning stove back in it's place. He'd removed it because he was worried about the previous renters not using it right and it sat in storage a couple years, but we were stoked that he still had it. We were stoked to take it home.

By the time we got the wood burner installed, the power was back on for the most part. It was a couple day process of getting it to working order, outdoor and indoor test runs, building it a pad and getting it in to place, but it was well worth it. We spent yesterday afternoon cutting up and collecting branches from our road that had fallen in the ice storm. it's cottonwood which doesn't have the best aroma coming from the chimney outside, but it burns slow and hot. The cable had come back on around the same time we'd lit the first fire inside, but who needs television when you have flames dancing in your kitchen. We sat with our coffee and tea for hours admiring the heat.

Between not having much work and being thrust into a mini ice-age, this winter has been a very humbling and sobering experience. It's amazing what we take for granted when we have it, and not realize. This experience has reminded me how important it is to be prepared for the seasons and what they may bring. In summer we need to remember to slow down and keep cool, and save as best as we can for the winter [including firewood!]. This coming year we will make different [and hopefully better] choices of our resource allocation, of both moneys and produce. When winter rolls around we have to be keen about being prepared for what ever crazy weather mother nature might bring.

What I've really enjoyed about this winter is the feeling of having gone back in time a century or two, which has been the theme of our experience out here so far. I'd like to continue that trend in as many senses as possible while still maintaining our place in society. It's motivation to become better resourceful as we slide a little further off the grid. The part that's irked me is the lack of funds and our need to be reliant on money. My desire to slide a little further off that grid is strong.

The first five days of the year have been interesting that's for sure. Major triumphs and letdowns, wins and huge losses with impact-full messages, and the year has just begun. This is just the beginning, more to come.. I feel good about this one. Happy 2018 from the cabin on the slough. May 2018 be the best year yet..


xo

October Love.

It's my favourite month of my favourite season, and this may be my favourite October yet. Rainbows, sunflowers, pumpkins and sunsets. I'm sitting in my living room, surrounded in Home. Pumpkins piled around my plants by the window [and on the porch, and everywhere], produce boxes filled with garden treasures, sunflower seeds drying in their trays, cedar, sage, lavender and mint.. and sweet views out my windows.

Which totally makes up for the chaos that my work life has become. Contractor life is very unpredictable at times. Some jobs are nice money makers, others are a near complete loss. We never really know when we'll be paid, so having the garden [and preserving it's goods] has really saved us through. I hope I never have to go another season without a garden. I'm getting good at my new trade, but still I dream of one day making a full-time gig of growing food.

So yeah, about them rainbows.. there's been one [or a few] every day this past week. The weather patterns out here this time of year make them a common occurrence. Cool mornings, a little sun in the afternoon and rain in the evening. The sun sneaks below the rainclouds for a final peek before setting, creating these beautiful rainbows and blazing sunsets. It's just incredible, I feel so blessed to be here to witness it all. This is our first Autumn in the valley, and I'd been looking forward to it.

And the sunflowers! This was my first time having a plot to plant them since Ontario [besides an attempt in a bucket on a balcony], and they grew to be giants here. The seeds I've been carrying since I'd planted the first handful [unknowingly] on the day my mother had passed. these were the last of that crop, and now I can save the seeds from these ones and continue on with the strain.

The best seeds from the biggest flowers will be kept for next season. The rest, delicious snacks! The seeds from this mammoth are big enough to cover my thumbnail. I'm hoping by spring we can find a place to plant a bit of a sunflower field. They do well enough on their own, and love arid conditions, so there may be a seed-bombing in our near-ish future.

And these pumpkins.. It's pretty safe to say I'm obsessed. I love growing them, and looking at them, I love their smell and colour and texture, I love pumpkin pie it's my absolute favourite! And soup and roasted pumpkin seeds too. So next year, more pumpkins. Their patch must be updated, as this year's attempt was a last minute one. They need better soil and more space to grow.

In the spring we plan to turn, amend, and hopefully mulch their entire bed. This year we just dug little circles to plant the seeds and let the vines sprawl around through the grass, but as soon as they became too big to trim between, the grass took over. Next time they'll have much more space. And we'll likely have many more varieties. I love our little microfarm.

...

This year out here in the valley changed my life. It made me realize that dreams can and do come true. That some chances, though scary, are worth taking. That a vagabond can find a home. And that perseverance pays off. Once I had finally begun to find my footings out here on the west coast, it was a huge risk to move out to the country. I didn't know if I could keep working the jobs I'd had once I moved, or if I'd find other work if i couldn't. But I moved out anyways.

And I did have to quit both my jobs. And I did find other work, doing something I'd never thought I would get into. So here I am, in my dream place, making it happen. It feels damn good.

The only thing missing is my [friends and] family. I have made new friends out here, but it's this time of year I really miss everyone back home. Even when I spent months wandering with a rucksack on my back wherever I could make it to, I always made a point to make it home for the holidays.

No matter where I've ended up, it's always been in the back of my head that if things don't go well, I can always go home and start again. But I never really pondered what would happen if things did go well. I suppose I wasn't expecting to last this long out here without returning to my homelands for more than just a visit. I guess I never really thought about how it might feel to be so far away from everyone when they're gathered for a legendary turkey dinner, and I'm out here contemplating what I'm going to do with a holiday Monday.

Probably load up the boat and go fishing. My new BC holiday tradition.

...

That garden tho. Seriously. It's hard to worry about anything too much when I'm standing there overlooking my edible landscape masterpiece, admiring a mountain sunset. Knowing that I've found my place, land that I can grow on, and a community I can thrive within. It's hard to miss a place I love but can't stand to live in, when I'm in a place like this.

I'm so thankful for every minute of it.

That said, if you're reading this, Happy Thanksgiver. Please know that even though I can't be close to you, you're always in my thoughts. They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I believe that to be true. Not that I didn't love you all before, but being so far away for so long, I've learned a whole different appreciation for the important people in my life. I'm thankful to have you in my life. My friends and family [same diff amirite?] are my lifeline and I know I wouldn't still be here if i didn't have your love and support. Cheers to you this turkey day, and every day. All the love.


xo

Summer Daze.

What the hell is wrong with me? I mean, I know what's wrong with me, and I know what I have to do about it, but I just... don't. I make excuses. I don't have the time or energy to take better care of myself. Yet if I made the time, I'd have the energy!

This past year has been one of the best of my life. I met my amazing partner (the one my mother described to me but I didn't believe existed), I finally started driving, I moved to a beautiful place where I have a monster garden, surrounded by lakes and mountains that I enjoy fishing and exploring.. and yet here I am, feeling like a piece of shit.

I have made a little bit of progress since my last post though. I'm working on my anxiety. I suppose I've been stuck in that "too good to be true" mentality for so long that my mind tricks me into believing that it's real. That if everything is good, there must be something happening behind the scenes that's out to get me.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all easy and sunshine and rainbows, it's hard work to maintain this lifestyle and at times, shit happens. And like in any relationship, there's personal histories on both sides that make it difficult at times to relate. But overall, I couldn't have imagined myself being in a better situation. This is my opportunity to better myself and I don't want it to go to waste.

My partner and I walked down to the slough yesterday to pick blackberries, when out of the blue my good friend from back home (who I regard as my little sister) messaged me to tell me she had purchased a juicer. She said that I had always been an inspiration when it comes to healthy living. It was in that moment that I truly realized I had let myself down. I felt guilty that I could inspire someone else to make healthy lifestyle choices when I myself am fully failing in that department. What a wakeup call.

Summer is nearly over. I thought that by moving out here I'd finally be in a position to do what needs doing to get my health in order. It's been 6 months. I'd imagined myself being a lot healthier by now, and having the energy to enjoy all the goodness that is surrounding me.

It. Is. Time.

movin' to the country... maybe?

Well, we put a deposit on a tiny home out in the country, down by the river we love to fish. Literally, waterfront property for cheaper than it is to rent a room in downtown Vancouver. It's a decent drive to get out to, but given the general lack of population out in that direction, it actually takes less time to drive to Van than it does from where we are right now. If all goes accordingly, we get the keys in 2 weeks. If not, we have a very tangible representation of what exactly we're looking for in a home, and the sacrifices we're willing to make to have it.

We pulled up to a little white farmhouse on a dead end gravel road out in the country. The sun was setting, the sky was pastel purple and cotton candy pink against the mountains powdered white. Snow geese had congregated on the partially frozen river across the street. There were various bird watchers and photographers pulled off the side of the road to observe them, and the abundance of eagles scouring the river for a meal.

The wind whipped through the valley, blistering cold. As the sun sank back behind the mountains, our smiles grew. This could be our home sweet view. Just imagine what this place would be like in the summer we thought... a dream come true.

How did I even find such a place? By pure chance. I was daydreaming about tiny homes when the apartment hunting topic came up. Neither of us really wanted an apartment. We thought about basement suites to not be in a building, I was even searching for low priced modular homes and if I could swing a down payment. For curiosity sake, I refined my search to farm houses in the valley, and there it was, the only one that was even remotely close enough for us to keep our jobs, yet far enough away to get 'out there'. And cheap. Real cheap.

The posting had been active for 20 days and had a few hundred hits, I thought there's no way it's still available. But I called. The owner answered and rushed me off the phone without mention of it's availability,  and told me to call back later.

I had no expectations after that. When the phone rang I was surprised to say the least. He had a story about the last tenant breaking his trust and that he was being very picky this time around. He had several calls about the house, but didn't like the feeling he had from any of them.

We met yesterday so that I can apply for the place. I'm not sure yet if we will be approved, and I don't want to get too ecstatic until the keys are in hand. But if this house becomes our home, both our lives will be changed.

Thankfully, for this, the coldest winter the west coast has seen in 24 years,  we have been housed in my partner's family trailer. Fully equipped with a decent kitchen, a huge hot water tank, cable TV and the Internet, and a five minute drive to anything we could possibly need. Right in the heart of the city. Shared space with his elders, who often cook us hot meals upon return from a long day of work.

As soon as we get out there, we're on our own. We will have our own kitchen which is a plus, but as of this moment, we have nothing to make use of it. We're starting from scratch. We don't have a stick of furniture to our names, not even a bed.

We will have no huge hot water tank, no internet or cable. Anything we need will require a trip to town. Our cupboards will need to be fully stocked, even our drinking water will need to be supplied from an outside source. It's a good thing we like camping, because besides the roof over our heads, this move will be like camping out full time.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here. I don't even know if it's ours yet. But it's nice to dream. Of a simple life at the end of the road where city lights don't spoil the night sky. Where the mountains are our backdrop and the river is our neighbour. Where wildlife is a more common sight than other humans. It'd be nice.

change- the only constant. [part.1]

I know I've said it a million times... be careful what you wish for, it might just happen. A couple posts ago I was complaining about how my commercial landscaping gig is killing me, and that I should be looking for something else to fill up my work week. That day I'd ended up taking off to go to the doctor as the heat was overwhelming, I was having a hard time recovering after each day out in the field. The following Monday it had finally cooled off. I had come to terms with my job situation and decided that I'd stick it out, considering there's only 6 weeks out of the year that the heat is unbearable. I'd just find ways to cope and carry on.

My boss and I were raking up at the end of the day, and we were talking about our health situations. She's been dealing with some issues for a long time and had told me back when I was first hired that she was going to grow the company and hire more labourers so that she could get out of the field in the next few years. A visit to her specialist threw a wrench in her plans. The state of her health is declining so rapidly that she was advised to stop working in the field ASAP as it's doing further damage. She can't stand the idea of sitting in an office, so she decided that this is it, this year will be the last season before she sells it off. So regardless of my decision to stick it out, I'll be finding other means of making money come the end of the year.

We discussed other ways to rack up some loot. She was considering getting back out on the road to chase forest fires and collect the mushrooms that come to follow. Or pinecone collecting, recycling, anything to make money on one's own time. She was throwing all these ideas at me and telling me that I should consider doing the same thing. Otherwise I'll end up like her, breaking myself to make a bit of cash. Living paycheck to paycheck simply isn't worth the damage that this line of work does to your body over time. I've got to figure it out.. there's two more months til the end of the season then I'm on my own. Again.

This is my 6th job in two years. I know I said I was retired and all when I left Ontario, but money needs to be made. I suppose I was simply retiring from the monotony of city living, from being employed by the same company for over a decade. Retiring from the idea that one needs a long standing steady career to get by in this life. I've already been living an unconventional lifestyle for years, so I may as well come up with some unconventional ways to make money. What to do, what to do.. I'm brainstorming ideas for this coming spring.

Some people find security in the idea of having a long term career to retire from, a pension, a mortgage or a lease.. I've never felt very secure in those kinds of situations. Every time I try to conform to that sort of lifestyle, I lose my shit. I feel far more comfortable and secure in the idea of being free to go with the flow. Change with the seasons, move on to wherever I need to be. It's not always easy to keep up to a pre-determined work schedule based on someone else's time when you don't know where you'll be crashing or camping out from one day to the next, or how the weather will be and what gear you'll need ahead of time. It's time to convert the money-making part of my life to match the living situation. Permanence in transience. The only constant is change.

time to fly.

 
eleven hours from now i'll be at the airport. i wasn't really expecting to be going home any time soon. the circumstances i'm still having a hard time believing. the loss of such an amazing friend, father, brother to so many.. and husband to an equally amazing, loving wife. the two of them are one of a kind. i guess it was his time to fly. so i'm flying home to say goodbye.


or see ya later..

i'm at a loss for words really. what can i say? there's not enough words, or the right ones.. he was a gentle hearted fella with a warrior spirit. his love for life and his kids and his wife was always apparent and abundant. more than just a give you the shirt off his back kinda guy, the help you move with his minivan in a heartbeat kinda man [even if he could barely move himself].. he truly was a brother and a good friend to many hearts.

i'm often reminded of a conversation we had a good many years ago. i was telling him about how frequent and crazy vivid my deja vu experiences are. and how on the odd occasion i'd know something already that i could have never known before that deja vu moment. i asked him what it meant. i knew he'd have the kind of answer i was looking for.


he: so basically, those moments are significant somehow. a sort of sign that you're on the right path.
me: even when shit's fucked up?
he: *chuckles* even when shit's fucked up. i hate to say the old cliche, 'everything happens for a reason' but..
me: everything happens in it's time.
he: exactly.


i had a really strange and fleeting deja vu moment while talking with a friend about the garden and when i realized it, i recited the above conversation. i found out about an hour later he was gone.

so many incredible people have been taken from us in the past short span. it's hard to try and find the reason, or believe it was their time. but we are bluntly reminded not to take our days for granted. to love and live like any one of 'em could be our last. celebrate the small things. don't sweat the big ones. smile. have cake for breakfast every once in a while. enjoy all the good stuff this crazy life is made of.

rest easy papa Clay. we're gonna miss you man. we already do.
lots of love.

xo

thank you to everyone who has extended a hand to get me home. thank you to all the kind folks who have sent funds to help support his family and take care of things in this time of incredible loss. your kindness is a blessing.

no stress

pshh yeah right. i'm trying. realllly really trying not to stress. it's literally what's eating me. i've been on my own more or less since high school and i've always been really conscious of my financial situation and staying employed, even when i travel. i'm now in the worst financial state i've ever been in, and i can't really work full-time right now.

i broke the bank, and i broke meself. i can stretch the rest of my income from the spring to get me through til the end of this month, which works perfectly as i need the time to heal. but i pretty much need to find work immediately in July to keep a roof over my head, my shit in storage, and my credit in good standing. oh yeah, and like.. eat and stuff. and i'm having a hard time getting it out of my head so i can just relax and do what i gotta do.

i'm not typically one to worry too hard about a place to live, don't usually have one for long when i get one, evade leases like the plague. for right now though, in order to ensure i have a proper chance at getting my health back in order, i need this. i know it isn't going to last forever and i have no idea how long til it ends but i have to stop over thinking. it is what it is right now. i have a kitchen and running water and electricity that i can make use of in all the ways i need to to getr done.

spent the morning spending what little i have left right now collecting some the tools. i busted out the hand crank juice press and made a delicious mix of veg and fruit juice. probably the most satisfying thing i've sipped in a couple years. i forgot how much i loved this shit. healthy and delicious is a thing! went and grabbed a cheap immersion blender for all the soups, a big ass bucket to grow some sunflowers in, and some mason jars to seal in the freshness. i'm just about set for a relaxing, cleansing month of gardening, patio farming, juicing and healing my wholeness.

yeah i said that.

ultimately i'd like to continue this trend moving forward. i'm kinda done busting ass long hours just to get by. i'd rather just work enough to keep my shit in order, for someone who actually cares, and then spend a lot more time working for myself, and taking care of myself so i can take care of my loved ones and get shit done.

i'd like to make more headway into the lifestyle i've been dancing around all my life. i'm transient, i don't need much, and i love to grow things. next mission: tiny home [on wheels], space to grow, and time to live it. it's really all i need, and all i've ever wanted. oh and someone rad to live it with. that's a thing.

just live. stress free.



i can do this. i gotta write it out to psych myself up, and share it to commit. thanks everyone who reads this shit and kicks my arse into gear. if it wasn't for you cheering me on and checking in i wouldn't be here. literally. imma sit here with my green medicine, and worry about nothing else but the veggie soup stock i got rockin on the stove. work can wait. money can wait. the world can wait. me first. sorry not sorry.


xo

sorry. thanks, too..

i don't even know where to start.

to all you amazing people who have been putting up with my ass while i fell to bits the last couple years, giving zero shits.. i'm sorry. and thanks. you know what for, you know who you are. i fucked up huge, i let myself slip.. emotionally, mentally, physically, financially.. i've been in pretty rough shape. well up to me neck in what-the-fucks. i'm sorry for losing my head. i'm still working on getting it back. sorry to the friends and fams i kinda stopped talking to, i felt i had nothing good to say. sorry for pissing and moaning about the inevitable given my choices. thanks for listening. sorry i've been a real fucking tool the past little while. thanks for loving me anyways.

now about that getting back to the better me. or moving forward rather..
i have one hell of a long path to wander.
but i'm on my way.

i know letting go is a big part of this. letting go of people on several levels, places, things... all the things. oh and the feels too. it ain't easy. especially when those people hold big chunks of your heart. especially when those places are/were the worldly homes of those people. especially when those things belong(ed) to them. and fuck the feels. there's that one thing i have no idea how i should feel about.. the truck. miss Sally.

when i used that there trust for the first time in a while, mixed with a little credit (no, a lot).. things got messy. go team. on one hand i know it was stupid to register my vehicle in someone else's name. i had given it away right then and there. on the other hand even if i didn't, i wouldn't be able to take it back just the same. i do have a heart, obviously. this way i have no choice. i let it go. what else can i do? same as the friendship with the person driving her. and the credit that bought her.. an all around unfortunate set of losses. i fucked up. or did i? guess i'll never know.

i had a hard time with my mother's ashes. i know it's just ash but.. i liked having that physical representation of carrying her. as i did all my life. i wanted to take her to the sea shore below the mountains and set her to the wind this past mother's day. two years that weekend. i lost my shit when i couldn't get at her ashes. i lost my shit even harder when i got my things back and found they were gone. i was off in the head for a bit over that one.

and the slanty shanty too. i miss that house. it was the first place i called 'home' here on this transplanting to the west coast. i squatted there a few times before i finally got a room of my own. unfortunately the friend who lived in there previously had passed on shortly after giving me the place. and that was a hard pill to swallow. so was being forced to leave, when it finally became [beyond] uninhabitable. a couple seasons of camping out and the odd couch it took before i could accept the possibility of a place to call mine. here i am, still sort of adjusting.

speaking of which, thanks to the lovely lady who took me in. an angel, in the flesh. for real. she truly lives up to her name. by supposed random coincidence, she saved the day. and i am so incredibly grateful. i have a home base. still do a lot of camping, by choice instead of necessity. kinda nicer that way.

anyhoo.. i owe a pretty big apology to myself too. dah.. i worked sooo freakin hard to get my health back before i moved out west. it's been on a steady down hill slide since shortly after i got here. i became complacent, i got lazy. i stopped giving a shit, really. i'm pretty sure i found about thirty of the eighty pounds i lost, my kidneys ache constantly and my digestive system refuses to move in the right direction at times. it's time to pay better attention to what i'm putting in me, and take better care of myself. again.

somewhere along the line i stopped believing i was worth it. more like i'm just passing time instead of serving a purpose so i just kinda said fuck it. i felt not so worthy of good things, good feelings... not like me i know. i'm sorry to me for feeling that way. time to pull up me socks and get on with it. i still have a panic attack every now and then, slightly less symptomatic of the PTSD the past month or so, most likely due to far less environmental triggers. having a home base helps immensely, even if it's just a shared flat. i feel like i can finally start to get back on my feet. and i'm taking full advantage of what i've got. i will find my health again. i will get my sexy back. i will not only survive this shit, i will thrive. i will not give up.

i'm thankful for this second [or fifth or sixth] chance at making it out here. in a lot of ways i'm not doing all too well, but in the most important ways right now, i'm doing a lot better. shit gets rough but i'm still in love with life. it never ceases to trip me right the hell out, and bless me with the presence of some crazy rad people. hella sweet views too. and i am eternally blessed to finally find some balance... or rather have the balance find me. thank you. so much.



xo

careful wishes...

i can't even count how many times i've said it the past couple years...
careful what you wish for. it's like manifesting shit right outta the universe, so be careful how you word it, or of your intent.. something like that. anyways..

it was my birthday a couple few weeks ago. i received a generous giftcard in the mail to grab up some food and supplies for the weekend in the bush, and it was insisted that i grab a cake. candles a must too. birthday wishes, it's a thing.

so i did. the day was almost over, one hour til midnight before we finally sparked it up. i was procrastinating. what do i wish? what would i change?

i wished for a do-over. not completely, i never regret a thing, just.. some sort of fresh start knowing what i know. begin again from the beginning with the acquired wisdom of the past couple years out west.

suddenly, everything changed.

and i am truly blessed.

home[less]?

november. i'm not entirely sure how i always end up 'homeless' in the winter, but it happens. here i am. the second last night of october, vancouver was hit with the first big rain storm of the season. as per expected, the roof of the slanty shanty finally fell through. it rained for two days into my bedroom. and almost every day since. i had no choice but to leave. i knew it was only a matter of time..

it's a really good thing that i started to talk to strangers. if i hadn't, this whole 'homeless' thing would be a lot more difficult. i've worked full time off and on for most of my adult life, and been homeless for several long stretches spanning all of the seasons [especially winter], but this is my first time having all of the things at once. the environments are reversed, instead of being homeless outside and working inside, i now work outside and have somehow managed to find a few places that i can crash to cover each night of the week. so far.

that said, it's probably more of a challenge than it was working part time and living outdoors. because i pretty well need an indoor space in between my work days, i have to stash all of my belongings divided equally to correspond with where i am each night, where i'm working the next day, and what i'll need to do so. the biggest part of that of course is dealing with my rain gear. by the end of almost every shift, myself and all of my gear is soaked and full of mud so my top priority is getting clean and dry and ready for the next day. not being in the same place every night makes it difficult at times, especially since my two main crash sites are cities apart.

so is all my stuff. i mean, besides just my work gear... all of my belongings are now spread out over five different houses in four different cities in two different provinces, and a pickup truck. oh yeah, i bought a truck. with the sudden failure of my dwelling timing out with the sudden failure of my partner's vehicle, it made most sense to me to just buy a truck right away instead of waiting until spring. the original plan was to wait until the next time i go to ontario, buy a truck there, load it with all of my things and drive it back. i have to get my driver's permit updated before i can do all of that, at least now i have a vehicle to do my road test in when the time comes. that time being my layoff period, which is another factor in the game. soon enough i'll be floating without a source of income for any given amount of time, living on hope and a prayer once again.

and not because i'm 'homeless'... i am home.

now back to the headline. i was sitting on the drive next to my streetkid friend at one of his regular spots, as i have several times before for hours at a time, and for some reason this last time was the first time i noticed this giant sign [that's apparently been there forever] that reads "how do you define 'home'?" i was baffled. had it really been there the whole time? anyways.. home is where i'm at. it's my best friend's kitchen floor, it's under a hat, attached to some backpack straps, a forum on the internet, a particular park bench.

even when i had a place of my own, i've always essentially lived out of my backpack. only difference now, that backpack is a little heavier than when i had my own dwelling. i'm like a turtle, i carry my home around with me. sea turtle. just 'cause. that said, despite shit seeming utterly crazy from the outside, and there's far more insanity to the story than my living situation, i'm actually for the most part quite comfortable with the [potential] arrangement. unfortunately pretty well all of the people closest to me are suffering some sort of unfortunate living situation, tragedy or health malady. me too.. i gotta get myself fixed up soon. i'm no good to anyone else if i'm falling apart myself. all i want to do is help. and i am. me next. i gotta quit smoking, that's for absolute sure. one of my many 'home's is this vessel. i'd like to find a dwelling someday soon, it'd make improving my health a lot easier. in the meantime i have to figure out ways to start the process despite my situation.

anyhoo, the saga continues. december soon come..

it's all so... 2015

phh blog fail. it's been over a month since i last hit this thing, but hey what can i say.. shit's been crazy. i'm still having a hard time making words for how i feel about it all, there really aren't any that fit the picture. but i'll giver a shot. where do i start...? let's try where i left off..

first of all, i'm glad i've managed to keep this thing going. a good friend reminded me the other day that it's nice to have something to look back at to 'remind myself how strong i can be when shit gets too real', and i think i can't handle it. i'm certainly blessed to have the friends that i do, you're likely reading this, so thank you. i promise to remember not to forget. ha. i still think blogging is really fuckin weird, but for some reason you freaks wanna read what i have to say, and it's kinda neat to write it so..

alright then. december.. this was my first 'holiday season' away from the home base. no matter what or where i was, i always made it back in time for mom's birthday, seven days before the solstice. this time i decided to stay away. an interesting perspective gained on the whole 'christmas' thing. though i always kinda had a hate on for it for a bunch of different reasons, being so far removed from it all allowed me to really feel out the parts that bother me. and appreciate the parts that i missed.. or should i say miss the parts that i appreciate.

holidays were always a clusterfuck of obligations and emotions that seem almost pointless given it's a season meant to be reserved for joy and sharing and family celebrations. and of course my mother couldn't handle it, both the loneliness and the not-so-joyous memories from every christmas before.. i couldn't blame her. this year none of that applied to me. i'm too far away to get caught up in the circus, too broke to send any gifts, and my mother is finally at peace. the parts i miss are having conversations and laughs with my folks by the fireplace with some baileys, chillin with my awesome baby bro, the sudden influx of random home baked goods, and seeing everyone i hadn't for a year.. watching children grow like weeds. these moments will only happen when i can make them, when i have a minute to run away home.

this year i was on my own. no plans, no obligations, just go with the flow. which led to spending christmas eve with a good friend trippin around the city, visiting the other misfits, and later stumbling home in deep appreciation of the lack of blustering winds and zero feet of snow. i really, really love the 'winter' here. i had already accepted the fact that christmas day would be all mine to do with what i please, i and i alone. and of course, in the least likely of places and with very unexpected timing i managed to make a friend. how fitting. presence is a gift..

then 2015 hit. BEEP BOOP!! a sudden awakening reminder that life rarely goes according to plan, everything can change in an instant, and things always happen in their time. i knew when i settled in to this little groove of having a job and living under a roof that there was a very good chance it was all temporary, and here i am. i handed in my keys today, finished stashing all my shit this past week, ditched out on the job that was wearing me down and picked up my ticket for the next whirlwind of craziness. i'm about to end up right back where i started only this time much lighter in more ways than one.

no regrets. i needed a minute. sometimes you just fuckin need a minute. i didn't come here to slave my ass off for a minimum wage, spend all my weekends holed up in a cave, and end up in a miserable rut like the old one in a new place. hell no. i came here to simply uproot. to unplug. reset. just another one of those kids who went west for vacation and forgot to go home. home is here now where i'm at. somewhere and nowhere in particular. enjoying a little random adventure, good company and a healthy dose of recklessness before deciding what it is i'm going to do with myself.

the best and maybe scariest part is, i have no fucking clue what's going to happen. in just about every aspect of my life. i put off buying my bus ticket for as long as i could to postpone feeling obligated to leave at a specific time. there's only so much i can do to set myself up here before i leave, so my hands are tied. i miss the shit outta my family and friends but the idea of going back there right now is making me anxious. it's like the last goodbye for some truly unknown amount of time, plus closing up shop, and liberating pieces of my past both physical and not.. basically a three week long get'r done style 'welcome back, see ya later' party. it's gonna be one hell of a journey.

and then coming back west.. my original plan had me simply on leave from that job, but it was really affecting me, i'm too damn old for the night shift. i had to give it up. missing out on a social life was starting to get at me too. ditching the job meant ditching the room i was renting, which at first was nerve racking. full blown panic mode for a minute there.. i'm over it. as much as i'd love a little stability, right now might not be the moment. i'll accept that. for now. i kinda feel like i'm ten years old again, shit just got real, and i have no idea what i'm doing. moments are more vivid, time lost it's relevance, and i can't for the life of me remember what day it is.

what is this kitchen? cheque please..

Selfish.

i suppose it's about time. it took me a really long time to realize [and a bunch of people telling me] that a lot of what i do with myself is to the benefit of others before [or at least as well as] myself. but i rarely just do something for me. examples? well...

just about everything... i travelled for myself, but i came back out of guilt. i share living accommodations, and when i do, most usually i consider everyone in the house's comfort and convenience before my own. i take the smaller [or crappier] room, i most usually end up cleaning up after more than just myself, and somehow assume responsibility eventually. maintaining rooming houses for my homies to have homes... even at work when i delegate tasks i give them to the people that i think would like them most and do the crappy jobs myself. when sharing meals i [used to, not so much anymore] accommodate to the others' taste regardless if the food would make me feel like crap. all that said, of course there's no regrets, some incredible lessons and experiences for sure. point is, i never woke up to all this until recently.

today a conversation with a friend really hit it home. "will you come back for Matt?" she asked about my leaving the province. my answer, no. no i'm not going to come back for anyone but myself. i'll be back when i'm done with that part of my journey. i've been doing so many things with other people in mind, i rarely think of myself. i've been so bogged down by guilt to even realize i have nothing to feel guilty about, and it's okay to do things for me sometimes. i am learning to love myself enough to take better interest in my personal well-being. what do i want with my heart? i'll do that. life is too short to daydream about the things i wish i was doing. i'm almost thirty now, and i'm glad it didn't take me any longer to figure it out.

the greatest part is, eventually, once i get myself figured out, i'll be in a way better position to help others. when i find my health, when i get into the field of work that has fully consumed my interests and dreams.. it will actually benefit those that i care about. and i'm on my way.

i'm glad i finally let go of the lifestyle that i have outgrown. it's not easy once you become comfortable. i used to hate the idea of working full-time 'for the man', and now departing from this way of life [though i'm excited] feels strange. i have no definite plans right now, and for right now that's what i need. lately opportunities and connections that i fancy have been coming to me, which tends to happen when i learn to let go. i always forget this until the next time. maybe now that i've written it down i'll learn faster.

so, that's it. this is me, doing stuff for myself. i will get healthy. i will get fit. i will learn to live and grow more things sustainably. then pass it on. each one teach one.

What is this kitchen?

i'm standing in it, and still i'm not so sure.

days don't pass the way they used to. something is different, they don't fly by at work anymore, they drag. every moment takes forever, and there's too much time to wonder what i'm doing. i mean, i know what i'm doing at work, maybe that's the problem. it's too easy. so easy i don't really want to do it anymore. don't get me wrong, i love what i do and who i work with, i appreciate full-time employment which is hard to come by in these parts. but right now, at this point in my life it's not for me.

i've been wondering for a while what i can do about it. take a step this way and that, seeking options, hunting opportunities.. embracing the idea of change. i signed up for driving school to get the next degree of driver's permit, i built a resume for the first time in 11 years. i had a plan. get the job on the powertrain, get a truck, bank half my pay, go to school. a very straight-forward, getr done, five year plan. solid auto-pilot routine to certain success.

now that i'm ready for change, i don't think that's the change i need. at least i came to the realization that i wanted something different, at least i took those forward steps to getting out of the trance i'm in. it's good to have a resume, to know what you can do. and now that i've made peace with the idea of parting with what i'm doing right now, i'm in a perfect state of mind to do what i really want to do. what is that?

to live.

i think.... i think i've been spending too much time thinking. too many numbers, too much paper, adding, subtracting, budgeting for the next pay... all good things to do to keep yourself in line. but i think right now it's the lines i'm having trouble with. my mind won't let me sleep at night, it needs a vacation. and by that i mean, more than a week away to collect my thoughts, i need however long it takes to feel human again.

there's something not sitting right with me right now, about the idea of devoting so much of my time to running on autopilot through my life to save up money to buy myself a sure and determinate future. there's something that seems strange about saving up to pay an institution to teach me things i can learn out there for free. and to struggle to get by, just to save a bunch more money to pay for a sunny vacation to get away from this automated life. as much as i appreciate the travel and the great company i'd have there, that saved money right now can be better spent on an adventure that lasts a little longer than a slotted seven days.

i'm hungry for change, for learning, for doing something new. i long for fresh mountain springs, for the ocean, and the giant red cedar forest and it's delicious air. i long for freedom from the automated environment that i'm currently in, to get my hands dirty in new soil, a new path to wander. i have arrived, i am home, my destination is in each step. the sage vagabond is unretired. time to dust off the rucksack and move along.


...

in the meantime, i have been given some of my time back, some moments.. meaning and deep reflection seep back into each day, every step in the garden, each raindrop that lands on my head. as i prepare for departure i weigh the value and necessity of each possession. what can i do or make or sell to gather some funds for travel and make space in my garage.. what do i need to let go of before i step out of the picture for a while and into a new and changing landscape. it's time to pack that rucksack.. let the countdown begin.