Eastward bound

 I started to write this blog post a couple months ago. I haven't written since May. I knew big things were happening. I could feel the impending change.

Last time I wrote, my world was shaky. My job no longer secure- both for lack of materials, and the physical strength to install them. Realizing that I'm no longer physically capable of many job things I could do before was a blow to the psyche. I knew I'd have to figure something out. I didn't know that once I had decided I was done, the universe would align almost immediately.

It never looks good in the moment. It's always an intense, sudden uncomfortable event that kicks me into motion. Discomfort makes us move. It's necessary, the biggest motivator. I found myself at my breaking point. I had to make the hard decision to walk away from the life I'd built up but could no longer handle.

There were other factors at play in my decision. After years of struggling to convince my partner to take a little bit of the responsibility weight off my shoulders, it finally did me in. The constant stressors that came with our lifestyle falling mostly on me shortened my burnout time. I reached it rather quickly- and then decided to try and drag myself along anyways. Until that moment on that one fateful day.

Thanks to covid delays, like thousands of others, not all of our permits were up to date. We were stopped on a routine check and told we could no longer drive the van until it was dealt with. We still had a 4 month wait. There's no way.. it's not impossible but it's certainly not easy living in a semi remote community without driving. That was the last straw. That bit of weight shifted enough to tip the scale. Instead of feeling angry and upset, I felt relieved that the choice had been made easy. I got my sign.


A few days later I'd set the date. Seven years was a long time to be anywhere for me. I never realized how deeply I wanted this change. It seems like going backwards. But after this long, and maybe just in general.. sometimes you have to take a big step back to continue to move forward. And I don't feel the least bit upset about it.

Don't get me wrong, it was a wonderful thing to experience being out there. I made great friends, had a million beautiful experiences, I learned a lot of stuff about things, and of myself. But it was long past due for my departure. I had to balance getting rides to the city for work and shipping my life to the east coast for the remainder of my time out there. It's a blur. Most of it was left there with my intent to return. But that didn't exactly go the way we thought it would either.

Shortly after my departure, the impending disaster that was the farm quickly unfurled. As the heat continued to be outrageous and the fires socking the valley in with smoke, the well system on the farm finally failed. A month has passed, and with several failed attempts to make the repair, we were left with no choice but to disband the farm. All of the animals are in the process of being rehomed, and our materials moving to neighbouring homesteads.

My belongings are still in the farmhouse. The moment I left I had to mentally write it all off as though it burned up in the fires. In order to get my head around leaving everything out there, I made a plan for my return to deal with it. I might not get the chance before the premises are vacated. But that was the point of letting it go. Just in case. I'm hoping it will be safely stored up the road until the world settles down a minute about this covid shit. It would be an easy flight out and back to ship it homeward if it wasn't for that. Hindsight and whatnot. At least I thought to put it all together before I left..

So I'm here. There's still a pandemic happening through which my timing to switch provinces was pretty on point. It was about as 'open' as the country had been this whole time, and shit shut down again pretty quickly not long after. I'm trying to enjoy the blessings in the moment without being overtaken by worry and guilt about leaving the farm in the middle of everything.

I had help writing a resume for the first time in years and I'm starting over to find a job. Pretty well back to where I started. In a room in a basement in my hometown on foot. It's kind of crazy to think about after everything.. that said, it's somehow been the best summer. I really missed my people. My place.. the comfort of knowing no matter what, I'm safe. I just need a minute to rest here a little.

two year Vaniversary

Two years. Honestly, I didn't foresee myself still being here by now.. I'm not one to stay anywhere long. It's definitely been anything but boring. When I arrived here off the greyhound bus, I didn't really have much of a plan. I stayed with a good friend from back home, wandered around the city, and took off to the island to visit for a while. At that point I had no idea what I was doing or where I'd end up.

A lot of people move here from the east. A lot. Not many end up staying though.. at least of those I've known. It can be difficult to make a life for yourself if you don't really know anyone, or have any sort of resources lined up before you arrive. I was very lucky to have a place to crash right away, and every step from there has been a challenge and a blessing.

The first job i picked up quickly, I was pretty much hired the day I applied. I worked in one of Canada's biggest grocery warehouses receiving enormous trailer loads of fresh food orders. Graveyard shift. It used to be my favourite hours to work, but my internal clock no longer agrees. I worked through fall and winter, lived in an international hostel all the while, until I had to get on a bus back east to deal with the bit of mess I left behind.

The bus i'd taken back nearly rolled off a mountain pass in a snowstorm, and you better believe my whole life up until that moment flashed before my eyes. I'd decided then that my westward journey was not about to be over. Go take care of everything I'd set out to, and return as soon as I could. The average temperature was minus 20 degrees celsius the whole time I was in Ontario. It reminded my quickly what I wasn't stoked on about the climate back home.

As I was on my way back west I received a text saying a room had opened up in the slanty shanty. I was pretty stoked. As soon as I arrived I parked my luggage in my new room and started seeking out another job. Within minutes of applying online I was hired as a merchandiser for a hardware store. I told them right away no Wednesdays for me, I've got some gardening to do.

I kept it up until I found other outdoor work. By the end of summer I was rocking two landscaping jobs [with some pretty sweet views] and enjoying the slanty shanty home base. There was plenty of front porch chillin and days of cribbage to be played. Autumn came quick and so did the rain. Halloween night, the heavy rain washed away what was left of the shingles over my bedroom. I had to leave [and find a way to dry all my things out] immediately. With few options, a line of credit and a friend in a similar situation, I threw down on a pickup truck. The road became our home.

Winter was adventure time. I got to know the lower mainland and the mountains and valleys beyond from the passenger seat. The backroads map book became my friend. We found mud and snow and mountains to ascend and plenty of places to camp. One spot in particular became our mountain base camp. After several consecutive weeks of returning we had built furniture, a tipi to keep the firewood dry, and cleaned up the surrounding area. Once spring came and my employment insurance ran out, I moved back to town with my tent to get back to working full time, and left the truck to my friend. He built up the camp further and took care of it so there was always that place to go back to. Definately one of my favourite spots, and one of the few places on this end of the country that I felt I could call 'home'.

Shortly thereafter I was taken in by an Angel, and was granted some floor space to use during the work week. I still make use of that space [and enjoy her company] a couple nights a week, couch hop, and log plenty of hours at my partner's family trailer home renovating for the rest. Needless to say, I keep busy.

Regardless of the scenery, I do believe there's no way I would have stuck it out if it wasn't for all the people I'd met along the way. There's so many to be thankful for.. The two lovely ladies that I work with half the week, my crazy and amazing friends from the streets, the fella I hit the road with [and his sweet, beautiful dog], my rad as f*ck partner in crime, all the homies that come and go, and of course my good friend and brother that convinced me to come back out here in the first place. Let's not forget all my friends and fams back home looking out for me, and encouraging me not to give up.. for all and all of you, I am blessed. I wouldn't be who I am, or where I am without you.

Two years down, many lessons learned, and many more to go I'm sure.
Thanks for reading. And thanks for the company.

summerary...

So, I've been mobile again since my return from the east. It happens. That said, I really haven't had a minute to sit down at a computer, thus I'm [finally] attempting to write from my phone. Seems to be working so far..

That week of flight took me right out of the grind for a much needed moment, even though it was to say a sad goodbye. I found a moment to say an awakening hello to my-self. I was forced to consider what it is I really want from this life, and what I'm willing to do to make it happen.

I've never had an easy time making decisions, mostly because I'm never exactly sure of what it is that I want. Finally, after almost 13 years bombing around this country aimlessly, I'm starting to figure myself out.

As far as calling someplace home, I've been trying to settle into that idea for years. At least I've got it narrowed down to my province of choice. I'd been procrastinating since I came out here about switching over my provincial identification, and I finally made the move a couple months ago. Had I not, I likely would have panicked at the time of my good friend's passing and rushed [regrettably] back to my hometown. As much as I do miss everyone, and wish I could be closer to home, I know I'd miss it out here too much, and spend my nights lying awake wondering what I could have done with myself if I'd just stuck it out.

Which brings me to my next big self-learning realization.. what to do for a living. I learned a few times over since I've been here that I'm long done with the big box warehouse and retail scene. Even in a garden center it just didn't work for me. I finished out the season last year doing mostly commercial landscaping, and though I wasn't fully keen on it at the time, I figured it's better than what I was doing. But I didn't get called back this year, so I had a little more time to think things through. I picked up more residential gardening work which is what I love doing, but it's only a couple days a week. I found another commercial landscaping company to fill the remaining three days, but the work plus the weather is killing me.

I'm glad I picked up more gardening in my down time. It gave me an opportunity to make it my priority, having other jobs working around my schedule instead of fighting to get them to work around mine. Slowly but surely, I'm taking control of my future career situation. Taking my time and learning along the way. Now if I could just figure out what to do for work the rest of my week that doesn't kill me, keeps me afloat financially, and doesn't take up every day of my time. I'm done working weekends, that's my time for me.

Enough about work. That's pretty much what I've been up to all summer. Funny I spent all winter out there venturing around, and vacation season busting ass. I need a balance. I'm going to sink if I don't figure it out soon. It's important that I get my health back in order. Reduce stress. Enjoy life. All the things. I'm thankful to have met someone this summer who keeps me in check. We enjoy the little bits of time we have together and work away the rest.

That's about all I got for now. I'm still here, making it through somehow. I have arrived, I am home.

out there

as the sun set for the night, I did a walk around the campsite collecting twigs to add to the coals for light. one by one the stars appeared as the sky cleared up between the mountains. stoking the flames I hadn't noticed how dark it was until I walked back to the truck, awestruck by the beautiful night sky. the longer I stood there the more I could see... I swear I could make out the fuzzy shapes far away galaxies.

last night was the coldest, and yet the most enjoyable. I started training for my new job, but it's only a couple days a week for now until I'm in my position. that lends us a night or two a week to camp out a little further away from town. this spot was our favorite so far, just off a dead end road close to a provincial park. no traffic, no light pollution, no sounds but the river and the frogs.

it hasn't been incredibly easy, i'll be honest. though my ptsd is getting easier to deal with, there's still moments of great anxiety. overall, the situation has given my mind something to focus on minute by minute to keep me occupied. my truck mate on the other hand has quite a few challenges of his own. his mental strength helps to keep me together, but his physical pain makes it hard on him to be comfortable most of the time. we do our best for one another to make the most of a seemingly shitty situation. having Stella as our furry companion is a blessing for all. 

after the first week, we're starting to nail down a system. not having a set schedule yet, and all the appointments we have makes each day it's own challenge and adventure. every step of the day from breakfast to rest takes strategic planning, good timing and a little luck to bring it all together. sometimes it's a parking lot, sometimes we can make full camp, collect wood and water and wander around. 

...

I had my first hot shower today for a few, and i'm sitting on a couch as I write. we're borrowing some facilities for the next couple hours until we head out again for the night. I can't even explain in words how amazing that shower felt, or how comforting it was to put on my sweater fresh out of the dryer, or how much of a relief on my hips it is to be sitting on this big comfy chesterfield instead of a lawn chair or the cold steel box of the truck. it doesn't seem like much, but these little breaks are essential for morale. 

this post is scattered as my mind. I don't have much time left here, but I wanted to write down what I could while I have wifi and a minute to charge my phone. I'm hoping the rain will stop during daylight today to give me a chance to further organize and dry out the damp bedding. between condensation and a few minor leaks, staying dry is our biggest challenge. all the things in garbage bags and tarps.

that's about all I can squeeze out for now. and the dryer is cuing me to move along. the adventure continues...

home[less]?

november. i'm not entirely sure how i always end up 'homeless' in the winter, but it happens. here i am. the second last night of october, vancouver was hit with the first big rain storm of the season. as per expected, the roof of the slanty shanty finally fell through. it rained for two days into my bedroom. and almost every day since. i had no choice but to leave. i knew it was only a matter of time..

it's a really good thing that i started to talk to strangers. if i hadn't, this whole 'homeless' thing would be a lot more difficult. i've worked full time off and on for most of my adult life, and been homeless for several long stretches spanning all of the seasons [especially winter], but this is my first time having all of the things at once. the environments are reversed, instead of being homeless outside and working inside, i now work outside and have somehow managed to find a few places that i can crash to cover each night of the week. so far.

that said, it's probably more of a challenge than it was working part time and living outdoors. because i pretty well need an indoor space in between my work days, i have to stash all of my belongings divided equally to correspond with where i am each night, where i'm working the next day, and what i'll need to do so. the biggest part of that of course is dealing with my rain gear. by the end of almost every shift, myself and all of my gear is soaked and full of mud so my top priority is getting clean and dry and ready for the next day. not being in the same place every night makes it difficult at times, especially since my two main crash sites are cities apart.

so is all my stuff. i mean, besides just my work gear... all of my belongings are now spread out over five different houses in four different cities in two different provinces, and a pickup truck. oh yeah, i bought a truck. with the sudden failure of my dwelling timing out with the sudden failure of my partner's vehicle, it made most sense to me to just buy a truck right away instead of waiting until spring. the original plan was to wait until the next time i go to ontario, buy a truck there, load it with all of my things and drive it back. i have to get my driver's permit updated before i can do all of that, at least now i have a vehicle to do my road test in when the time comes. that time being my layoff period, which is another factor in the game. soon enough i'll be floating without a source of income for any given amount of time, living on hope and a prayer once again.

and not because i'm 'homeless'... i am home.

now back to the headline. i was sitting on the drive next to my streetkid friend at one of his regular spots, as i have several times before for hours at a time, and for some reason this last time was the first time i noticed this giant sign [that's apparently been there forever] that reads "how do you define 'home'?" i was baffled. had it really been there the whole time? anyways.. home is where i'm at. it's my best friend's kitchen floor, it's under a hat, attached to some backpack straps, a forum on the internet, a particular park bench.

even when i had a place of my own, i've always essentially lived out of my backpack. only difference now, that backpack is a little heavier than when i had my own dwelling. i'm like a turtle, i carry my home around with me. sea turtle. just 'cause. that said, despite shit seeming utterly crazy from the outside, and there's far more insanity to the story than my living situation, i'm actually for the most part quite comfortable with the [potential] arrangement. unfortunately pretty well all of the people closest to me are suffering some sort of unfortunate living situation, tragedy or health malady. me too.. i gotta get myself fixed up soon. i'm no good to anyone else if i'm falling apart myself. all i want to do is help. and i am. me next. i gotta quit smoking, that's for absolute sure. one of my many 'home's is this vessel. i'd like to find a dwelling someday soon, it'd make improving my health a lot easier. in the meantime i have to figure out ways to start the process despite my situation.

anyhoo, the saga continues. december soon come..

home and back... home.

yeah. blog wagon, i broke it... so i'll make an attempt. i've been meaning to write for a while. i'm not entirely sure why i chose February of all months to return to my homeland, i suppose it made sense at the time. it was a reminder both of why i stuck around so long in the first place, and why i left for good.

i suppose the journey began as it would, at the greyhound station. i'm always buckled over with anxiety before travel for days or even weeks, until i'm sitting in my seat. not sure why, given the amount of times i've travelled ridiculous distances in this country but hey, it happens. the ride back to Ontario was long, cold, and for a brief moment absolutely terrifying. of course a massive snowstorm would roll into the Rockies just in time for my departure, which naturally resulted in some delays. one of which was a perspective changing, near-death experience.. the last thing i'd expected from the trip.

twilight before the sunrise is a strange and lonely time on a long distance bus ride. i have a hard time sleeping in general, so on a moving bus it's pretty well impossible. i was one of three passengers awake at the time, and the very only one sitting up in my seat looking out the window. coming down a hill to a bend in the road our coach passed a transport truck laying upside-down off the side of the highway, right before a drop-off in the mountain pass. glad that ain't us i was thinking, when all of a sudden the highway in front of us was coming at me through the side window. our bus began to spin, the back wheels and trailer hit the snowbank sending the rear of the bus fishtailing back in the opposite direction mere feet from the edge of the bloody mountain.. the moment the driver started yelling 'oh shit oh shit' was about the time the whole life flashing before my eyes thing began, the moment i thought it was all over.

everything was silent. what all had happened in less than a minute felt like an eternity. i could see and feel everything so intensely. the force of the coach losing control, the gently falling snow off in the distance, the heartbeat in my chest, the soft white blanket covering the trees, the icy ravine below.. it was all so real, so vivid. if this is it i thought, i lived a full life, i had a good time. i wasn't 'ready' to die, but i accepted the possibility. no fear and no regrets, in the moment.. eventually we coasted to a stop. finally i could take a breath. my ears stopped ringing. it's not over yet.

that incident sort of set the tone for the rest of the trip. winter was unforgiving, the task at hand was majorly daunting, and i didn't get to see everyone i'd hoped to. i'm grateful for the time i did get with my fams and a few good friends. i spent a good portion of my time alone and under ground trying to figure this part out. reflecting on just about every period of my life as i went through every little thing i've managed to hold on to, deciding what to keep and what to give away. photos, journals, art projects.. i'm not even sure how i still had most of it. my mother held on to a few things dearly, which i inherited back when she passed.

about that.. it's almost been a year now. when it first happened i had a hard time letting go. half of the stuff in that storage locker was hers not mine.. i panicked dealing with her sudden death and being responsible for 'cleaning up the mess' so to speak. it's not an easy thing to stay calm about, and there are things one feels when the mother dies that no one and nothing can prepare you for. cyclical waves of heart wrenching pain and hollow numbness. time does heal. returning to the locker of memorabilia was far less painful than it had been at the start. i still have my moments, this might be one of them..

...


i have arrived, i am home.

the journey back west was met with far less resistance. the sub-zero temps let up the day i left, the sun shone down on the greyhound bus the entire way through the prairies.. not a single flake of snow fell in any of the five provinces. i felt this was the correct direction of travel. Vancouver had been experiencing the warmest February on record while i was busy closing up shop down in the coldest Ontario had seen in over a century. the shock of returning to green lawns and cherry blossoms was overwhelming. on top of a smooth ride i managed to fluke out with an available room to rent in a house full of friends, and i have an interview for a job this coming monday in a place where i'd never have to work nights, weekends or holidays. fingers crossed.. could i be so lucky?

my destination is in each step.

every moment is brand new, besides the déjà vu of course. a friend told me once that when you experience déjà vu it is believed to signify that you are exactly where you should be in life, on the right path at the right time.. or something like that. i've always kind of felt that way even though i'm sure there's a perfectly good scientific reason for the whole phenomenon. anyways, it's hard not to exist in the moment. i've done a whole lot of moving around, but always ended up back where i started. this is the first time in my life that i intend to permanently transplant myself in a faraway land.

it feels good to be home. to feel like i'm someplace i should be.. to start over. it's hard to be homesick when home is where the heart is and i left my heart here on the coast. tomorrow is a new day. onward..

it's all so... 2015

phh blog fail. it's been over a month since i last hit this thing, but hey what can i say.. shit's been crazy. i'm still having a hard time making words for how i feel about it all, there really aren't any that fit the picture. but i'll giver a shot. where do i start...? let's try where i left off..

first of all, i'm glad i've managed to keep this thing going. a good friend reminded me the other day that it's nice to have something to look back at to 'remind myself how strong i can be when shit gets too real', and i think i can't handle it. i'm certainly blessed to have the friends that i do, you're likely reading this, so thank you. i promise to remember not to forget. ha. i still think blogging is really fuckin weird, but for some reason you freaks wanna read what i have to say, and it's kinda neat to write it so..

alright then. december.. this was my first 'holiday season' away from the home base. no matter what or where i was, i always made it back in time for mom's birthday, seven days before the solstice. this time i decided to stay away. an interesting perspective gained on the whole 'christmas' thing. though i always kinda had a hate on for it for a bunch of different reasons, being so far removed from it all allowed me to really feel out the parts that bother me. and appreciate the parts that i missed.. or should i say miss the parts that i appreciate.

holidays were always a clusterfuck of obligations and emotions that seem almost pointless given it's a season meant to be reserved for joy and sharing and family celebrations. and of course my mother couldn't handle it, both the loneliness and the not-so-joyous memories from every christmas before.. i couldn't blame her. this year none of that applied to me. i'm too far away to get caught up in the circus, too broke to send any gifts, and my mother is finally at peace. the parts i miss are having conversations and laughs with my folks by the fireplace with some baileys, chillin with my awesome baby bro, the sudden influx of random home baked goods, and seeing everyone i hadn't for a year.. watching children grow like weeds. these moments will only happen when i can make them, when i have a minute to run away home.

this year i was on my own. no plans, no obligations, just go with the flow. which led to spending christmas eve with a good friend trippin around the city, visiting the other misfits, and later stumbling home in deep appreciation of the lack of blustering winds and zero feet of snow. i really, really love the 'winter' here. i had already accepted the fact that christmas day would be all mine to do with what i please, i and i alone. and of course, in the least likely of places and with very unexpected timing i managed to make a friend. how fitting. presence is a gift..

then 2015 hit. BEEP BOOP!! a sudden awakening reminder that life rarely goes according to plan, everything can change in an instant, and things always happen in their time. i knew when i settled in to this little groove of having a job and living under a roof that there was a very good chance it was all temporary, and here i am. i handed in my keys today, finished stashing all my shit this past week, ditched out on the job that was wearing me down and picked up my ticket for the next whirlwind of craziness. i'm about to end up right back where i started only this time much lighter in more ways than one.

no regrets. i needed a minute. sometimes you just fuckin need a minute. i didn't come here to slave my ass off for a minimum wage, spend all my weekends holed up in a cave, and end up in a miserable rut like the old one in a new place. hell no. i came here to simply uproot. to unplug. reset. just another one of those kids who went west for vacation and forgot to go home. home is here now where i'm at. somewhere and nowhere in particular. enjoying a little random adventure, good company and a healthy dose of recklessness before deciding what it is i'm going to do with myself.

the best and maybe scariest part is, i have no fucking clue what's going to happen. in just about every aspect of my life. i put off buying my bus ticket for as long as i could to postpone feeling obligated to leave at a specific time. there's only so much i can do to set myself up here before i leave, so my hands are tied. i miss the shit outta my family and friends but the idea of going back there right now is making me anxious. it's like the last goodbye for some truly unknown amount of time, plus closing up shop, and liberating pieces of my past both physical and not.. basically a three week long get'r done style 'welcome back, see ya later' party. it's gonna be one hell of a journey.

and then coming back west.. my original plan had me simply on leave from that job, but it was really affecting me, i'm too damn old for the night shift. i had to give it up. missing out on a social life was starting to get at me too. ditching the job meant ditching the room i was renting, which at first was nerve racking. full blown panic mode for a minute there.. i'm over it. as much as i'd love a little stability, right now might not be the moment. i'll accept that. for now. i kinda feel like i'm ten years old again, shit just got real, and i have no idea what i'm doing. moments are more vivid, time lost it's relevance, and i can't for the life of me remember what day it is.

what is this kitchen? cheque please..

peace in chaos II

there's something comforting about the unknown. there's no need to feel responsible for anything but yourself and the path beneath your feet. i came here expecting nothing and ready for anything. there was only one thing i knew for sure, and one thing i hoped for more than anything, that my good friend would be waiting for me at the station upon my arrival. late on a friday evening despite the throes of party night, there he was.

i wasn't certain about the situation or exactly where i'd be staying or for how long. like me many of my friends gravitate towards a transient lifestyle, and even when seemingly content could pick up and change course at any moment. that said, the prospect of a place to crash had existed but wasn't expected. and then after all, i was blessed with more than one.

it could be good karma, or good fortune, or the fact that i've been making a point to accept whatever situation i happen upon with an open mind and heart. some things start out shady, and end up cultivating lasting friendships with people you'd least expect, or a home in a place you'd have never found without a nudge in the right direction. being open and also ready, i know when to trust my gut. some decisions are made or called off based on a feeling, only to find later on how lucky i was for my choice.

in fact, that's how i've been making my decisions thus far. feel it out. when i think things i over think them until they no longer make any sense. but when the critical moment arises [and i never know when until it's time], i act, or react accordingly. good things are coming but i don't know what. the adventure is here and now. no matter where i landed i would have found it, but i'm glad i am where i am. blessed.

i'd opened my mind to finding what i seek on the ferry ride back to the mainland. after taking time to relax on the island i started to get a feeling something was waiting for me. i chose a date of departure and started my search right away. not long after, i had found, or rather was found by something that could perpetuate into one of the greatest opportunities for both learning and future independent ventures. and shortly thereafter, sifting through literally hundreds of ads, i found my place in the world. a tiny haven on the side of a hill where i can garden, read and rest. if all goes accordingly, i can make residence there this week.

my destination is in each step. i've learned something about myself. i need to always find the balance, the best of both worlds. i crave an anchor of stability be it a homestead or a hole in the wall, someplace that is mine. yet i require the freedom to adventure, to move along, to start anew. to unlock achievements in a new game, to open maps unstepped. finally, i've begun to pull it together.

today is a new day. a rainy one, but refreshed no less. i wonder what will happen next..

keep calm.

easier said than done. it's been a couple months since i 'retired'. of course i have a hard time sitting still, and a bad habit of constantly worrying about the future. i haven't been bored, that's for sure. there's always lots to do, learn, read.. enough to keep me engaged. after hanging out around my homie's flat for a month or so, i journeyed to the island to enjoy a 'vacation from retirement' with a friend.

she was house-sitting, and dog walking, for which i was invited to join her.. and that was about the extent of our worries. and of course which cheap sushi we would pick for lunch. well, she had homework, and i had that nagging feeling that i should probably be doing something about my lack of income. my intentions weren't to get out here and find a job right away.. i promised myself some time, by collecting my deferred profit money i'd be able to skip out on the nine to five for a few months and feel out whatever it is i want to do with myself.

it took a few days, but finally for a while i had forgotten what day of the week it was, what number, what month.. success. i had managed to keep calm long enough to just let things float to the surface of my mind from deep within. things i needed to talk over with myself [and with my friend] that needed air. things that i've been curious about but didn't know how to approach, what has really been bothering me, and what my priorities are. i had just enough time alone to feel it, and yet the blessing of the presence of another that reminded me of 'home'.

seems strange i suppose to take a vacation from being retired, but even retirement can be overwhelming with things to do and chores and choices to be made. i'm glad i took it, and took a moment to breathe. i'm back on the mainland now, and i feel more mentally organized than when i left. i know what i want to do [mostly], and now that i have a clue, i know what to ask for when searching for employment. time is worth more than money to me, but unfortunately to be a member of society where all the people live, money is required as well. i'm trying to align the best of both worlds.. i have some learning to do too.

back to the grind [sort of] today, i'm being bombarded with responses to flooding workopolis with my resume for some temp work. apparently i was anxious for nothing, it shouldn't be hard to find a job when i'm ready. for now, i'll see what these places have to offer that will benefit me and support my mission for a stress-less, more-healthy, fulfilling sort of life.

...on a boat

my first ferry ride to Vancouver Island. it was pretty sweet... with a combined seven hours of public transit and BC Ferries i made it from the 'big city' all the way to island haven cottage country. and what a journey. of course there was that moment where the captain announces the presence of a killer whale off side the boat, and by the time i'd gotten my camera up [and through the crowd that rushed the rails] i'd caught a glimpse with my eyes but missed with the lens.

it was sort of a strange feeling watching the mainland drift away on the horizon, knowing i would be passing briefly through american waters to get to the rest of Canada. the last time i'd experienced something similar was taking a shuttle bus over the 11km long bridge from New Brunswick to Prince Edward Island.. though the feeling just wasn't the same. i felt so... disconnected. which was a welcome break from being immersed in city life.

i couldn't take my eyes off the scenery as we approached the little islands. coastal cottages, dreamy little places down by the water and lighthouses at every corner. my eyes and mind scrambled up the mountain side as i dreamed of what adventures may come. certainly no regrets taking some 'retirement' time.. every second has been a blessing.

vague projections into time and space...

i was having a bit of a rough go there for a minute. honestly, i've been having a bit of a rough go all year. sometimes it's just unrealistic to stay optimistic all the bloody time. sometimes shit hits the fan, and the only thing you can do about it is sit down and cry, all covered in it. and then, i must pick myself up and move along.

one of those things you learn as a backpacker is to plan ahead, but be prepared for a complete change of plans. it's been a while since i've been out, and i almost forgot about this... not really, i did have backup plans, sort of.. but of course everything i had in my head before i left the province had since fallen through. thankfully someone kept to their word, and has been more help than i could ever ask for. and i made a few new friends who feel like they've been around forever. lesson re-learned, don't rely on others too often. and when they duck out, don't take it personally. life goes on.

so just about the moment i realized that everything i was riding on for future plans had crapped out, new things-to-do started popping out at me 'from the universe'. and the craziest part is, i get to be in vaguely the same places around sort of the same time i was planning for, only to visit different people and accomplish different things than i had set out for originally.

now my main stressor is waiting for the money. it's been 6 weeks since i 'retired' from my job, and since so many others did at roughly the same time, it's a hurry-up-and-wait game getting my hands on my account of deferred profits. i had given myself a month between retiring and skipping the province to allow things to settle in that department. the last time i had called the financial place, the company i was working for hadn't yet sent them the validation that i was no longer employed, and that was a month after i'd left the company.

i was kinda sorta relying on that loot coming in at some point around the beginning of this trek, and i'm running low on funds. hopefully that'll all be worked out shortly so i don't have to dip too far into credit, i'd like to be able to continue to travel and visit and learn for the rest of the year before settling to work again. and when i do that'll only be temporary too. i get anxious after a couple seasons in one place, i have come to accept. i am a transient being...

so anyways, i'll do the island thing for a week or two, however that works out.. then i'd like to be back here in Vancity for thanksgiver and halloween. My next stop will hopefully be Alberta for a good long while, until i get sick of the winter and head back to the coast for winter solstice and the new year. back to Ontario shortly thereafter to chill with fams and friends, and rack up some loot for the next adventure. onward!

one day at a time.

it's easy to get overwhelmed when you leave a life you've grown accustomed to and rejoin the chaos that is the rest of the world.. especially when you get more than you bargained for, most of your plans fall through, and people happen into your life that tend to change the course of things. i'm caught up in that frantic mode of 'hurry up and wait'.

i wanna get stuff done, and i'm still waiting on paper mail from my previous job and an account that i opened so i can get all my legal junk out of the way. i was sort of in a rush to get here and get myself situated before the winter set in. and i was hoping to enjoy some summer sun while it lasts. for leaving as soon as i can, i had left some other things undone. things that i'll have to return and take care of before the spring comes.

almost six weeks i think it's been already since i've worked for money.. i've kept busy with gardening and getting myself ready to be on the move, then being on the move, and the past couple days i've just kind of done... not a hell of a lot. if i sit too long i start to feel useless, and that's a terrible feeling. doing my best to make other plans to fill the time where others fell through and in the meantime living in the moment. just have to relax a minute and let life be.

i've let a few things slide since i've been out, my workout regime went right out the window but i'm slowly attempting to get back on top of it. it's different now though, walking around this city is like climbing a small mountain every day so the muscles i need to work on my own time are changing. i've even lost a pound since my arrival without even trying! ha, slick..

well anyhoo, though my plans all fell through i'm starting to collect new ones. there's a few bands i wanna see while i'm here [there's live shows everywhere, all the time] and even a birthday party i wanna hit up before heading to the island. a friend of mine from back home is coming this way for a couple weeks to puppysit a couple dogs so imma get in on that action! i love hanging with homies from back home in other places, always makes for a unique adventure. from there i'll head back to Vancity for thanksgiver and halloween, and then perhaps pick up some work for the start of the winter.

i didn't come out here with much in the way of apparel, my rucksack was packed with camera gear and a crank juicer. thankfully Vancouver appears to be the king of second-hand stores, which i love. the seasons are starting to change [not summer snowfalls like Calgary], and it's getting cooler. the rains will come in the next few weeks as well. my first excursion to a Salvation Army proved very successful. i found four teeshirts, two pairs or pants, one being a really kickass pair of sturdy lightweight snowboarding pants, and the most comfy green hoodie in the world, all for under forty bucks. all i need now is a rain coat, a couple long sleeves and maybe a pair of long underwear for the chill.

speaking of chill i think i've done enough of that for a couple days, today i'll venture early and find something to get into. it's only seven in the morning here but i'm still a few timezones ahead. onward..

between places.

i'm in an interesting place, my life divided between two distant provinces. i have a love for the coast and the sea and the mountains, and roots back home in niagara that i have yet to explore. just like every other situation and scenario in my life, i am torn.

suppose it's time to do the pros and cons thing. weigh it out, which province is more beneficial for me to make residence. whichever it is i hope not to sit still for a good few years, so i'll have to determine which is a better anchor point to come back to.maybe i'll find a way to hold down both..

the gameplan for the next whatever span of time is to establish a system where i can work and nest and bank money seasonally so that my summer and fall is free to travel and farm and harvest and enjoy. this should be doable in either place as both are university towns and tend to have lots of short-term student housing available. i know i'm pushing thirty but i still get asked for identification when i go places that require being of age, so i think i can ride out the student thing for a good few years.

thing is i have stuff in ontario. stufffff. not worth anything, just sentimental. some furnitures from my mother, that's cram packed with a bunch of other sentimental junk like pictures and mine and dan's first outfits. random junk that through all the moves and living out of the station wagon mom still managed to hang on to. stuffed into this big black trunk. and then a cabinet my dad built, with little shelves for my little beanie toys. i loved those things, eff barbie dolls i wanna be an animal! ha! ...and then a few crates of my own photos, a small library's worth of books, art and old camera gear that i somehow kept all these years. anyhoo..

it's not stuff i have any means of transporting any time soon. i'm not exactly comfortable enough to drive across the country nor do i yet have the proper documentation to do so. something i gotta take care of when i go back. having a license to drive is one thing, i'm not sure i'll ever be comfortable enough to transport myself around in a giant steel and plastic box on wheels. i chose to learn to drive just to have the knowledge of how to operate a motor vehicle if the need were ever to arise. is this a need? hmm. or i can continue to pay for the locker... i just don't know yet.

what i do know is i quite enjoy the climate here. i like that the ground doesn't really freeze in the winter and here on the coast they almost never see snow. i'm not sure how i'll feel about the lack of sun for so long, but then again when working all day i never saw it in ontario in the winter anyway. i don't know, i don't know.

and then the people. like the sweet boy i'm sure i'd never convince to come here for a while. and some friends that i know would really dig it.. ahh that i think is mainly why people go back. i know i'll make a few friends here, but i'll always miss my homies back home. i always do when i leave for any amount of time. and the bit of family i have still exists in the region. *sigh*.

transience is the only answer really. i'm never decided on what i want, i can't make up my mind ever, and i always want the other. plus there's tons of neat stuff to do when you needn't be anywhere in particular, so i may as well figure out how to exist everywhere and nowhere all at once. it is decided. onward...

the journey west

it began about a week before i left.. living on greyhound buses traveling the peninsula to visit friends. it gave me a chance to get used to being seated and in motion, just a little taste of the 75 hour trip ahead. it turned out to be not so bad. meeting some of the most amazing people made up for the lack of comfort.

greyhound is the cheapest way to get across the country [i'm too old for hitching anymore haha], but it isn't for everyone. two hundred bucks from 'down east' all the way to the west coast. three days straight. worth it? if you're ready... mind state. yea, i know imma be sitting on my ass for days on end, i might not get to shower, and the food is gonna suck. but someone on that bus is on a mission just as epic and imma meet them.. and i usually do. all of them by the end of it. and i did.

in the end it comes down to self-reflection. what's behind no longer matters. even forget about what's coming or where i'm going... just existing in the now, on this bus, with these people, by myself. the long dark night in northern ontario was crisp and breathtaking. i couldn't sleep for the cold and the motion, but as my eyes drifted outside the window to the blackest of skies i could see the stars coming through clear as day. and after a few moments when my eyes had adjusted, i could see the milky way. love.

the prairies are always a favourite. not saying i'd be likely to live there [not a fan of the winters], but what a place to watch a storm. i was thankful that a storm was chasing our greyhound across the grasslands. with nothing obstructing the view of the clouds i could see both edges of the storm. it rained and rained, cleansing.. the entire sky overtaken. then after a good lightning show, the clouds let the sun shine through. double rainbow over the trans-canada..

almost home. once through the prairies the rest of alberta and bc goes rather quick. the ever changing terrain keeps me fixated outside the window, awaiting every rest stop so that i can jump off and taste the air. the most exciting part of course is leaving calgary. one because i get to leave calgary, and second because that's about when you can really start to see the mountains creeping up on the horizon. permasmile.

i love it. the mountains are amazing and majestic and i can't wait to wander them. autumn is coming, and you best believe i brought my cameras. haha! october is my favourite colour. i love pumpkin spice, i'm white as hell, and fuck starbucks. the adventure continues.. as i land in VanCity.

day 22

well that went quick. sometimes. other moments lasted a day themselves. i'm a pretty firm believer that everything happens in it's time, and i'm glad i took this time to just be. i'm so grateful that i was able to spend an hour almost every morning this month slowly pacing the garden, picking snacks, harvesting lunch and care packages. it feels so much more natural waking with the sun to toil in the garden or work for food than to get up by alarm and miss the day while inside hustling the best hours away.

it takes time to learn the value of a dollar. it takes wisdom to learn the value of time, of days and of moments. to me right now, nothing means more than taking my time. at any moment it could be over, and i'm particularly sensitive these days about not wasting any more time.

every day since i decided to opt out of the common north american lifestyle has been a blessing. i don't regret opting in in the first place. having lived both domesticated and not, i have a good idea of the balance i can achieve to have some sort of stability with the freedom i need to move around. i learned a lot about myself and the world, and now have a better idea of what i want to do with myself, a greater sense of purpose. the basis of my purpose being to get the most out of life while helping others do the same. and to give back, always giving back.

finally i've had time to give back to the people in my life who have helped to make it the epic experience that it has been. walking around the hometown i've taken for granted with the loved ones i never had time for, and traveling to other towns and cities in the peninsula to hit up friends and family for more laughs and moments. i'm especially grateful for this time after years of 40 hour work weeks and having weekends to juggle relaxation and recuperation with getting chores done and maybe, just maybe visiting friends. i like this better. the sacrifices i have to make to sustain this mode a while are well worth it.

i leave for the west coast tuesday. i've been living out of a pile in the corner that will be all i am bringing with me. i prepared my packs a couple weeks ago so that i can get a feel for what i'm bringing, and have time to swap things out that i may not need as much as other things. i haven't really been home much except to sleep which was out in the tent most of the summer.

today i'm mostly catching up, doing some laundry, maybe another trip to the garage, and sorting out my funds. soon come mountains, soon come ocean, soon come one long-ass bus ride. but first, a few more slightly less long bus journeys to visit more homies before i go. tomorrow, KW.

where i'm at, where i'm going.

right now.. i only have one thing set in stone, a bus ticket west. i'm not really sure about where i'll end up, how long i'll be, what i'm going to accomplish while i'm out there, or any of the things i've been asked or wondering myself. i just don't know. planning things to a degree is good, but i'm leaving space for the universe to do with me what it will. usually works out better that way rather than trying to stick to a certain plan. i have lots of resources lined up, friends to visit and time to spend. there are opportunities to learn, to farm, to discover my own potential. and of course, to work.

there's been a lot happening between preparing for this journey, settling my mother into her resting place, and tying up loose ends. i'm grateful that i took a month before traveling to get everything done, or i'd have never had time to spend with the people i share my life with. another bonus of retirement, less stress on friendships and relationships. we'd never see each other, all working opposite shifts. i've been able to see friends i haven't been able to see due to schedules and general busy-ness, hang with my baby brother, and go on random adventures until late in the evening when usually it'd be far past my bed-time. what an amazing freedom. now i remember what i liked about this lifestyle. now if i can only make time to write.. working on it.

something else has happened since i've been off. i have a far greater appreciation for the place that i live, both my hometown and the house itself. having time to actually wander reminds me what i like about being here in the first place, and i'm already excited to return, whenever that may be. there has been talk here and there of the housemates relocating in the spring, so i've spent as much time as i could in the yard and in the garden. i have already opted out of my space in the house until further notice, and Matty will make sure the garden and the kitty are looked ofter while i'm gone. back to the garden.. the sunflowers are gigantic this year, the fruits so sweet. it's been nice having time to savour the literal fruits of our labour. and the shade.

i took down my tent finally after a few good weeks camping out behind the urban farm. the next week coming is filled with various mini adventures around the peninsula before i leave the province. most of my books and overflow seasonal gear has made it safely into the storage garage. it'll be nice to have my own personal library and mini inventory of clothing and gear all neatly organized and ready for my return. that and a little workspace set up for when i get back into my winter crafting. i have a feeling this winter will be a long one in Ontario, it's already hinting at moving in.

it's a good thing it's 'back to school' season. i had to pick up an agenda, since retiring i've been keeping busy and i have to keep track of my days. my money too, funds are finite and i must monitor my spending. i have about a week left until i hop the Greyhound west. the pages are pretty full.. i'm sure it will pass quickly. i thought a month would be a long time, but it feels like only a few days since i retired back to the rucksack. a good few though. now to get back to what i've been up to...

Retired.

it's the end of an extra long weekend, and i won't be getting up for work in the morning. there's no more alarms, no rushing to get ready, no hourly dealines five days a week. there's other deadlines now, like getting things done before i leave in three weeks, making sure i have enough money to pay the few bills i still have on time, and contemplating ways i can sustain myself [make money] without working forty hours a week for someone else. i have to pick and dive in to hopefully see a return before i run out of loot. if not, of course there's always a plan b. work for someone else, only not as much.. i have one hell of a resume. that way i'd still have time to develop my own business plan. and yknow, actually enjoy living without being exhausted all the time.

i have to get a stone for my mother's grave. we finally put her ashes to rest on Friday afternoon. finally, a moment of closure for her family. i've been anxious especially to put down the marker, but the price has gone up quite a bit since the last time one of us was buried. i'll make it happen one way or another. it'll likely be the last thing i do before i leave, to bring my stepdad there to visit. but i want the stone to be in place first. i refuse to go before this happens. i'm working on a post about closure, so i'll save the rest of that thought.

which brings me to my point.. i'm having a hard time trying to relax. i did my best to take some time over the long weekend and just lay in my tent, or wander slowly without a destination. it's difficult to do so without the thoughts of 'real life' leaking in. i find relief when i stand barefoot in the dirt, in the garden. it's wonderful to just sit in the yard, and breathe deep. the green oasis that we built does well to mask the bustle of the city beyond.

i spent a good hour just laying on my mat in the grass under the tarp. i had a bug's eye view of the yard, when i had my eyes open. i could see the blades of grass dancing gently in the breeze. the crickets chirp at all hours of the day and night in this lush green inner city cove. the air is lovely down there in the grass, i couldn't help but drift off in the calm. eventually i was awakened by the sound of dog tags clanging together as their owner pranced towards me. a wet nose in my face brought me back into consciousness.

there's much to do, and i must get back on task in the morning, save my sanity. it was nice just hanging out in the yard, like in the summer days between the years of grade school. the sense of not needing to be anywhere but where i was brought me back.

Selfish.

i suppose it's about time. it took me a really long time to realize [and a bunch of people telling me] that a lot of what i do with myself is to the benefit of others before [or at least as well as] myself. but i rarely just do something for me. examples? well...

just about everything... i travelled for myself, but i came back out of guilt. i share living accommodations, and when i do, most usually i consider everyone in the house's comfort and convenience before my own. i take the smaller [or crappier] room, i most usually end up cleaning up after more than just myself, and somehow assume responsibility eventually. maintaining rooming houses for my homies to have homes... even at work when i delegate tasks i give them to the people that i think would like them most and do the crappy jobs myself. when sharing meals i [used to, not so much anymore] accommodate to the others' taste regardless if the food would make me feel like crap. all that said, of course there's no regrets, some incredible lessons and experiences for sure. point is, i never woke up to all this until recently.

today a conversation with a friend really hit it home. "will you come back for Matt?" she asked about my leaving the province. my answer, no. no i'm not going to come back for anyone but myself. i'll be back when i'm done with that part of my journey. i've been doing so many things with other people in mind, i rarely think of myself. i've been so bogged down by guilt to even realize i have nothing to feel guilty about, and it's okay to do things for me sometimes. i am learning to love myself enough to take better interest in my personal well-being. what do i want with my heart? i'll do that. life is too short to daydream about the things i wish i was doing. i'm almost thirty now, and i'm glad it didn't take me any longer to figure it out.

the greatest part is, eventually, once i get myself figured out, i'll be in a way better position to help others. when i find my health, when i get into the field of work that has fully consumed my interests and dreams.. it will actually benefit those that i care about. and i'm on my way.

i'm glad i finally let go of the lifestyle that i have outgrown. it's not easy once you become comfortable. i used to hate the idea of working full-time 'for the man', and now departing from this way of life [though i'm excited] feels strange. i have no definite plans right now, and for right now that's what i need. lately opportunities and connections that i fancy have been coming to me, which tends to happen when i learn to let go. i always forget this until the next time. maybe now that i've written it down i'll learn faster.

so, that's it. this is me, doing stuff for myself. i will get healthy. i will get fit. i will learn to live and grow more things sustainably. then pass it on. each one teach one.

skywalking

i've been carrying my pack around lately. gotta get used to those straps again. the load is heavy at times, but that rucksack is my wings. time is moving at it's own pace. dissolving here and there. i have to keep a count to not lose track. i don't have many days left at my job. i'm glad to have an extended vacation, though i will miss my team. thank goodness for this futuristic communication technology.

opportunities happen when you accept what is. at least that seems to be what's happening to me. i get in these funks where i just don't care to acknowledge this, and things don't change. for years at a time even. and as soon as i accept, things change. it's not always easy, that's the problem.

i'm glad that i finally said yes to change.

i'm excited for the first day i don't have to wake up at any particular time to be somewhere besides my garden. i managed to book myself into driving school on every day i have off between now and the end of my employment, so i'll be kept good and busy until then. that first day though... either i'll sleep in, or i'll be up extra early to spend five hours in the garden before breakfast. whatever happens, it's gonna be good.

my packlist is coming together nicely. i decided that my laptop takes up far too much space in my pack, and it's too heavy.. so i'm having my netbook repaired. i have no idea why netbooks are no longer made, they're damn perfect travel computers. it's everything a laptop is minus the cd drive. who needs 'em! haha. anyways, so that's in the works as well. i shouldn't need many new things, i've accumulated a decent collection of various gear over the years. i had to update my footwear recently, but that'll be another post in itself. it's been a while since i've reviewed some gear, it's about time.

what am i getting at here.. i'm already drifting, somewhere but where i'm standing. it's becoming increasingly hard to focus at my job with all of this change on my mind. i pay my last rent, i receive my final paycheck. it's all happening, very soon. within the next couple weeks to be exact. my loot is finite. my attitude towards money and expenses has changed already. wants versus needs are defined. moments are more important than ever. the course of the day can be changed with a smile.

becoming transient

after 'sitting' so long, i'm a little nervous about not having a steady job and a fixed address for a while. i'm nervous about being truly and completely transient in my lifestyle, which is usually my preferred mode of existence. it's been too long is all, so i must transition slowly. i've started the process of scaling down before being on the move once again.

things are different this time. the last time i tripped around the countryside with a backpack, i didn't have much of an aim except to get away. i certainly don't regret it, i learned a lot of what i know from that journey. this time i'm looking to solidify the sense of transience in my life. if that makes any bit of sense. i've become used to being anchored, comfortable in domesticated life. i have unhealthy habits, do the same things often, i'm bored. not bored necessarily with the world around me, just my perspective of it. i long for the days that i miss this place, and become excited to return home. even if only for a little while..

i suppose that's the point. i'm getting back to my roots. the ones i grew myself, from the seeds planted in my mind by my mother. precious ideas like always have a plan b, and be ready for sudden change. be comfortable enough to call the countryside my home, and be safe.

two things i like having is a storage locker, and a gym membership. no matter what, i have somewhere to keep my stuff, and somewhere to shower. finding a place to sleep is an easier challenge, knowing that all my belongings are safe and dry for however long i need to leave them means a lot. i have both of these things already. i was sure to get a super cheap gym membership, only 20 bucks a month. that way if i leave for a few months at a time, i don't feel it's a much of a waste to reserve that membership.

i've decided that i'll keep the garage as a sort of home base here in my hometown. it's comfortable, and relatively inexpensive. there is room to sit and think or sort through my stuff or create something, and my gear is organized and stored in shelves and my mother's old dressers. no matter where i end up when i come back, i know there's a place in the heart of the city where i can sit comfortably and catch my breath. that way, regardless of what happens at the farmhouse while i'm gone, i know my personal belongings won't get caught up in the mix or left behind. there's always the possibility that one day these floods will get out of hand [i say as rainwater creeps under my feet] or that my housemates will decide to bail on the place for some other reason. i wouldn't blame them if they had to, but i wouldn't want the loss of some personal junk being a reason for any hard feelings.

one thing that has really come into perspective is just how much gear and clothing i've accumulated over the years. this is my first time really having everything i own in one place as opposed to being scattered between where i keep stuff and where i'm staying and some other friend's closet somewhere. i won't have to do any shopping for a while, when i wear through an undershirt or socks i know i have a surplus in the garage.

about the clothing.. i suppose one thing i've been taking for granted for a while is having a big ol' laundry hamper. it fits a few loads, and it's on wheels so i can drag it down the street to wash. i've gotten used to being able to just put on a fresh new entire set of clothes every day. sometimes if i get dirty enough at work twice a day, and by the end of the week i've got a couple loads. as a part of the scaling down process, i'm setting aside the things i really like to wear right now, and storing some in the drawers in the garage. i have to get used to laundry day fitting in a backpack instead of a 4 wheeled cart.

it's a kind of stress relief, really. having less and less to worry about right now. knocking expenses off the monthly budget list is nice too. the frightening part is knocking off the bi-weekly paycheck, something else i've come all too comfortable with. my savings will float me through a few months of expenses, but i'll have to find periodical or seasonal employment to keep chugging along. not that i'm worried about finding a job, just that comfort zone thing again. been in the same place a long while.

i have a few other resources lined up. i renewed my WWOOFing membership so that i can stretch my money while i learn new things and earn my keep on various organic farms out in the mountains. i have a backup job lined up in VanCity for when the time comes to rack up more loot. the reality of 'going home' is beginning to sink in. all in all, it's a good feeling.