sorry. thanks, too..

i don't even know where to start.

to all you amazing people who have been putting up with my ass while i fell to bits the last couple years, giving zero shits.. i'm sorry. and thanks. you know what for, you know who you are. i fucked up huge, i let myself slip.. emotionally, mentally, physically, financially.. i've been in pretty rough shape. well up to me neck in what-the-fucks. i'm sorry for losing my head. i'm still working on getting it back. sorry to the friends and fams i kinda stopped talking to, i felt i had nothing good to say. sorry for pissing and moaning about the inevitable given my choices. thanks for listening. sorry i've been a real fucking tool the past little while. thanks for loving me anyways.

now about that getting back to the better me. or moving forward rather..
i have one hell of a long path to wander.
but i'm on my way.

i know letting go is a big part of this. letting go of people on several levels, places, things... all the things. oh and the feels too. it ain't easy. especially when those people hold big chunks of your heart. especially when those places are/were the worldly homes of those people. especially when those things belong(ed) to them. and fuck the feels. there's that one thing i have no idea how i should feel about.. the truck. miss Sally.

when i used that there trust for the first time in a while, mixed with a little credit (no, a lot).. things got messy. go team. on one hand i know it was stupid to register my vehicle in someone else's name. i had given it away right then and there. on the other hand even if i didn't, i wouldn't be able to take it back just the same. i do have a heart, obviously. this way i have no choice. i let it go. what else can i do? same as the friendship with the person driving her. and the credit that bought her.. an all around unfortunate set of losses. i fucked up. or did i? guess i'll never know.

i had a hard time with my mother's ashes. i know it's just ash but.. i liked having that physical representation of carrying her. as i did all my life. i wanted to take her to the sea shore below the mountains and set her to the wind this past mother's day. two years that weekend. i lost my shit when i couldn't get at her ashes. i lost my shit even harder when i got my things back and found they were gone. i was off in the head for a bit over that one.

and the slanty shanty too. i miss that house. it was the first place i called 'home' here on this transplanting to the west coast. i squatted there a few times before i finally got a room of my own. unfortunately the friend who lived in there previously had passed on shortly after giving me the place. and that was a hard pill to swallow. so was being forced to leave, when it finally became [beyond] uninhabitable. a couple seasons of camping out and the odd couch it took before i could accept the possibility of a place to call mine. here i am, still sort of adjusting.

speaking of which, thanks to the lovely lady who took me in. an angel, in the flesh. for real. she truly lives up to her name. by supposed random coincidence, she saved the day. and i am so incredibly grateful. i have a home base. still do a lot of camping, by choice instead of necessity. kinda nicer that way.

anyhoo.. i owe a pretty big apology to myself too. dah.. i worked sooo freakin hard to get my health back before i moved out west. it's been on a steady down hill slide since shortly after i got here. i became complacent, i got lazy. i stopped giving a shit, really. i'm pretty sure i found about thirty of the eighty pounds i lost, my kidneys ache constantly and my digestive system refuses to move in the right direction at times. it's time to pay better attention to what i'm putting in me, and take better care of myself. again.

somewhere along the line i stopped believing i was worth it. more like i'm just passing time instead of serving a purpose so i just kinda said fuck it. i felt not so worthy of good things, good feelings... not like me i know. i'm sorry to me for feeling that way. time to pull up me socks and get on with it. i still have a panic attack every now and then, slightly less symptomatic of the PTSD the past month or so, most likely due to far less environmental triggers. having a home base helps immensely, even if it's just a shared flat. i feel like i can finally start to get back on my feet. and i'm taking full advantage of what i've got. i will find my health again. i will get my sexy back. i will not only survive this shit, i will thrive. i will not give up.

i'm thankful for this second [or fifth or sixth] chance at making it out here. in a lot of ways i'm not doing all too well, but in the most important ways right now, i'm doing a lot better. shit gets rough but i'm still in love with life. it never ceases to trip me right the hell out, and bless me with the presence of some crazy rad people. hella sweet views too. and i am eternally blessed to finally find some balance... or rather have the balance find me. thank you. so much.



xo

careful wishes...

i can't even count how many times i've said it the past couple years...
careful what you wish for. it's like manifesting shit right outta the universe, so be careful how you word it, or of your intent.. something like that. anyways..

it was my birthday a couple few weeks ago. i received a generous giftcard in the mail to grab up some food and supplies for the weekend in the bush, and it was insisted that i grab a cake. candles a must too. birthday wishes, it's a thing.

so i did. the day was almost over, one hour til midnight before we finally sparked it up. i was procrastinating. what do i wish? what would i change?

i wished for a do-over. not completely, i never regret a thing, just.. some sort of fresh start knowing what i know. begin again from the beginning with the acquired wisdom of the past couple years out west.

suddenly, everything changed.

and i am truly blessed.

because we camp.

the first week in the truck was a little rough. we had to work out a routine pretty quick. with working nearly every day and several appointments we had to figure out how to organize the truck based on daily needs, and find places to park depending on how much time we had. a couple months in and we've pretty much nailed down a spot for every night of the week, our favorite being the weekend site up in the mountains. 

the area that we camp in is a long forested stretch along a popular fishing river. there's several spots to park and camp for the night, most usually inhabited by avid fishermen or rowdy teenagers. after spending our first weekend scouring the area, we found the perfect spot to call home. or so we thought.

it was pretty early in the season when we set up camp there the first time. it had appeared that the area was last used to burn garbage and shoot things, and that no one had been back for a long time. we decided to claim the spot and clean it up. it's far enough from the river that we wouldn't be in anyone's way intending to fish, and close enough to the road that we can back in at night. the view of the mountains is breathtaking, and the stars are plenty. 

the first few weeks we would leave for a while and return with our site untouched. we figured we had made a good selection seeing as no one else was using it, and made our base camp a little more permanent. we built a tipi for firewood to keep it dry, and a couple pieces of furniture. one weekend we had returned late at night in the rain to find that the pit was still hot, and all our firewood had been burned. it wasn't such a big deal except that we were kind of dependant on that stack to keep us warm for the evening, but the rest of our hard work was left untouched. 

the following weeks to come, we had slightly different welcomings. one weekend we had come up and the wood was gone including all the posts we had cut to build with, the furniture was smashed and there was garbage everywhere. lucky for them we never found out who it was. the kicker was a few weeks ago when we arrived to find our camp inhabited. 

fair enough, it's not really our land technically, so we pulled in just to see what was up. turned out to be one drunken asshole and his girlfriend. the place was trashed again, all our recollected shelter supports were cut and burned, along with several of the young living trees that had been recently planted. we intended to let them stay as long as they kept it clean and respected our camp and the forest.. turned out not to be the case. we told the guy we'd be back early the next day and would appreciate if he didn't burn any more of our work. he agreed that he'd leave as soon as they woke up.  

when we finally got back into our camp, it took the entire weekend to repair the damage and clean the place up. idiot managed to run over the fire pit (and one of our built stools) as he was leaving, so we had our work cut out for us. luckily my truck mate and I have a habit of making shit better. this time we left a note for the next people. it more or less asked whoever used the camp to respect the forest, not to litter, and kindly not to burn the shelter posts.

we figured it could go either way from there. people could show up and treat the area well, or people could come and tear it all down. we pondered on the drive up the following week on how it was gonna be. when we arrived, we discovered something completely unexpected. there was a sign. we could see it from the truck as we noticed the camp was left untouched. as we walked up to it we took guesses at what it might be regarding. possibly another 'no shooting' sign as the last one had gone missing. maybe some officials of some sort asking us to move along. we were wrong, in the right way.  

it was a sign welcoming visitors to the valley. "User Maintained Site". huh.. 'this area has been cleaned up by local volunteers'. and then advisories on keeping the place clean. our presence was wecolmed. later that sunday evening the fella who put up the sign paid us a visit. the local conservation authority dude himself. he was fully stoked on our presence and what we did to clean up and maintain the site. he said we keep out less desirable visitors that they often have to come and ask to leave or ticket. then we chatted an hour about local wildlife and the weather and the joy of being out in it.

that was one hell of a moment. 

home is where the truck is.

is it strange that i feel more at home in a pickup truck than I ever have in a house? is it so wrong that i'd rather camp out under the stars than be cooped up in an inner city hotel? nah. i don't think so.

that said, i'll be hella stoked once I finally do have a house, i'd rather build one myself though. on a flatbed trailer. i am a transient being after all. i find it hard to sit still. 

another month, and finally some sun. after several weeks of constant rain, feeling the heat is a relief on the bones and mind alike. the temperature will be in the high twenties [celsius] inland this weekend, and I can't wait to soak it up. 

working six days a week certainly contrasts how I spent most of the winter. spring brings life and lots of work to be done. hibernation time is long gone. I'm hoping the next few months will allow me to catch up financially so that next winter can be a restful time with a lot less anxiety. speaking of, I think the medication is working. 

...

it sometimes brings me to tears to remember how i ended up here. it's almost been two years since my mother passed. had she not, i'd still be tethered to the homelands in constant worry for her. i sometimes feel guilty for that sense of relief. i miss her like crazy and it kills me that i can't just pick up the phone and call her when shit gets weird, but i'm thankful that she's no longer suffering. i'm grateful to know she's at peace. i can still feel her with me at times, calling me out on my shit, making sure i'm always doing my best in whatever messed up situation i find myself in, and reminding me to love, unconditional.

...even if that love isn't well received. or understood. or believed. it's there and it's undying, and that's what matters. i have a hard time expressing myself. even when my heart is exploding with all the love in the world for someone, i can't always find the right way to make it known. in friendships, relationships, with family.. having suppressed my feelings for far too many years just to keep myself sane, I have forgotten how to get it out. but I'm trying. 

...

anyhoo.. yeah I forgot to hit publish last week. boy do I ever have a tale to tell. the adventure continues...

out there

as the sun set for the night, I did a walk around the campsite collecting twigs to add to the coals for light. one by one the stars appeared as the sky cleared up between the mountains. stoking the flames I hadn't noticed how dark it was until I walked back to the truck, awestruck by the beautiful night sky. the longer I stood there the more I could see... I swear I could make out the fuzzy shapes far away galaxies.

last night was the coldest, and yet the most enjoyable. I started training for my new job, but it's only a couple days a week for now until I'm in my position. that lends us a night or two a week to camp out a little further away from town. this spot was our favorite so far, just off a dead end road close to a provincial park. no traffic, no light pollution, no sounds but the river and the frogs.

it hasn't been incredibly easy, i'll be honest. though my ptsd is getting easier to deal with, there's still moments of great anxiety. overall, the situation has given my mind something to focus on minute by minute to keep me occupied. my truck mate on the other hand has quite a few challenges of his own. his mental strength helps to keep me together, but his physical pain makes it hard on him to be comfortable most of the time. we do our best for one another to make the most of a seemingly shitty situation. having Stella as our furry companion is a blessing for all. 

after the first week, we're starting to nail down a system. not having a set schedule yet, and all the appointments we have makes each day it's own challenge and adventure. every step of the day from breakfast to rest takes strategic planning, good timing and a little luck to bring it all together. sometimes it's a parking lot, sometimes we can make full camp, collect wood and water and wander around. 

...

I had my first hot shower today for a few, and i'm sitting on a couch as I write. we're borrowing some facilities for the next couple hours until we head out again for the night. I can't even explain in words how amazing that shower felt, or how comforting it was to put on my sweater fresh out of the dryer, or how much of a relief on my hips it is to be sitting on this big comfy chesterfield instead of a lawn chair or the cold steel box of the truck. it doesn't seem like much, but these little breaks are essential for morale. 

this post is scattered as my mind. I don't have much time left here, but I wanted to write down what I could while I have wifi and a minute to charge my phone. I'm hoping the rain will stop during daylight today to give me a chance to further organize and dry out the damp bedding. between condensation and a few minor leaks, staying dry is our biggest challenge. all the things in garbage bags and tarps.

that's about all I can squeeze out for now. and the dryer is cuing me to move along. the adventure continues...

truck life

it ain't all that bad. i bought a truck a few months back fully anticipating having no place to be, and i'm glad. as of today, the place i've been couch surfing is no longer an available option, so we're preparing [Sally] to be lived in. we already kinda do for how much time we spend on the road, it'll be a pretty easy transition. the camping gear is out of storage and tucked away in a tote under the canopy, with the tool box and emergency kit. my truck mate and I took the vacuum to her to get all the cedar needles and dog fur  [which i'm sure will accumulate again in no time] and organized the cab for maximum sleeping space. 

perfect timing too. i start my new garden centre job this week, apparently it's against my karma somehow to have a job and a roof over my head at the same time. i have to laugh.. at least i'll have a locker at work to keep a few things i need. 

finally got the blogger app to work on my phone too. no more excuses not to write i suppose. besides finding free wifi. it's around.

our Sunday drive, or church as i like to call it, turned into a two day boot into the Rockies. the journey served both as a spiritual and therapeutic retreat to prepare for the upcoming challenges of living in a truck, whilst maintaining an active role in society, and my mental health.. i wrote a bit about that in my last post [which i'd link if i could, but mobile app].

i do feel significantly less anxious, and sleeping a little better than before which will surely help me through. for whatever reason i tend to find a sense of comfort having fewer attachments at the moment. i know when the time comes to live in a more standard dwelling, i'll have a greater appreciation for it, as i usually do after spending several months floating around. March will be month five. 

it'll be interesting to see how this week goes. i don't anticipate the temperature dropping to freezing too many more times this season, even so, every last scrap of bedding is currently being laundered to line the nest. that's about all I've got to say for now.. time to hit the road.

disconnected.

 still failing at writing. still essentially 'home[less]', and mostly jobless too. this has been one of the most trying winters of my life. don't get me wrong, i've been far worse off as far as my living situation goes, but what's going on upstairs has been taking it's toll. i'm disconnected.


...

three days later, all i have written is that paragraph. few sentences rather.. it ain't easy putting things into words these days. i struggle on all levels to express myself. it's about fkin time i do something about it. and so here i am, talking about it. calling myself out. acknowledging the fact that this time around, i need a little help.

where do i even start.. at the start i suppose. i've always had a bit of a hard time as a being in this plane of existence, for lack of a better summation. i know i'm not alone on this. some are driven to perpetual states of mental or emotional instability, some choose to exit this plane, some become stronger people for it. i've mostly slotted in to the latter category. there's been some pretty dark days, years even.. but i always managed to bounce back better than before. on my own most times, luckily at some of the worst times supported by a few pretty rad friends.

given all the shit i've been through in my life, both situational and self inflicted, it's a bloody wonder sometimes how i've managed to survive this long with my sanity still mostly intact. i've always had systems in place, rituals, tools.. whatever you want to call them.. methods of dealing with various symptoms of PTSD. i built up said 'toolbox' piece by piece, teaching myself how to deal with bouts of anxiety, guilt, memory issues, nightmares, a bunch of other mental and emotional crap, and all the physical dis-ease that came along with it. somewhere along the line i must have left that toolbox open, tripped over it, and kicked it down the stairs.

it's happened a couple times. this time it's a struggle to find the energy to pick it all up again. i've been disconnected so long it's hard to think back to where this episode began. i have a pretty good idea. i know i've mentioned it before, how i never really gave myself a moment to mourn. it's been almost two years now since my mother followed through on her choice to leave this plane. i guess it never really came up. i buried that shit so deep i never thought it would reach the surface.

i'm pretty sure that's why i chose the path i did from that day on. i always felt responsible for her. i'd run to the ends of the country for a while, but i always returned back home. i left my toolbox in her corner closet for safe keeping. i kept myself alive even on those days i really didn't want to because i had to stay strong for her. my little brother too, but for her i was her rock. for so so long, i was the only one that would brave the wilds of her mindscape, that could bare her presence to give her the unconditional love she needed ever so much. for so long, with [and without] her, i was alone.

her following through on that decision was in part her way of saying 'you're free now'. that was always one of her things. she felt that she was keeping me there against my will. she had guilt. i know the feeling. the days and months following her passing i was numb. there was the initial shock, anger, distress regarding the situation, but i stifled it and locked it all away. which meant locking away all of my feelings, my ability to fully apply myself to friendships, relationships, share any part of my life with what family i do have.. and so here i am. a good few thousand kilometers away from everyone and everything i know. the couple friends i do have here i've managed to distance myself from and i wish i hadn't.time to gather those tools and rebuild.

i've always managed to recover regardless of my situation, one of the biggest recoveries i'd made was while backpacking across the country with no fixed address. things are a little different now, and as i've grown older i have realized that one of the most critical things i need in my corner is a home base. i've been floating for almost four months now in winter no less, and i'm positive this has had the most major impact on my lack of ability to gather myself. i need a place with lock and key, a bed in which to sleep, a kitchen to maintain my physical well-being, and access to running water when i need it, cause you know.. hygiene. it's a thing, especially when making a solid attempt at being a functioning member of society.

i spend a considerable amount of time and mental energy focusing on my next move of the day, and harbouring the will to do so. how am i going to feed myself, where will i sleep, am i doing everything i can to still be supportive to my loved ones, that sort of thing. at the end of the day it leaves me with not a whole hell of a lot of energy to focus on more personal matters, to be creative, to be myself. and if i can't be myself, i'm no good to anyone. i can't expand on my horizons or psych myself up to be open to new things if i don't have that established routine. there's no space for random awesomeness, and no time or mental power to think.

 ...

there was a brief time there back in october where i remembered who i was. i was my-self. dropped all the defences, allowed myself to feel something. i ran into someone who i'd never thought i would find in this crazy world that could see through all the shit there in that moment, and in that moment i had hope. i'm in there somewhere. the me that i like to be, that everyone loves to see.. the passionate, compassionate, outgoing crusader of love. the moment was brief. i miss that me.

this week i made a decision to seek medical help. i've tried for so long on my own to get by and get through each day without being medicated, besides a little help from my favourite plant. even that can't curb the anxiety the way it used to. given the family history and enough mental, emotional and physical trauma to sink a bloody battleship, i'm running short on options and hoping this one can provide me with some level of relief until i can rebuild on my own.

that's about all i have to say right now, and it took me forever to get it out. thank you so much to the ones out there who have been supportive and understanding, it really means the world to me and i probably wouldn't be around if it wasn't for you.. y'all know who you are. just know that i'm not giving up, i don't do that shit. i just need a minute.