before i forget..

six months ago already. something changes when the mother passes, something..


a sudden silence. i still remember that night. it was the last night of my vacation, i'd spent the week prepping the garden so that my brother and i could bring her to see it for mother's day. i couldn't sleep... it was warm, the first warm night of the year.

earlier that week i'd talked to her on the phone. she sounded happy, but her voice was distant. she had finally knocked the last thing off her list, she found her best friend. and there was one more surprise, a baby kitten. new life.. pure joy. she named him punkin, after the first kitty i remember having as a child.

months before, after the last of many attempts at taking her own life, we had a conversation about happiness. i remember telling her the very same bit of advice that had gotten me through the darkest days of my own journey.. you can't rely on a single other person in this world to make you happy. not your parents, not your children, not your husband or your best friend.. the only person in the whole world that can make you happy is you. and then i asked her, what is it that you want? what can you do to make you happy?

she sat quietly for a moment.

she turned her head and looked at me, and flashed a smile full of broken rotted teeth. "i want my smile back" she said, and laughed. she started to make a list. dentures, dignity. some way to get out of this house, a car was out of the question.. scooter. she missed her best friend.. a phone call. to find a new apartment.. home.

there were a few other things on the list that i was not aware of. she wanted to speak to her sister again, something she hadn't done [without a fight] in years, which she finally did the day before. she wanted cable television. she wanted to know that her children would live a good life.

it was a long and terribly cold winter. i didn't get to visit her often, but she'd gotten herself a cell phone so that she could text. one day i got a message saying that she was going to have all of her teeth pulled. the start of the process. for months after, she would wait toothless until she could be fitted for her dentures. she had to pay quite a bit out of her disability pension to get it done, but she didn't seem to mind.

one day in february i received a frantic phone call. she was on a mission uptown and her loaner scooter crapped out on the side of the road. it was far too cold for the battery to keep going, and not knowing what else to do, i paid for a handycab to go and pick it up. she was on a waiting list for that too, to have a new scooter of her very own. it was starting to look more and more like it wouldn't happen, they kept telling her she wasn't 'eligible' for a new one. she remained patient.

at some point in that jumble of time and spending of money, she had missed a rent payment. she was about to lose her home. by some grace of god or the universe or something, after the threat of being put out in the cold, she came up with the money to make the rent. she realized then that the place she was at was where she wanted to stay. she could check home off the list.

a couple more months had passed as she sat waiting. even though it was starting to look as though she might not get everything that she wanted, she refused to give up hope. one day out of nowhere she got a phone call from the mobility specialists, 'your scooter is ready, we will bring it by tomorrow'. she was so happy she called me right away. it was even candy apple red, just as she'd hoped for.

within the next few weeks everything was coming together. she had reunited with her best friend and partner, she finally got herself some cable tv, she even got a hand-me-down big screen from my brother to enjoy it on. and spring was coming, with her new wheels she could get out to enjoy the sun.

the most exciting thing for her had to be the teeth. she got them just in time for easter dinner. i told her, whatever she wanted to eat with her new teeth, i'd make it happen. i already knew what she would say.. chinese! on my way to her house that easter sunday, i picked up a serving of all of her favourites. fried rice, sweet and sour chicken, wonton soup and all the fixins. she had the biggest smile i'd ever seen when i came through the door. i wish i had taken a picture, had i known...

and then the questions. 'are you alright?' ..i wondered why she was asking. yeah of course i'm alright what do you mean? she meant in general. she asked if my brother and i were well. i told her that finally after years i'd found a place to call home, and somewhere to start my farm. i have a decent steady job, and good things to look forward to. my brother, he's alright too. he's about to get his full license, is making more money than i do, and has a lovely girlfriend that treats him good. all the things a mother loves to hear. her children grew up successful and happy despite everything. we talked for a while longer, she said she was happy too.

that was the last time i'd seen her. i had to leave, and for the first time when we hugged goodbye, she didn't cry. she smiled again when i turned around to close the door, so i put down my backpack and returned for one more hug and kiss.

many years of her life were spent in the throes of physical and emotional pain, addiction and mental illness. the last decade her body slowly gave out. she was due to have a pacemaker, a section of her intestines removed which would mean shitting in a bag the rest of her life, and three times a week dialysis. she'd suffered a heart attack, had a brush with skin cancer, and lived with a degenerating spine for as long as i could remember. she had far surpassed the point of no return as far as her health goes, and yet she still managed to pull herself together to find peace, joy and happiness in the last few months in her body.

cause of death: organ failure due to overdose. no one will ever know for sure if it was accidental or on purpose, especially given her history of attempts. what i do know is she was ready to go. this time, i couldn't be angry. this time, there was no text message, no letter, no phone call. just a silence in the night. this time it was not in anger or fear or despiration. there was no spite, or hatred for the world that consumed her. she was happy, and she made it all happen herself. not a single other person in this world...

"for the first time in my life i can say, i'm finally happy. i got my wheels, i got my teeth, i got my cable tv... i have my best friend here, my kids are happy... i have everything i need. oh and guess what, i got a kitten!"

i could hear a little meow, and she was laughing. i was standing in the garden covered in dirt when the phone cut out. that was the last time we spoke. no last i love you, no last goodbye.. the line is still open.


...


mom, i miss you every day. even though it breaks my heart to know i'll never hug you again, i'm glad you no longer have to suffer. thank you for this life, for my brother, and for all the lessons. thanks for holding on long enough for us all to realize what is important in this life. family, hope, happiness, helping one another, and above all, love...

all for what?

there's a few mistakes in my life that i'm glad i made early on.. one of them is doing things for the sake of others without really considering myself or how i feel about it. i've done that a lot in my past. most particularily returning to and staying in a place i didn't want to be. all in all i'm glad i did because friendships and positive relationships came to be that wouldn't have otherwise, but in the grand scheme i was fairly uncomfortable.

being at where you came from isn't easy, especially when where you came from houses the demons of your past. these demons are not just my own, i shared them with the other streets, other addicts.. and they're still out there doing the dirt. i think one of the most uncomfortable things about being in my hometown is not being able to walk down the road without them seeing me, calling at me.. hating me for rising out of the dirt to become a working-class citizen, able to afford shoes without holes and food from the market. they feel entitled to what i've earned.. a couple would threaten to jump me. having my back up all the time, i never realized how much tension it was causing me on a daily basis. anxiety welled up in my throat every time i'd go to leave the house or work.

i had a sort of sanctuary in my back yard. the garden we would build in the summer was tall enough to block the view from the road, and private enough to camp and have a fire. when my garden was suddenly under attack by vandals i felt like my bubble had been burst. the last place i could feel safe was no longer mine. the garden i'd built in memory of my mother had to be sacrificed.

she's a big part of the reason i stuck around. i'd use other things as excuses, like a boyfriend or some other situation, but really i felt horribly guilty for leaving her to rot in that place alone. even though i'd only see her seldom as at times we could barely stand one another's company, i couldn't go far for long. a lot of what i did i did for her without even realizing. i think she realized it before i did, and the weight of that guilt added to her discontent. staying in the city that consumed her was another big factor in my urge to take leave.

i'm not saying she gave up on life to let me live mine, but i know that's how she felt at times. she would tell me that she felt like she was holding me back. though i insisted otherwise. now that she's gone it's almost like she isn't gone at all. she's more with me now than she was when she was living. people talk to god when they witness the beauty of this life or become afraid, i talk to my mother. she's around. i know she'd be happy that i made it out alive. and when i hit a hilltop or venture down by the water and say, 'hey ma, check this view!' she can hear me.

so what am i here for? do i want to go back? am i homesick? these are questions that have been coming up these days. i'm here for the adventure. everything is a challenge, it's all brand new. i think i'd like to enjoy that for a while. i'm here for me, because i want to be, because it makes me feel good. i like being surrounded by mountains and close to the coast. i thoroughly enjoy the view from my part-time landscaping job up on the harbour. i love that i can hop on a ferry and leave the mainland from here. i love that there's salmon and eagles and bears all within reach. i'm stoked about this place that i'm staying in, that there's new housemates every week from all over the world, and i get to tell them about all the places in Canada they want to hear about because i've been to most of them. i love the climate zone here, and that the spring comes early and fall drags on. i love not having my back up all the time...

the only reason i would want to go back is the people i miss. my friends and extended family, a lot of whom i'd seldom see. though it's amazing to have them close by, the discomfort i'd have to endure to keep them at arm's reach almost makes it moot. thanks to technology it's a lot easier to keep in touch than it was even the last time i took off from the homeland, which certainly helps. i do have a select few friends where i'm at now, thankfully so.

am i homesick? ...i am home. maybe it just hasn't hit me yet, but there's been no urges to go back. i'm waiting for it, still giving it a chance to sink in, and another 'major holiday' to pass, christmas and the new year. if i make it through that, i think i'll be okay. i'll miss going to my folk's house out in the country to sit and talk life with them around the white tree sipping kahlua and listening to the trans siberian orchestra. i already do miss random roadtrips with my baby brother, and latenight tea with my girlfriend down the way. i miss my team, i miss my housemates and the animals and my partner in crime.. will it bring me back? maybe. but not right yet. this is for me.

November in Raincouver

i was warned about the weather. yeah sure there's no snow in the winter, but there isn't much to be seen of the sun either. for the most part it's working in my favour right now, the overcast skies and sundown at five makes for easy day sleeping when working the night shift. my two new housemates however are not as impressed.

one comes from France, and the other from Australia. both are overwhelmed by the rain thus far, but both had made the decision to start their Canadian journeys here in Vancouver to dodge most of the typical Canadian winter.. sub-zero temps and lots of snow. well, it doesn't rain all day every day... but yeah, every day.

like most other things so far on this adventure, i even managed to luck out on my work schedule. i work every other night and a day shift Friday, so the only overnight on the weekend is Saturday night. better than no weekend at all.. and it just works out that i can still do the gardening gig wednesdays before working wednesday night, then i can crash out all day thursday. i'll have to either find another part-time job for days in the winter, or pick up more hours at this place to make it through. this place is expensive.. but still worth it.

a monthly transit pass here is a worthy investment, especially in the winter months. i was starting to go a little stir crazy there not being able to speed around town besides work and back, now i can go on random mini adventures even if it's just to an Asian market downtown to get some cheap fruit.

halloween was pretty sweet. and once again, my weekend was blessed by some unexpected good company. i handed out candy to a couple hundred kids while we hung out on the front porch waiting to hit up a punk show. by some sort of miracle, it stopped raining early afternoon on halloween, and the sun came out the next morning for most of the day. after partying all night long it was nice to crawl out onto the back porch with a big cup of tea and soak up the sun. after days of not seeing it, one can't help but smile regardless of the level of hangover.

ahh life is good. crazy, unpredictable, and somewhat out of order, but good no less. i love that i still never have any idea what day of the week it is. i suppose i should take a nap or something to prepare for work tonight, at least my schedule is just as awkward as my natural lack of a sleeping pattern. so far it's working out well. i need to go fall over now.. happy November. onward!

All Hallow's Eve

the end of October, eh? yea. so i guess i've been west for a couple months already, my how time passes.. i've been feeling a little anxious lately, i can't put a finger on it exactly but i suppose it's a lot of things. the chaos and fear of the unknown are both unsettling yet comforting.

at times when i start to feel a little overwhelmed i have to stop and remind myself that i am blessed. no matter what happens. even the things that hurt are lessons.. maybe even especially. i'm grateful for my 'luck' so far on this mission, even though i'm not sure what all this mission should entail. i suppose survival is the name of the game right now, on more than just a general level.

something kind of eerie happened a few nights ago that had slipped my mind until it happened again last night. i came home and put my key in the main door, and as soon as i did it felt like someone was turning the knob and pulling it open from the inside. not so unreasonable considering there's usually a few people living here at a time, so i just let the door go and it swung open. the lights were off and no one was in the kitchen.

the same thing again when i came back last night, and i had forgotten about the last time, it was just so very strange. and again comforting somehow.. as if the house itself was welcoming me home. i'll just take it as a sign that i'm to be here where i'm at, and that maybe i should stop worrying so much. i am home.

water shelter food warmth love. all accessible. blessed.

alright now, back to reality. gotta go work my first day shift in a couple weeks before flipping back to nights tomorrow. i don't mind, at least it allows me to maintain somewhat of a social life. make a lunch, pack my bag, and hit the streets. it is time. onward..

10.27.14

the air was crisp and cool this morning on my walk down to the park. i've made it a sort of ritual to go meandering through the alleyways to eventually end up at a bench in a park at the edge of a baseball field that overlooks the entire city. no panoramic photograph could possibly capture what i feel when i sit there. how small, how free..

i purposely walk a little further south than i have to just so that i can walk back north towards the mountains and the rest of the city. it still takes my breath away when i walk along the ridgeway and come to cross a street that gives berth to an incredible view. yesterday when there was a break in the clouds i could see the very tip top of the tallest mountain in view was gently brushed with snow. soon enough they'll all have snow caps of their own.

this is what i came here for. i don't always remember that when i'm feeling suddenly alone. i came here to find my breath, to find my space, to meet myself again. to take a minute to grieve.. to get some of this weight up off my chest. i came here to get away from all of the distractions i had collected and created for myself, all of the things and people and situations i had surrounded myself with to keep me occupied. i just need a long, long moment..

i've had a chance to sort of feel out what i really need now that i've had a moment to separate myself from everything i've been holding on to. life is simple, or at least i'm doing my best to keep it that way. my recent obsession with 'tiny homes' and various styles of miniature dwellings has afforded me a joy i may have never had otherwise for the little space i am currently calling home. tiny it is indeed, but it's perfect for just me.

there's a bed, a dresser, a desk for my laptop and a table lamp. the headboard holds my books, and there's still lots of room for the ones i plan to bring back from home. since space here is limited i don't need to feel like everything i left back home has to come with me here. just the criticals. and my opinion of what exactly is critical changes on the daily. sometimes i think i'd still be content if i never went back. sometimes though, i really miss my creature comforts. there's a couple hoodies i've been longing for, and my hats. always with the hats. there's some people too, but it's gonna mean a lot more than cramming them in a suitcase to get them here. maybe some other time.

the next few months will come and go as quickly as the last few have i'm sure, so i've been somewhat trying to plan out how i will utilize my time off, and what exactly i need to get done when i go home. the bus ride consumes over three days in each direction, and i've been batting around the idea of making two trips. that'd work out to over two weeks of solid bus time out of the six or so i have set aside to get everything done.

if i do manage the two trips idea, it'd cut back on idle time, and at the same time force me to sit still, and maybe even meet a few more people. on the trip west one of the girls i'd met was on her way back from doing one steady back-and-forth trip, pretty much a week straight on a bus. she looked about done with it come the final day, and i wondered if i'd have the strength to do it myself. i suppose time will tell. i'd likely take a few days in between each direction to recuperate and sleep horizontally in an actual bed. something that feels incredibly godly after any amount of overnights on a coach bus.

ah well. that's about all i've got for now. these are the things that have been cycling around my brain while i slow mosey around the city. work again tonight, maybe i'll squeeze a nap or a movie in before shift. books are cool too. thank god for paperbacks..

raincouver

i suppose it could be the weather.. i've never really been one to complain about the rain. makes sense though, grey skies forever can take it's toll on the soul. been feeling a little better the past couple days, good company and a pretty awesome ska show may have been a help. the night shift has put an interesting spin on things as well. i wonder how long that will last..

now that most of the pressing matters are settling like finding a source of income and a place to lay my head, other things that i haven't taken the time to deal with are floating to the surface. i've never missed my mother so much.. sometimes i still pull out my phone to call her when something crazy or new happens and then.. yea. but most of the time i'm confident she can hear me. i blame my happy coincidences and lucky windfalls on her. she must be lookin out for me from somewhere, because i don't think i could luck out so much on my own.

not that i don't appreciate having a warm place to stay, but the cool and constant rain makes it that much more appealing. my perspective on needs and what is important to be comfortable has shifted once again. twenties me was perfectly content with not much more than a tent for shelter, but these days having just a tiny cozy room with a reading lamp, space heater and someplace to keep books and dry clothes is heavenly. i think i'll enjoy this for a while.

the job too. i know i complain sometimes about 'working for the man' but there's always a benefit besides the money. it keeps my mind busy, gives me something to focus on besides my crazy life. meeting new people is pretty cool too. there's a comfortable level of social interaction that comes with my particular job, dealing mostly with truck drivers and vendor reps, no customers involved. thus trucker mouth is perfectly acceptable and i get to be myself. not having the routine for a few months allowed me the space to appreciate having some outside force keeping me to a schedule. it encourages me to eat better and make effort to get proper rest. eventually, i might even start to remember what day it is again.. or maybe i'll allow that to be one of those things that never matters. i can't believe it's almost november..

i'm also enjoying the particular neighbourhood that i decided to take up residence in. it's chill, quiet, mostly immigrants that love to grow food. i'm down with that.. already making plans for joining in on the action this coming spring. luckily people who garden love to share, so i'll get some first hand lessons on what to grow in this climate. the sun come spring will be amazing after this long long rain..

until then, umbrellas up, parkas on and enjoy raincouver. makes for some pretty neat mushrooms anyways.. and thank goodness there's lots of live shows and a happening music scene to keepVancity lively. onward.

an attempt at words.

well, here i am again, writing.. it's not always easy to make the words go. i'm not sure how many people actually read this thing, i suppose it doesn't matter. it's for me. but i think i'm afraid sometimes to write things into existence, permanently.. it's one thing to think something, another to say it, and yet another to write it down.

i promised i'd share my story. for whatever reason, people want to hear it. but it's not that easy. mostly i write about the good things, shine a light on positivity and and share my lessons. but i skip the in between. i leave out the real feelings, the fear, the negativity. maybe because i don't like being judged even though i say it doesn't bother me. maybe it's because i don't want to bring anyone down that might read it, to think that the ambassador of positivity has some mighty dark days.

the honest truth is, i'm afraid. i'm not really sure how to explain it. i'm not afraid of death. my death anyways.. i'm more afraid of not living. i have no fucking clue what i'm doing anymore or what i'm in it for, but i'm here. sometimes i have a hard time believing that everything happens for a reason, but i'm beginning to see that everything does happen in it's time. right then, that's when it needed to be. and sometimes that shit hurts and it isn't easy to accept. but it's happening. i can't always be as patient as i'd like to be. maybe that's today's lesson..