stuff and things.

dammit. i'm just horrible at this. i used to write all the time. more so in pen and paper, but my pile of books is getting heavy. speaking of heavy, i'm starting to feel the weight of my decisions. i take full responsibility for all and any of my actions.. including the things i choose to carry. i didn't realize how much i'd been carrying around until my mother passed. and since then, i've taken on more. the history of both of us is stowed away in a storage locker half a world away that i can't afford to hang on to much longer.

i know it's just stuff. for the longest time despite our liking or not for one another at the time, mom was always cool about hanging on to my stuff. i made a habit of never keeping anything of monetary value to reduce the risk of anything getting pawned. once she had settled into the sickness the likelihood of her moving around wasn't so good. my past was safe for years, wrapped in plastic to hold off the smoke clouds, stashed in her walk-in closet.

emptying out her apartment was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i wasn't ready to let go yet, to her little hand-painted crafts, the dining room table, the dressers she scored somewhere from the seventies that currently hold my winter clothes. so i rented a locker and crammed it all in with my own. in a few months i'll have to go back there and decide what to do with everything.

it's a little overwhelming right now to think of but i have to start thinking. i kept all of the things from my youth that reminded me of better days. that cabinet my dad built me full of beanie toys is probably the least practical thing i've got stashed away, but reminds me of a time i didn't have to care so much about what the hell i'm doing with myself. they're the only things i kept in good condition, i'm considering giving them to some sort of cause like a charity auction or donating them to toys for tots.

just about everything else is a little more personal. photo albums, clothes i've had since i lived outside, the stereo i got my mother for christmas one year that just happened to be her favourite thing in the world [plus all the music my brother and i got her to go with it].. then there's my very own personal library. let's not forget the books, paperbacks i'd had stashed in various places all collected into a huge stand-up shelving unit.. way more than i thought. i might suck it up and make two cross-country trips just to bring back what i can as far as books go. oh yeah and that big black steel trunk. you know, the oldskool looking ones with the copper strapping, covered in various bumper stickers and things my mother wrote on top to remember. it houses artwork from school days of my brother and i, our baby clothes, my mother's rack of collectible spoons. unless i get a vehicle, that thing won't be going very far.

there's totes of memorobilia. not all of it is mine. i have things that were given to me by friends that i held onto dearly, old manual film cameras, jackets, hats, and of course a whole other seasonal set of camping gear. even the tent is full of memories of living outside in as many corners of the country i could have ever hitched to and through. my sky-blue mini dome palace in the trees. things like that i could sell and just get again later if i need them, in the long run it'd be cheaper than paying to store them for months on end.

then there's a bunch of stuff i collected in the few years i became domesticated, workout equipment, art and craft supplies including paints and canvasses, a million different kinds of beads, probably a hundred pounds in half-used sketchbooks and and pieces that somehow survived since highschool. i'm already trying to find homes for things i know i have in my inventory to make the process of purging easier.

i'm not yet sure what i'll do with a few of the criticals. if i try real hard i can probably cut back so that all of my keepers fit into the trunk. if i can find a place to safely store that away in the meantime, it will help put my mind at ease. until then i've got to remember to relax. worrying about what must happen in the future isn't doing me much good now, all i can do is try to plan for it and stay positive. i wish i could have the strength to just let it all go.. but there's some things like the letters my mother held onto, the journals i so carefully made sure never to lose, and the photos of lives long passed that i'd have a hard time forgiving myself for letting go of.

until then i have to figure out how to maintain here in a new place and hold the little life i'm building together. right now my expenses are pushing me beyond my means, there's no budget beyond food and shelter, no room for quality of life leisure spending, not even to save to go home. i'm living on a prayer that the things i'm gearing up for work out in my favour so that i don't dig myself so far into the red it's impossible to recover. when i get home, i'll see what i can sell, salvage and give away to save myself from another year of hanging onto my past four provinces away.

peace in chaos II

there's something comforting about the unknown. there's no need to feel responsible for anything but yourself and the path beneath your feet. i came here expecting nothing and ready for anything. there was only one thing i knew for sure, and one thing i hoped for more than anything, that my good friend would be waiting for me at the station upon my arrival. late on a friday evening despite the throes of party night, there he was.

i wasn't certain about the situation or exactly where i'd be staying or for how long. like me many of my friends gravitate towards a transient lifestyle, and even when seemingly content could pick up and change course at any moment. that said, the prospect of a place to crash had existed but wasn't expected. and then after all, i was blessed with more than one.

it could be good karma, or good fortune, or the fact that i've been making a point to accept whatever situation i happen upon with an open mind and heart. some things start out shady, and end up cultivating lasting friendships with people you'd least expect, or a home in a place you'd have never found without a nudge in the right direction. being open and also ready, i know when to trust my gut. some decisions are made or called off based on a feeling, only to find later on how lucky i was for my choice.

in fact, that's how i've been making my decisions thus far. feel it out. when i think things i over think them until they no longer make any sense. but when the critical moment arises [and i never know when until it's time], i act, or react accordingly. good things are coming but i don't know what. the adventure is here and now. no matter where i landed i would have found it, but i'm glad i am where i am. blessed.

i'd opened my mind to finding what i seek on the ferry ride back to the mainland. after taking time to relax on the island i started to get a feeling something was waiting for me. i chose a date of departure and started my search right away. not long after, i had found, or rather was found by something that could perpetuate into one of the greatest opportunities for both learning and future independent ventures. and shortly thereafter, sifting through literally hundreds of ads, i found my place in the world. a tiny haven on the side of a hill where i can garden, read and rest. if all goes accordingly, i can make residence there this week.

my destination is in each step. i've learned something about myself. i need to always find the balance, the best of both worlds. i crave an anchor of stability be it a homestead or a hole in the wall, someplace that is mine. yet i require the freedom to adventure, to move along, to start anew. to unlock achievements in a new game, to open maps unstepped. finally, i've begun to pull it together.

today is a new day. a rainy one, but refreshed no less. i wonder what will happen next..

keep calm.

easier said than done. it's been a couple months since i 'retired'. of course i have a hard time sitting still, and a bad habit of constantly worrying about the future. i haven't been bored, that's for sure. there's always lots to do, learn, read.. enough to keep me engaged. after hanging out around my homie's flat for a month or so, i journeyed to the island to enjoy a 'vacation from retirement' with a friend.

she was house-sitting, and dog walking, for which i was invited to join her.. and that was about the extent of our worries. and of course which cheap sushi we would pick for lunch. well, she had homework, and i had that nagging feeling that i should probably be doing something about my lack of income. my intentions weren't to get out here and find a job right away.. i promised myself some time, by collecting my deferred profit money i'd be able to skip out on the nine to five for a few months and feel out whatever it is i want to do with myself.

it took a few days, but finally for a while i had forgotten what day of the week it was, what number, what month.. success. i had managed to keep calm long enough to just let things float to the surface of my mind from deep within. things i needed to talk over with myself [and with my friend] that needed air. things that i've been curious about but didn't know how to approach, what has really been bothering me, and what my priorities are. i had just enough time alone to feel it, and yet the blessing of the presence of another that reminded me of 'home'.

seems strange i suppose to take a vacation from being retired, but even retirement can be overwhelming with things to do and chores and choices to be made. i'm glad i took it, and took a moment to breathe. i'm back on the mainland now, and i feel more mentally organized than when i left. i know what i want to do [mostly], and now that i have a clue, i know what to ask for when searching for employment. time is worth more than money to me, but unfortunately to be a member of society where all the people live, money is required as well. i'm trying to align the best of both worlds.. i have some learning to do too.

back to the grind [sort of] today, i'm being bombarded with responses to flooding workopolis with my resume for some temp work. apparently i was anxious for nothing, it shouldn't be hard to find a job when i'm ready. for now, i'll see what these places have to offer that will benefit me and support my mission for a stress-less, more-healthy, fulfilling sort of life.

...on a boat

my first ferry ride to Vancouver Island. it was pretty sweet... with a combined seven hours of public transit and BC Ferries i made it from the 'big city' all the way to island haven cottage country. and what a journey. of course there was that moment where the captain announces the presence of a killer whale off side the boat, and by the time i'd gotten my camera up [and through the crowd that rushed the rails] i'd caught a glimpse with my eyes but missed with the lens.

it was sort of a strange feeling watching the mainland drift away on the horizon, knowing i would be passing briefly through american waters to get to the rest of Canada. the last time i'd experienced something similar was taking a shuttle bus over the 11km long bridge from New Brunswick to Prince Edward Island.. though the feeling just wasn't the same. i felt so... disconnected. which was a welcome break from being immersed in city life.

i couldn't take my eyes off the scenery as we approached the little islands. coastal cottages, dreamy little places down by the water and lighthouses at every corner. my eyes and mind scrambled up the mountain side as i dreamed of what adventures may come. certainly no regrets taking some 'retirement' time.. every second has been a blessing.

vague projections into time and space...

i was having a bit of a rough go there for a minute. honestly, i've been having a bit of a rough go all year. sometimes it's just unrealistic to stay optimistic all the bloody time. sometimes shit hits the fan, and the only thing you can do about it is sit down and cry, all covered in it. and then, i must pick myself up and move along.

one of those things you learn as a backpacker is to plan ahead, but be prepared for a complete change of plans. it's been a while since i've been out, and i almost forgot about this... not really, i did have backup plans, sort of.. but of course everything i had in my head before i left the province had since fallen through. thankfully someone kept to their word, and has been more help than i could ever ask for. and i made a few new friends who feel like they've been around forever. lesson re-learned, don't rely on others too often. and when they duck out, don't take it personally. life goes on.

so just about the moment i realized that everything i was riding on for future plans had crapped out, new things-to-do started popping out at me 'from the universe'. and the craziest part is, i get to be in vaguely the same places around sort of the same time i was planning for, only to visit different people and accomplish different things than i had set out for originally.

now my main stressor is waiting for the money. it's been 6 weeks since i 'retired' from my job, and since so many others did at roughly the same time, it's a hurry-up-and-wait game getting my hands on my account of deferred profits. i had given myself a month between retiring and skipping the province to allow things to settle in that department. the last time i had called the financial place, the company i was working for hadn't yet sent them the validation that i was no longer employed, and that was a month after i'd left the company.

i was kinda sorta relying on that loot coming in at some point around the beginning of this trek, and i'm running low on funds. hopefully that'll all be worked out shortly so i don't have to dip too far into credit, i'd like to be able to continue to travel and visit and learn for the rest of the year before settling to work again. and when i do that'll only be temporary too. i get anxious after a couple seasons in one place, i have come to accept. i am a transient being...

so anyways, i'll do the island thing for a week or two, however that works out.. then i'd like to be back here in Vancity for thanksgiver and halloween. My next stop will hopefully be Alberta for a good long while, until i get sick of the winter and head back to the coast for winter solstice and the new year. back to Ontario shortly thereafter to chill with fams and friends, and rack up some loot for the next adventure. onward!

one day at a time.

it's easy to get overwhelmed when you leave a life you've grown accustomed to and rejoin the chaos that is the rest of the world.. especially when you get more than you bargained for, most of your plans fall through, and people happen into your life that tend to change the course of things. i'm caught up in that frantic mode of 'hurry up and wait'.

i wanna get stuff done, and i'm still waiting on paper mail from my previous job and an account that i opened so i can get all my legal junk out of the way. i was sort of in a rush to get here and get myself situated before the winter set in. and i was hoping to enjoy some summer sun while it lasts. for leaving as soon as i can, i had left some other things undone. things that i'll have to return and take care of before the spring comes.

almost six weeks i think it's been already since i've worked for money.. i've kept busy with gardening and getting myself ready to be on the move, then being on the move, and the past couple days i've just kind of done... not a hell of a lot. if i sit too long i start to feel useless, and that's a terrible feeling. doing my best to make other plans to fill the time where others fell through and in the meantime living in the moment. just have to relax a minute and let life be.

i've let a few things slide since i've been out, my workout regime went right out the window but i'm slowly attempting to get back on top of it. it's different now though, walking around this city is like climbing a small mountain every day so the muscles i need to work on my own time are changing. i've even lost a pound since my arrival without even trying! ha, slick..

well anyhoo, though my plans all fell through i'm starting to collect new ones. there's a few bands i wanna see while i'm here [there's live shows everywhere, all the time] and even a birthday party i wanna hit up before heading to the island. a friend of mine from back home is coming this way for a couple weeks to puppysit a couple dogs so imma get in on that action! i love hanging with homies from back home in other places, always makes for a unique adventure. from there i'll head back to Vancity for thanksgiver and halloween, and then perhaps pick up some work for the start of the winter.

i didn't come out here with much in the way of apparel, my rucksack was packed with camera gear and a crank juicer. thankfully Vancouver appears to be the king of second-hand stores, which i love. the seasons are starting to change [not summer snowfalls like Calgary], and it's getting cooler. the rains will come in the next few weeks as well. my first excursion to a Salvation Army proved very successful. i found four teeshirts, two pairs or pants, one being a really kickass pair of sturdy lightweight snowboarding pants, and the most comfy green hoodie in the world, all for under forty bucks. all i need now is a rain coat, a couple long sleeves and maybe a pair of long underwear for the chill.

speaking of chill i think i've done enough of that for a couple days, today i'll venture early and find something to get into. it's only seven in the morning here but i'm still a few timezones ahead. onward..

between places.

i'm in an interesting place, my life divided between two distant provinces. i have a love for the coast and the sea and the mountains, and roots back home in niagara that i have yet to explore. just like every other situation and scenario in my life, i am torn.

suppose it's time to do the pros and cons thing. weigh it out, which province is more beneficial for me to make residence. whichever it is i hope not to sit still for a good few years, so i'll have to determine which is a better anchor point to come back to.maybe i'll find a way to hold down both..

the gameplan for the next whatever span of time is to establish a system where i can work and nest and bank money seasonally so that my summer and fall is free to travel and farm and harvest and enjoy. this should be doable in either place as both are university towns and tend to have lots of short-term student housing available. i know i'm pushing thirty but i still get asked for identification when i go places that require being of age, so i think i can ride out the student thing for a good few years.

thing is i have stuff in ontario. stufffff. not worth anything, just sentimental. some furnitures from my mother, that's cram packed with a bunch of other sentimental junk like pictures and mine and dan's first outfits. random junk that through all the moves and living out of the station wagon mom still managed to hang on to. stuffed into this big black trunk. and then a cabinet my dad built, with little shelves for my little beanie toys. i loved those things, eff barbie dolls i wanna be an animal! ha! ...and then a few crates of my own photos, a small library's worth of books, art and old camera gear that i somehow kept all these years. anyhoo..

it's not stuff i have any means of transporting any time soon. i'm not exactly comfortable enough to drive across the country nor do i yet have the proper documentation to do so. something i gotta take care of when i go back. having a license to drive is one thing, i'm not sure i'll ever be comfortable enough to transport myself around in a giant steel and plastic box on wheels. i chose to learn to drive just to have the knowledge of how to operate a motor vehicle if the need were ever to arise. is this a need? hmm. or i can continue to pay for the locker... i just don't know yet.

what i do know is i quite enjoy the climate here. i like that the ground doesn't really freeze in the winter and here on the coast they almost never see snow. i'm not sure how i'll feel about the lack of sun for so long, but then again when working all day i never saw it in ontario in the winter anyway. i don't know, i don't know.

and then the people. like the sweet boy i'm sure i'd never convince to come here for a while. and some friends that i know would really dig it.. ahh that i think is mainly why people go back. i know i'll make a few friends here, but i'll always miss my homies back home. i always do when i leave for any amount of time. and the bit of family i have still exists in the region. *sigh*.

transience is the only answer really. i'm never decided on what i want, i can't make up my mind ever, and i always want the other. plus there's tons of neat stuff to do when you needn't be anywhere in particular, so i may as well figure out how to exist everywhere and nowhere all at once. it is decided. onward...