life after: winter sun

i promised myself i'd write more about my past, i don't see it at all as something to be ashamed of, but something to celebrate in many ways. first off, i survived.. and some would say that some of those years were the best years of my life.

living outside was once my preferred lifestyle. at first i had little choice in the matter, but once i got used to it, it wasn't easy to go back to being housed. i am still reminded in my everyday life what it was like to be on the outside, and i cherish those moments.. for those are the moments that people seek to achieve and have a hard time doing so, living 'in the now'.. being 'present'. it's one of those things that people in this rush and go society barely know, but out there.. every hour of every day is made up of moments. it's hard not to be present when every thing you do and every choice you make has an impact on the reality of your survival.

i still have my cart, the one i used to load up from my storage on laundry day so that i could wash everything i own at once. i also used it a lot when moving from place to place, from one storage room to another.. once of course i learned that it is possible to hang onto more than just what one can carry on one's back. anyway, i still use that cart for my laundry. i don't think i've ever had the luxury of owning a washer and dryer, but the low-impact mentality in me doesn't mind.

it was a pretty winter day, the first real snow had fallen, and the sun was out. it would also be the first day of the season i'd have to drag that cart out through the snow to wash our clothes. i did so with a grin on my face. i was well bundled, looked more like an urban gypsy than a girl going to do some laundry. after putting our clothes in the machine i hung my coat and went to sit out front to get some of that sun on my face while i had the chance.

there weren't any clouds in the way, the air was still and crisp.. when i closed my eyes and settled into the plastic lawn chair i was brought back.. i remember those moments, those breaks in the cold. when the sun was warm enough to peel back some of the layers and embrace it's rays. as if the goddess herself had sent a personal message to remind me that the cold never lasts forever.

my alarm startled me a little. i must have drifted off into the sun, into the stillness. i felt truly at rest. i remember now, the best time to get some sleep [out there] was times just like this. i would spend the coldest nights wandering to stay warm, and make up for the missed sleep when the sun would come around to watch over me.

i tucked my folded clothes back into the cart and started back towards home just as the sun was setting in my eyes. i didn't mind the glare. i knew the cold was coming back for the evening. with each step towards the house i recited my gratitudes, for the clean clothes i carry behind me, for the warm bed i have to go home to, for the food in my fridge, and the fridge for my food.. for the shelter and the company. i am blessed.

buy nothing black friday.

i'm so glad i don't have to work today. i had originally booked it off for an appointment, it was cancelled.. i have a friday completely off and all to myself. black friday to be specific.. just in case you don't know what that is, it's an american super sale day that takes place the day after their thanksgiving. the irony being 'on thursday everyone gives thanks for all that they have, and on friday they trample one another to get a cheap television'.

well, said sale day has crept up over the border into canada the last few years. and i say nuts to that.. i think i found a new tradition. book black friday off so that i can go through all of the things i have, and share with those who have not. that and find things i maybe forgot i even had so that i really don't have to go buy anything.

so far i've found a couple of old jackets i can bring to community care, a bunch of markers and pens and various stationery items, a bunch of stuff i no longer needed to recycle or burn, and i freed up two large totes worth of space in my walk-in closet/shed/workout room. i also found something i really needed and forgot i even had, two pairs of super warm rayon leggings tucked away with random other camping gear. total score! i was just telling matty how i wished i had some warm leggings, and voila! my tush is cozy warm.


to keep with today's theme of doing inventory of all that we have, we will create a dinner feast from leftovers in the fridge and freezer, and have a movie night at home. and home is a wonderful place to be on a day like today, as a fresh blanket of snow has fallen. it's our first winter in the new place, and there's been talk of building a snowman or possibly a fort! ahhhh TGIF.

like one of those...

working in a customer service environment, i tend to meet a lot of interesting people. some of them love to tell their story. so today i'm doing my inventory thing in the razor aisle, and this woman comes up to me to ask me where to find something [naturally]. after i tell her where to go, she picks up a shaver and starts to tell me a story about her young son.

she explains how she's trying to get him to take better care of his personal hygiene, and so chooses to purchase him the most trendy smells and gels and products to use. but the one thing he doesn't like to do is shave his face. she tells me that she insisted he scrapes that scraggly little beard off of his face, and leans in to say to me jokingly, "wouldn't want him looking like one of those homeless bums on the street". heh.

nope, wouldn't want that i said.

i wasn't sure how to feel at first, but i'm guessing my tone suggested i may have been a little annoyed by her comment. the first response that came to my mind was 'yea, cause i know when i was homeless, i preferred the bums that shaved over the ones that didn't'.. but i held my tongue. i don't know, maybe i wasn't offended. i think i was just shocked a little. it's almost as if to say something like "i tell my son to wear extra sunscreen because i wouldn't want him looking like one of those black guys."

i mean, i know she didn't mean any harm by it, and i didn't even take personal offense to it, it just seems like one of those things you just don't say. maybe it's not even the words she said that stunned me, but the way she said them. the look on her face.. for a split second her lip curled and her nose scrunched and her eyes squinted and she actually looked disgusted at the idea of a homeless bum on the street.

yeah, that's it. that's what it is that bothers me. the idea that this person may have been disgusted at the thought of a homeless person. maybe that's because my thoughts towards a homeless person are totally opposite of what i assume hers are. she's simply ignorant to the whole situation, and i'm not. it's one of those moments where you wish you had all day to open someones mind on something that you're very passionate about, but you just can't because, well.. that just won't fly on the clock.

...

winter is when i remember best to express my gratitudes.. i'm reminded every time i shudder in the cold, feel the winter wind whip my face or get soaked in freezing rain how amazing it is that i have a house to go home to. i feel so grateful thinking about that bed and all those blankets and clean clothes to change into after a hot shower.. and fresh food waiting to be prepared. i love our little home. being housed wasn't always my preferred lifestyle, i've changed. i still enjoy some quality time on the outside whenever i can get it, but i'm glad i have what i have. and i share whenever i get the chance.

for the love of winter

i have to admit it, i do love winter. even though my body aches, and the chill is sometimes hard to escape, i think i'd really miss winter if i didn't have it. all of the seasons have their own magic, and though winter is likely the most complained about season we experience in these parts, i think it's battling autumn for my top spot on the fave list.

just recently i realized that [my friends and] i tend to spend more time on outings and adventures in the colder months than we do all of spring summer and fall. there's too much keeping us busy in the warm, like traveling, working outside in the yard or the garden, and avoiding the midday heat. in winter we tend to make better effort to avoid cabin fever and going stir crazy, so we see more of each other, and find more creative things to do.

the most exciting time of year for me has always been the arrival of sweater weather. i love putting on a favourite cozy hoody and going for a walk. i love the smell of all the wood burning stoves in the neighbourhood, sending their delicious scent up into the cool crisp november air. any excuse for a nice hot drink of tea or warm spiced apple cider.. and being inspired to bake something delicious, a reason to make use of the oven as an extra heat source.

it brings us together, under a warm fuzzy blanket.. gathers friends around a fire, freezes the pond so we can skate. the first real snow fall brings a guaranteed smile. the first storm of the season plays on our vulnerability in the great white north.. we hold our loved ones just a little tighter, help strangers get unstuck from snowdrifts, reach out to our community when the lights go out.

as it turns out, despite the cold, i've spent more time on the trails in winter months than in the heat. i've always loved the extra element winter weather brings to the challenge of surviving a night outside. i love how crisp and clear everything appears through the camera lens when it's twenty below zero and the air is still. i love to enjoy every crystallized drop of water that lands on my sleeve, never seeing the same shape twice.
now if only it would snow...

winter, i had you all wrong.. i'm ready, bring it on.

Ridgerest Classic

well it's been a long time since i've written about a product i enjoy, and i promised my readers on the homeless how-to many moons ago that i'd write more about my favourite gear... so here it is.

i've been through a few packs, many pairs of footwear, tried a couple different shelters and stoves, but the one original piece of gear that i still have and use since the beginning of my backpacking years is my Therm-a-Rest Ridgerest sleep mat. i made the purchase in early 2008, and took it for a test drive on a somewhat mild night in mid-winter. the main purpose of such a product is to keep your body warmth from being stolen by the cold ground, and it does this superbly.

when i bought the mat, it came in three different sizes. i believe i bought the medium one [3/4 length] as the small was a little too short, and the large was more mat than i needed. at first the roll was rather bulky, but after a few weeks of nightly use, i was able to roll it more tightly to fit better on my pack. i'm glad i didn't get the full-sized one as this length is plenty enough when i would usually have a sweater folded under my head as a pillow anyways, i found i didn't need to have the mat under my whole body.

i chose this mat for it's durability, and the fact that it is super light weight. i was hesitant to pick up a self inflating mat, or anything that wasn't closed cell foam, for the fact that i didn't want to have to deal with repairing or replacing the thing i'd be sleeping on for months on end, especially not knowing how far from civilization i'd end up. also, it's super easy to clean because it has no outer material to worry about, all you need is a damp rag and a few minutes of drying time and it's good to go.

now, many years later, my original Ridgerest still serves me well. though it looks rather smushed and rolls down to about half of the space it once took up, it's main functions are still covered. it insulates my body from the cold ground, and provides a bit of comfort beneath my sleeping bag. it has been used on the trail, in the yard, surfing various living room floors, sheds and other structures, even on the beach. i refuse to replace it until it's completely worn out, and i can't see that happening any time in the near future.

a warm wind

i wonder if it's the weather, why i've been so sore..
it's been cold and damp a couple weeks and suddenly when it seemed winter was ready
the warm.

some of the herbs in the garden made a comeback
new leaves, regrowth..
one last reach for the warmth of the sun before the snow comes.

a chance to stretch my legs
to breathe the sun warming the cedars in the distance
last break from the hibernation mindset.


the clouds on the horizon couldn't interrupt.

soft

i was pacing back and forth out front of the laundromat today, the wind had picked up and the billowing dark clouds carried in sure signs of winter's approach. i could feel myself shiver and clench my teeth a little.. damn, i've gotten soft i thought. it's been a good few years since i was 'homeless' or spent any good amount of time outside on purpose. i felt weak in that moment thinking, i'm not sure i'd be able to handle it again.

but then again.. back in those days the thought of being a domesticated creature racked me. i could have never seen myself pursuing a 'career' of any sort, or having the desire to settle, be contained by four walls, own anything or marry.. my how i've changed.

or have i?

every once in a while i'm overtaken by anxiety.. i think to myself, what in the hell have i gotten myself into? i rent a place, i work full time, i have this stuff and did those things that i now have to pay for.. i'm locked in. stuck.. imprisoned by the very lifestyle i swore against long ago..

or am i?

nah. i'm not stuck. if i really wanted out bad enough, i'd have left already. it's not all that bad. in this moment i am content sitting at my laptop with some candles going and a bowl of pomegranate seeds to snack on. i have bills to pay and a job to wake up early for tomorrow and a hubby that lights up my world with joy.

the experiences in my past have definitely changed the way i live out my life as a housed person, maybe for the better. i'm not the biggest 'minimalist' i've ever met, but i habitually live with fewer things than most people in my general societal filing. can't afford much more than what i've got so i suppose it's a good thing that i'm happy to have a litte as opposed to a lot.

but back to the softness..

sometimes my mind wanders back and wonders what would happen if i found myself suddenly in that situation again, if i would have the energy and resourcefulness i'd need to be a happy streetkid. firstly, i'm not a kid anymore, and a lot of my old resources no longer exist. especially my favourite hiding spots.. city improvements and rural development have killed them off almost completely. i'd have to go back to wandering with my rucksack, and hit the highway for another place to be.

but that's no longer me. maybe a little part that shines through every once in a while, i keep it fed with weekend excursions and vacations as often as i can to a faraway land. maybe it's not that i've gotten soft but other parts of me are hardened.. the callouses that once covered my feet from beating pavement have migrated to my hands from turning earth. i'd rather build a home than find one, and plant my food than dive a dumpster for it or get in line.

today, that is.