a new appreciation..

well maybe not so new, i've always appreciated having a reliable job and everything.. but i finally have a steady shift, something i can make a routine around. a routine is something i need to succeed in a domesticated lifestyle. even when i'm on the road i have rituals that i follow to keep me safe and sane.. i guess it's just how i deal with things.

being on the night shift for so long reminded me why i got off the shift in the first place.. it kills me in so many ways it shouldn't be legal. but i know there are people cut out for it, i used to think i was one of them. as it turns out, it's not where i wanna be. i had my first day shift yesterday in almost a month, and i was so happy that i was walking to work in the morning time i could barely contain the smile. i left extra early to enjoy the morning mist, and decided that no matter what happens nothing can phase me, i'm so happy to be back to what i've been missing. even if everything went wrong at work i would accept it with a smile on my face. at least i'm here..

i suppose you could say, it's a good thing i feel that way. it's not that everything went wrong...

and i'm okay! no panic.. the fact that i know i'm only back for a week before i fly out to a tropical island might have a little bit to do with it, but in all seriousness.. i really do have a new appreciation for my 'regular life'. it's what i want for now, so i can focus on other things. it might be crazy while i'm there but worth having some stability in my schedule.. and a healthy challenge. it's a good thing.

just today..

a strange sense of panic washed over me

when i realized,

the closest place to find firewood

is at the store.

i sea and so

i am..
finally free to drop everything.. my camera, my sweater, my shoes, my ego..
and sit seaside with the sun on my face
breathe in..
the fresh ocean air fills me up
and surrounds me
as i exhale i feel myself expand into the space around me
and up over rocks and down the cliff to the water
i am no longer separated from the sea, the sky, the ground beneath me..
from you.

i am finally free of all the worries of the city life,
rushing to get to work on time, come home and pay the rent
the lord of this land wants no money
only presence.
my eyes open when a sudden wave crashes a little closer than expected
baptized by the sea
and i do feel cleansed..
it's all too beautiful to describe with words or capture in photographs
but still i try.

love to the Maritimes..

midnight train..

i seemed to have hopped on again for the long haul. one week quickly turned into four, and i have no idea where the time has gone. or where it is in general.. i tried to take a nap this afternoon and while i was sitting there i had a random thought 'i wonder what time it is' feeling as though it's about 3am. but no, of course it can't be, it's 2pm and i've lost all sense of the time and day.

the scary thing is, it's my last week i'm going into tomorrow, and i'm starting to get 'used to it' again aka my body is starting to adjust to this backwards eating pattern expecting lunch at 3 in the morning, and i've just accepted that i feel like a piece of crap every day because my circadian rhythm has been all but blown to bits. i'll just have to take it as a learning experience so i don't feel so much like it was a horrible mistake.

and what did i learn? well, i suppose a better appreciation for my regular job, which i used to think was tedious.. well what i'm doing overnights is ten times the tedium on less than half the sleep. when i go back to my regularly scheduled program i'll be much happier knowing it's not so bad as i thought, and even though it seems 'boring' there's lots of room to learn and expand.

another thing i learned is that i do have limits and that i have pushed them. this was okay for me a few years ago as a temporary solution in my work situation, but i just can't handle it anymore. that's why i begged to get off nights, even transferred to get out of the shift.. it started to affect my health and my life in ways i'm not willing to just accept. my house, my garden and my social life are all suffering from neglect.. same with my creativity, my diet..

i was heartbroken a couple mornings ago when i realized that half of my garden had died already. was there a frost? it's been warm for a while it would have had to been nearly a week ago. did i miss it? how did i not notice since? and the sink and counter was overflowing with dishes. 90% tupperware from us bringing lunches to work, i barely eat besides once a day on this shift because i'm too exhausted to cook or prepare a meal during the day. anyhoo back to the garden, when i took it down today and saw how much had been wasted, i was heartbroken. how could i let this happen?

i'm not trying to get down on myself or anything, i just want to remember this feeling.. which is why i started blogging in the first place. i can't remember anything. how can i appreciate life's lessons if i can't remember them? biggest lesson yet; time management. i can't believe i thought i had so little time before, i have so much less now.. and with that realization comes the motivation to make better use of the time i now know i have.

that being said, autumn is upon us, garden season is coming to a close, and it's time to move on to other projects. many of them indoor ones.. something to keep the mind occupied and growing during cabin fever months. i have already got a jump start on a couple of courses i'm interested in, and a decorating project in our kitchen. we have also been dreaming up ideas for next year's garden design, which will be much better next year based on what we learned this time around.

for now i'm going to enjoy the one night i have off and be satisfied that i finally got around to taking care of much needed gardening, got the house in a much cleaner state than it's been in all week, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's only three nights away.

sol-rise

the first leg of my journey home involves walking over a great big bridge. you can see the whole sky from up there.. the sunrise is amazing. the absolute best thing about working the night shift is enjoying the mornings. i'm most def a morning person, if any time of day was mine that'd be it. it's different when the morning comes at the end of the day, the sunrise greets me on my slow mosey home and sparkles on the dew drops collected on the grass from the cool autumn night.

after coming down off the bridge i walk through an older neighbourhood where there are many old houses that still use wood burning stoves for heating.. i love that smell. i take deep breaths and slow steps. as i turn the corner at the end of the road the sun warms my back, i see the steam rising off the roof tops and the squirrells scramble up and down the trees.

i'm almost there.. i slow down even further as i approach the house. the sun streaks through the trees and kisses the garden hello. i sit for a moment on the bench out in the yard and just breathe. i have arrived, i am home.

by the lake

i'm acting all like that vacation didn't happen.. no, not really, it's had it's way with me and i do feel better. but i haven't really written about it or finished going through the photos yet and i'm already preparing for another journey. [oh wait, i did write about it, i guess i need to write more.] time to slow it down again..

the weather was rather rainy most of the week, but it didn't matter much.. we were out there. i've always said going to the east coast is like going back in time. it's almost like time takes a hike altogether for a while and the moment takes over your senses.. there's nothing more to do than relax and enjoy it.

this year's souvenirs were moments, songs and feelings.. things we could put to better use when we returned home. we both picked up some new tunes to listen to, always key to keeping the east coast vibes alive. we are reminded to take care, take our time with what we are doing. preparing our food, cleaning the house, or tapping into our creativity.. to make ordinary tasks into rituals, and embrace the present moment. this means a lot to me.

22 days of nights...

...and i'm barely a week in. it's been a year and a half since i worked the midnight shift, i've been straight days ever since. flipping my schedule upside down has done some nasty things to the routine i've been working on, and my house is a mess. i have no idea when is a good time to eat without digestion issues, it's incredibly hard to sleep in the daytime no matter what measures i take to do so, and i'm just incredibly exhausted. it took me months to get used to the upside down schedule, and less than a couple years before i couldn't do it anymore.

i really had little choice in the matter this time. inventory is coming up fast, and we are nowhere near ready to be judged. what i have to do to prepare involves making an incredibly huge mess to clean and condense, something i just can't do on day shift with a bunch of people around. it wouldn't be safe, and what i can get done in a night would take me a week. thus, it is necessary. at least it's brief.

hopefully next week will be better. i work tonight, then i have the weekend off. that's one plus at least, i have no competition for my schedule, so i get the weekends off through the whole ordeal. i see a little more of matt since we're both on the same shift, we have gotten into a routine of watching a movie around noon to prepare for bed. that's about the only part of a routine i can nail down for now. i have to force myself to stay awake until the afternoon because i need to wake as close to work time as possible to save my energy.. but i'm so crushed the morning after my shift it's hard to accomplish anything else.

it's not all bad, i must admit that i do enjoy my walk home in the morning. the sun warms my back, and i can step slowly, no longer in a hurry. night shift is always more relaxed too even though there's so much more to do. not being business hours we can act as strange as we like, and holler across the store if we need each other instead of paging and calling. that and we can all break together. in fact, we must as the doors and alarms are only unlocked for the duration of our breaks. it's a tight team, that i also enjoy.

i'll be back on days for a week before i take off for my third and final journey of the year, i'll be flying out to the dominican to photograph a wedding for some friends. it seems so far away right now, but it too is coming up fast. it'll be a trip indeed, i've never been to an island. a dream to look forward to after the inventory nightmare is over. ahh well, such is life...